(Cont.)
Then Gideon, who is Jerubbaal, rose up early and went to mingle with the Midianites; and the goat-eyed wild man met him on the way.
“Did you get my messages?” said the Volcano. And when Jerubbaal looked puzzled by the question, he added: “I sent you fire from heaven, twice, recently.”
Jerubbaal’s eyes widened, and he said: “Ah, I’m sorry – that’s right, it’s you! I don’t know why I find it so hard to make that connection.”
“It’s OK,” said the wild man; “forget it. The reason I’m here is to remind you that we have a mission to accomplish. The bandits, remember? We got sidetracked dealing with the Gideon Bible Display Grills. But I deigned to send those signs to bolster your faith, because the time to act is now. Don’t turn Hamlet on me. The fight won’t be difficult; but it can never end unless we, at some point, begin it. If we let the gang freely raid and kidnap, the problem will only continue to worsen: it’s best to nip it in the bud.”
Jerubbaal nodded: “I agree, I agree.”
Yahweh then glanced over at the Midianites that Gideon had been heading toward, and he said: “Your army here is too big, however. I would rather go at them with a sleekly compact task force: it’s more elegant, that way; and our win will be more impressive. Also, I don’t want anyone to deduce that our strength was in numbers: my signature is the miraculous and unprecedented.”
Jerubbaal answered: “Oh, those people are not my shock-troops; I was just coming to meet them, to mingle. I don’t really have an army.”
To this, the wild man said: “Ah, perfect; then we will make a proclamation, asking for volunteer bandit-slayers.”
Thus they noised abroad an official announcement, and nailed posters up all around the city. And twenty and two thousand citizens showed up to serve as Yahweh’s Samurais.
“It is far too many,” said the wild man. “Dismiss all but the cowardly.”
This way, they got the number down to just ten thousand.
“Still too many,” said the Volcano. “Let’s have a contest. Bring the masses down to the water, and tell them to drink. Anyone who laps with their tongue like a dog shall remain. Whoever dunks his whole head under shall remain. But anyone who brings his own stemware and fills it with wine from the altars we made, let that soul be removed from the number of the shock-troops, and invite him to come instead with us and drink and read the scriptures.”
Then the contest began, and there were three hundred soldiers who went face-first into the sea and almost drowned. So these the wild man chose to be his army. All the rest were disqualified.
And the Volcano said to Jerubbaal, motioning to the chosen three hundred: “By these sopping lugs, we shall deliver the town from the bandits.” And Gideon could tell that his comrade was enjoying this mission, from the glint in his goat eyes.
§
Then it came to pass, that very same night, the gang of bandits was seen gathering on the horizon. So the Volcano said to Jerubbaal: “Arise! go up there and execute the plan that I told you about. For I guarantee that it will work.” And when Jerubbaal leapt to his feet and tried to sprint forth, the Volcano grabbed him by the epaulet, and held him back, and said: “But if you think it might be unwise to go rushing into action without first sizing up your opponent, and you would prefer to spy out their camp first, then you can go fetch the android that I brought along from the caravan to serve as your sidekick, and the two of you can sneak up there and surveil the bandits, and eavesdrop on their conversations; so that afterward your army shall be strengthened from all the intel that you will have obtained.”
Then the robo-butler named Man, who was King Bryan’s artificial grandchild, emerged from the dark smoke that was billowing from the Volcano’s vortex. And Jerubbaal ran to fetch him; and the pair went up together to spy out the enemy gang.
Now the bandits were assembled in phalanxes all along the horizon, and up and down the mountain called Armageddon, and they were like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number.
And Jerubbaal and Man the robo-butler snuck forth and hid themselves behind a tree, and they listened to what the bandits were discussing. And, lo, one bandit was telling the rest of the gang about a dream that he had had the previous night, and he said:
“Behold, I dreamed this dream: a cake of barley bread was flying through the air, and it came straight at us, and it smote us all right in the face.”
And one of his fellow bandits answered and said: “Ah, Sigismund, the meaning of your dream is obvious. It could only be that we shall face defeat by the sword of Jerubbaal, one of the elohims, a fighter on the side of the Volcano. He is the son of Deer City’s archon Diana, and good friends with all the Midianite Magi.”
Then the first bandit, who dreamt the dream, replied to this interpreter: “But what does barley have to do with swordsmanship?”
And the second bandit said: “The loaf of bread signifies the agricultural interests of the wayfarers.”
And it was so, when Jerubbaal and Man the robo-butler heard this exchange, they comprehended the dream’s symbolism, and they fell on their mats and said prayers of praise; then they returned to the caravan and told the army of shock-troops the fortunate news.
Now Jerubbaal said to the three hundred men: “Dear fellow fighters, I thank you for being willing to rush into battle against this gang of bandits that has gathered here, but the truth is that our side is at such an advantage, I don’t even need all of you anymore.” And he selected out seven of the slightest soldiers, and dismissed the remainder; just to prove that he could gain victory even with all odds against him. For he knew that the volcano of potential was on his side.
And he commanded the group to sit down on the grass before him, and he took five loaves of barley, and passed them around; and somehow, when all was finished, there ended up being not five but seven loaves, which he placed in the right hand of every soldier. Then he put, in every soldier’s left hand, an angel-trump (of the kind they use for war and the rapture, and the resurrection to the Final Judgment, and all the plagues of the Book of Revelation*). And Jerubbaal said unto them: “Here is what I want you all to do. When you come to the gang of bandits, stand in a row before them, all seven of you. And they will see you and think: ‘What is this?’ Then, when I shout the command for you to blow, all of you shall blow into your angel-trumps, while holding high the barley that I gave you, and shout aloud, saying, ‘The glittering sword of the LORD! Hail BAAL and Jerubbaal!’ And because your other hand will be occupied holding the piece of cake, you will be unable to adjust the tuning slide on your instrument: this will annoy the enemy. Then we will win.”
So Jerubbaal and the seven servicemen that were with him crept up to the top of the horizon, and came unto the outside of camp of the bandits. And it was ten o’clock in the evening, so fresh guards had just taken their places at all the watchtowers; and they spotted the intruding wayfarers immediately. Then Jerubbaal shouted the command to blow, and the soldiers blew their trumps while holding up their barley loaves, and one of the men accidentally dropped his loaf on the ground, because he was uncoordinated.
So they stood there blowing and displaying their cakes, and then they yelled: “The sword of the LORD, hail BAAL and Jerubbaal!”
And the bandits saw the barley bread held high, and they heard the taunt, and they eyed the glittering sword of Jerubbaal Gideon, and they remembered the dream of their comrade. They also noticed that one of the soldier’s hands was bare of its loaf, and they assumed therefore that he had already launched it: This terrified them, and the whole gang of bandits ran, and cried, and fled.
Now Jerubbaal pursued after the bandits, and the gang fled all the way to the farthest end of the woods. And they stopped there and trembled. Then Jerubbaal approached the gang, holding his glittering sword, and he walked forth and grabbed two of the bandit bosses who were cowering, and he turned them around and pulled off their hoods, and, lo, it was Oreb and Zeeb: two familiar faces (though this is the first time their names have appeared in the present scripture, Jerubbaal knew them well) – for they were both previously members of the caravan. And they begged Jerubbaal to spare their lives; and Jerubbaal questioned them, and it turned out that all these bandits were former yogis and gurus who had left the Volcano’s wayfarers to try a career in crime.
Then, while Jerubbaal was getting the full story of their desertion, the masses of shock-troops from the caravansary came running up, and when they saw the bandits unmasked, and recognized them as the yogis and gurus from their own multitudes, they gasped as one and said: “What is this?” So everyone got to hear the bandits explain, from their point of view, their abandonment of the Volcano.
And when the yogis and gurus had ended their excuse, the shock-troops of the caravan chided them sharply. But Jerubbaal soothed his people and convinced them to show forgiveness, since the bandits were acting contrite.
Then Oreb and Zeeb said unto Jerubbaal: “Please give us some of the loaves of barley that your samurais held high, for the sight of it left us anhungered.” And Jerubbaal took the bread, and looking up to heaven, he blessed it, and broke it, and divvied it among the yogis and gurus, and among his shock-troops as well; and there was enough to feed the whole multitude, with much left over.
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