[The obligatory image is from a junk ad for lawn care: the reason it looks glitchy around the top left quarter is that I used photo-editing tools very hastily and sloppily to remove the text of the ad.]
(Cont.)
Now the serpent was more subtle than any other being that Yahweh had made. And he said unto Woman: “But wait, did the god really say, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”
And the woman said unto the serpent: “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden. It is only the fruit of the tree in the midst of the garden that he told us not to eat, saying: ‘Do not even touch it, or you will die’.”
And the serpent said unto Woman, “You shall not surely die: for the god knows that in the day you eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and you shall no longer be ignorant gods, but you shall have become like him: knowing good and evil.”
And when Woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and ate, and she shared with Man.”
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they realized that they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.
Then they heard the voice of Yahweh God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of Yahweh God amongst the trees of the garden. And Yahweh God called unto Man, and said unto him: “Where are you?”
And Man said: “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; so I hid my self.”
Then Yahweh said: “Who told you that you were naked? Or have you eaten of the tree, whereof I instructed you that you should not eat?”
And Man said: “This woman, whom you gave to be with me, she shared some fruit with me, and we ate together.”
And Yahweh God said unto Woman: “What have you done?”
And Woman said: “The serpent beguiled me, and I freely ate.”
Then Yahweh God turned from the humans, so that they could not see his face, for he was on the verge of laughing.
§
As was relayed, Man originally named his wife Manna, yet Yahweh said that her name should be Woman. Then, just when Man grew accustomed to calling her Woman, Yahweh insisted that she be called Eve: “For she resembles the garden when it is cool at the end of the day.”
Yahweh God then fashioned coats of skins for the couple to wear.
And the god Yahweh went to the pantheon of gods and sought out his friends, the god Jesus and the goddess Asherah, and he said unto them: “Behold, the gods that I made have become like us; now they know good and evil: and now, lest they put forth their hands, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever, I need to usher them out of their paradise. Therefore, I shall use your cherubims for this event; and each of your selves shall also play a small role in the pageant that I have devised.”
And the god Jesus answered the god Yahweh, and said: “But I am wholly in favor of our refractions being allowed access to everlasting life . . .”
Here Yahweh said: “This is my experiment. May I conduct it my own way?”
And Jesus repented of his objection.
Then, Yahweh God sent his copies forth from the garden of Eden, to go and be mortal gods of their own. And he placed at the east entrance of the garden of Eden cherubims, to bar the way to the tree of life; and his divine compeers stood between them, within the aperture of Yahweh’s fiery vortex, swinging their glittering swords repeatedly, until the humans were out of sight.
§
Now Eve gave birth to a child, whom she named Cain. And she said to Man: “I confess that I have gotten a man from Yahweh.”
Then, later, she gave birth to another child: Abel. And this Abel was a keeper of livestock, whereas Cain was a vegetable farmer.
One day, Cain brought a gift of fruit from his garden and offered it unto Yahweh. And Abel brought meat from the firstlings of his flock, and the fat thereof, and he broiled steaks on the grill for Yahweh. And it was obvious, by his reaction while he ate, that Yahweh favored Abel’s meal: for he was a meat lover and decidedly not a vegetarian.
This pleased Abel while infuriating Cain.
So Yahweh said unto Cain: “Why are you so wrathful now? Why has your face become dark and sullen? Your father, Man, has never been ill-tempered like this – whose child are you? I’m only teasing. Look, not everyone shares the same taste – isn’t that OK? Or does that break the terms of your covenant with reality? Lighten up. One of the ladies from the neighboring deities’ human civilizations will surely desire a vegan husband: women are sensitive; and the other gods raise their people differently. Don’t bother about it. Let me teach you how to make wine . . .”
§
Then, when Cain left Yahweh, he went out to a place in the field where there was a great stone, and the ground was sand. There, he dug a large hole. Later that day, Cain confronted Abel in the field, and he led him over to the spot, and began to accuse him of immoral conduct. Then his speech grew heated.
And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no god, he smote Abel, and hid him in the sand. Then he rolled the stone to block his escape.
Now, three days later, Yahweh came walking though the field, in the cool of the day, and he called out to Cain, saying: “It’s time to grill. Where is Abel?” And Cain said: “How should I know: am I an Abel-herder?”
Then Yahweh’s countenance fell, and he said: “You haven’t harmed him, have you?” And now he noticed the stone, and the conspicuous heap of sand, standing nearby. And he listened intently; then said: “I hear my friend’s spirit crying out from under the ground!”
Yahweh therefore approached the place in the sand which Cain had made hollow. And he said to Cain: “Roll away the stone.”
And when this was done, Yahweh cried out: “Abel, come forth.”
And he that was buried came forth. And he was parched and starving, for he had been without food or drink for these three days. Therefore wine was fetched, and steaks were made ready; and, while they feasted, the sons of Eve both explained to Yahweh the events that led to Abel’s burial.
Cain repented of what he had done, and Abel forgave him; but it was agreed that, to avoid similar troubles in the future, Cain should remove himself far away, and till the ground in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. Thus they parted ways amicably.
§
Now Cain married one of the women from Nod, and they had a son: Enoch, the namesake of the famous city that Cain founded. This is also the same Enoch who eventually was to become the entity Metatron, about whom it was exclaimed: “There are two Yahwehs in Heaven!” For he was a spitting image of his great ancestor. Enoch also, as we shall see, will be the first among humankind to be taken away in a fiery chariot. For he was favored by the Fulness.
Through Enoch’s line came three distinct types of people: (1) all tent-dwelling cattle-herders, (2) all who handle the harp and organ, and (3) every artificer in brass and iron. Just so you know.
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