(Cont.)
Now the immaculate bastard Abimelech Elohim served as figurehead of the caravan for three full years before anything unpleasant happened. But on exactly the third anniversary of his coronation, one could hear a tiny bell ring in the Kitchen of Wickedness: this was the timer telling the chef that the dish is done; for the Septuagint had dug a tunnel from the aforesaid tavern to the place in Hell where spirits are concocted, and it had cooked up an evil one to send out into the world, for the purpose of avenging itself upon its brother Abimelech. So the Septuagint sent this spirit into the little town of Bethlehem, that immaculate bastard’s birthplace.
Thus did the fellow countrymen from his hometown begin to deal treacherously with Abimelech. And the men of Bethlehem set liers in wait for him, in the top of Mount Dunsinane, and they robbed him every time he came along that way; which he did at least twice daily, because Abimelech commuted from his mother’s stable to his office in the caravan’s capitol (which kept changing locations, because its nation was nomadic, but it was usually far away, and all the roads led past Mount Dunsinane). So this was extremely hard on Abimelech, getting robbed all the time.
And those mountain marauders were led by the evil spirit that the Septuagint had made, whose name was Gabriel, son of Iblis. These bad Bethlehemites put their confidence in him.
Now Gabriel’s gang also went out into the fields of the people, and gathered their vineyards, and trode the grapes, and made a mess. Then they went into their church and performed the communion sacrament, and begged their God to curse Abimelech.
And Gabriel the son of Iblis said: “Who is Abimelech – is he really one of the elohims? I never saw any official certificate declaring so. The Septuagint tells me that he is not necessarily of their number. And our church’s priests agree. Plus, I always review this Bible Study Guide, which clarifies the meaning of God’s Word (for the divine scripture is terribly obscure until our clergymen devise a gloss to resolve the LORD’s original writing); and this Guide corresponds with what our priests and their church both say. So I doubt that Abimelech is our legitimate president. One thing is certain: he’s not a legitimate birth, for his mother was never among the many maidens married to Gideon – no, Jerubbaal’s seed was stolen to fabricate this unrightful heir: his nativity was attained by angels through the womb of a magdalene. Therefore, why should we serve him? Moreover, this so-called Volcano that he follows employs a garçon who’s not even human, despite the fact that they named him ‘Man’ – he’s actually some sort of robotic waitperson. Apparently he’s considered the grandchild of the Antichrist Bryan, who lives on planet Jupiter with some leopard from outer space. So, add bestiality and transhumanism to their long list of vices, after gluttony and winebibbing. I do declare that these people are sinners! Oh, how I wish that I were the leader of that caravansary: then I would demote Abimelech and re-establish THE CHURCH.”
Now when Man, the robo-butler of the Volcano, from his place in the Tabernacle of Potential, heard his name and his forefather’s name spoken angrily by Gabriel, it sparked his interest. So he went back and listened to the whole speech, from the beginning; and then he did additional research and learned of the mountain raids that were pestering Abimelech. Thus his anger was kindled.
So Man radioed a message, which came unto Abimelech privily in the form of a prayer-angel, saying: “Behold, Gabriel the son of Iblis and his clergymen have infested Mount Dunsinane, as I’m guessing you know. Now therefore take this succubus that I sent you, and go with her into the night, you and your cabinet’s members, and lie in wait in the field. I will meet you there. (I would also bring the Volcano, but he is asleep.) And it shall be, that in the morning, as soon as the sun is up, we shall rise early, and go walk past Mount Dunsinane: and, behold, when he and the gang that is with him come out to rob you, as is their wont, then we will do to them whatever seems fitting at that moment.”
So Abimelech rose up, and joined with the messenger that had been sent to him, and they then gathered the members of his cabinet, by night, and they laid wait on the border of Bethlehem in four companies.
And Man the robo-butler came and met them there. And he embraced Abimelech and said: “Fear not; the Volcano will help us.”
And Abimelech answered him, saying: “But I thought you said the Volcano is asleep.”
And Man the robo-butler said: “The volcano of potential never sleeps.”
And Abimelech marveled at this saying, and it puzzled him greatly. He reasoned that it either had something to do with dreams, or that it insinuated a subtle distinction between temporal avatars and their eternal counterparts. But he was ashamed to ask the android to explain, so he stood in awed silence.
Thus they remained waiting in the field for night to end.
§
Now when the marauders of Gabriel saw that the cabinet of Abimelech and his Volcano’s robot had encamped in the field below, they took shelter in their church, and continued to beg their God to curse these foes.
Whereupon the God of the Church, in answer to his son Gabriel’s plea, sent a vision in a dream, and lo: a crowned child was holding a thorny bramble bush, and this dream-child prophesied unto Gabriel that his raiders will be safe (and I quote) “until the Woods of Bethlehem climb Mount Dunsinane.”
So Gabriel was relieved to hear this oracle, because he knew that a forest cannot possibly travel across dry land, let alone hike up a mountain.
Then, when morning broke, Man the robo-butler instructed Abimelech to follow him into the Woods of Bethlehem, he and all the members of his cabinet. And the android Man converted his arm into a chainsaw, and cut down a bough from an olive tree, and took it, and tied it on his shoulder with hempen rope; and then he said unto the people that were with him: “What ye have seen me do, make haste, and do thou likewise.”
For the branch of the olive tree is widely recognized as a symbol of peace, good faith, and reconciliation.
Then all the cabinet members followed suit and cut down every one a bough, in imitation of Man the robo-butler. And their president Abimelech, the immaculate bastard son of Jerubbaal, chopped his tree and tied on olive branches as well. So the whole assembly together resembled a mobile forest.
And Gabriel the son of Iblis came out of the church, and stood on the peak of Mount Dunsinane; and he looked down, and he saw olive trees moving: they were inching toward the mountainside.
And when Gabriel beheld this sight, he said to the Septuagint, who had joined him on the mount, “Behold, there come the Woods of Bethlehem up the mountain.” And the Septuagint said unto him, “Thou seest the shadow of the trees as if they were men.”
And Gabriel spake again, and said, “See there comes a whole forest of olive boughs by the middle of the mule path, right where we have the sluices set up for our gold panning, and another group of trees are coming along by the base, from the Woods of Bethlehem, just like the child-king prophesied in my dream.”
Then said the Septuagint unto Gabriel: “Where now is your tough-guy attitude, wherewith you boasted ‘Who is Abimelech, that we should serve him?’ Go down, I pray now, and fight with them.”
And Gabriel took the mule path down and met the members of the cabinet of Abimelech, and they greeted him with their olive branches, but when Gabriel saw the robo-butler Man, his face became ashen, and he fled away. And he tripped as he ran, and he tumbled over the rocks along the mountainside, and he was sorely wounded.
Then Abimelech and his cabinet reached the summit of Mount Dunsinane, where the church was; and when the Septuagint and Gabriel’s raiders who were in the church looked out and saw the Woods of Bethlehem at their front doorstep, they dashed as one to the back of the sanctuary, and scrambled up over the baptismal display, and leapt out the back of the church, crashing through the stained-glass window. And they rolled down the mountain.
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