Feat 6: Abimelech Elohim
Now Abimelech, the immaculate bastard of Jerubbaal, chose to live in Bethlehem with his mother, the virgin prostitute, instead of living in Nara, Japan, with his seventy brothers in their father’s log cabin.
And the wayfarers of the Volcano were still traveling around, stopping in various places, and mixing and mingling with everyone.
Now the volcano of potential was the true captain of the caravansary, and Bryan the shadow of Moses had already been anointed the King of Kings of America, thus they had no need for any other Christ. Plus, the Volcano made it clear that he preferred that the people remain leaderless – in other words, that they rule themselves, with every individual remaining her own sovereign, and every person putting on prophethood (and, if possible, elohimhood). Nevertheless, the wayfarers often indulged in the folly of electing a figurehead, just so that they could have someone in space and time to bow to. This, although stupid, was almost fun, and the Volcano permitted it.
Sometimes the multitudes took a god from their celestial assemblage, and sometimes they followed a physical human. After the departure of Jerubbaal, the people selected a LORD from among their collection of Baalims. So, for a few decades, Baal-berith was their god; also known as “Lord of the Covenant.” Then, when this got old, they decided to go back to letting the royal bloodline have a say in the matter: so they sought out the seventy sons of Jerubbaal, and his immaculate bastard Abimelech came also among them; and the caravan prepared to have a national mega-argument, where the candidates would debate each other in public. Loud, annoying speeches would be delivered to the half-listening masses. And, in the end, they planned to haul out some voting booths: the idea was to let blood-pride be rough-hewn by raw popularity.
So the first to give a campaign speech, among the offspring of Jerubbaal in the running, was the immaculate bastard Abimelech. He tried to appeal to his fellow Bethlehemites among the multitudes, saying: “Elect me, Abimelech Elohim, to be your god. I am already your god – that’s reason number one: I am among the elohims, and I was conceived immaculately by way of a magdalene, whose virginity was restored by the moon goddess Diana, mother of our beloved Gideon Jerubbaal. Ask yourselves which possibility is more favorable: either that all the sons of Jerubbaal, which are threescore and ten persons, reign over you; or that one deific opportunist reign over you? Remember also that I am your bone and your flesh.” Abimelech made this last remark because most of the people from Bethlehem were also born of magdalenes; for, in that place, prostitution was not only legal but a highly respected career.
I should have also mentioned that there were only two candidates in the running: Abimelech, on the Illegitimate Ticket; and, on the Legit Ticket, the Septuagint, which was the collective name of Jerubbaal’s other seventy sons.
And when the Bethlehemites heard all the above words of Abimelech, their hearts inclined to vote for him to be god; for they said: “He is our sibling.” And they donated funds to his campaign, taking threescore and ten pieces of silver out of the ark of Baal-berith (the Lord of the Covenant); wherewith Abimelech hired a team of vain and light persons to market his image.
And the wayfarers of the Volcano’s caravan gathered together with all the nations that had joined them, and they performed a snap election. This was done in accordance with the people’s unanimous whim. And the winner was Abimelech.
Now when the seventy sons of Jerubbaal who comprised the Septuagint saw that their opponent had already beaten them at the ballot box (before they had even gotten a chance to deliver their own rebuttal, in the above debate), their corporate body climbed up and stood on top of a pillar, and lifted its voice, and cried to the populace, saying as follows:
“O citizens of the caravan, if you hearken unto me, then the volcano of potential will surely hearken unto you. But if you choose to ignore my speech, then I will explode in your face with molten lava, brimstone, and ash.
“Alright, now listen up. I have a parable for you fools. See if you can tell how it applies to your recent bad decision:
“Once upon a time, all the trees in the forest shuffled forth to elect one of their own to be their Eternal Savior. (For Bryan the True King of Kings has been lounging on planet Jupiter for millennia now, and he apparently can’t be bothered to tend to the petty concerns of the Tree People.)
“Alright, so, now, before the thorny bramble bush even had a chance to give its campaign pitch, these trees all anointed the olive tree, and they said: ‘Be thou our personal god.’
“But the olive tree replied to the rest of the forest, saying, ‘Wait! but I have so much good oil in me, such lovely rich fatness – why would I want to waste my time being your god? Go elect someone who has nothing better to do, and no luxurious talents to offer: that is the best type of tree to set as your figurehead: a soulless politician.’
“Then the trees of the forest turned and said to the fig tree: ‘Come on, please, we beg you: Be our wonderful counselor.’
“But the fig replied to the rest of the trees: ‘Should I just waste all the sweetness of my delicious fruit, and abandon a life of goodness for the bad evil corrupt life of statesmanship, and be promoted over the rest of the forest? No way. Go find a worthless politician.’
“Then said the trees unto the vine: ‘O please come be our mighty Father, and rule over your kingdom with a fist of iron. Lo, your throne shall have no end.’
“And the vine answered and said: ‘Look, I produce alcohol, which gladdens the heart of the elohims. Why would I want to wag my head over the top of the forest, like some air-brained scarecrow. Go ask a politician to do your dirty work.’
“At this point, having run out of options, the trees all finally approached the thorny bramble bush and said: ‘Will you please take the government on your shoulders?’
“And the bramble bush answered the trees, saying: ‘If you are truly asking me to be your Messiah, and you mean this sincerely, then I accept your offer: come and take shelter under my immense shadow. However, if you are only teasing me, and you plan to yank back my crown, because you have already chosen, with one accord, to let the coniferous evergreen symbolize your Christ, then beware: for fire shall come shooting out of my thorns and devour every one of you towering cedars!’
“Now therefore,” continued the Septuagint, having concluded its parable, “if you fools decide truly and sincerely to repent of your recent vote tally, where you elected the immaculate bastard Abimelech Elohim, and you renege on that promise and, after having second thoughts, move to inaugurate me instead, because you know that I am the true heir of our father Jerubbaal, whose heroic action saved you from the bandits (even though you fell in love with his illegitimate offspring, and elevated Abimelech over Yours Truly, on account of the fact that he is your countryman, because, like the majority of you here today, his mother is a magdalene from Bethlehem, whereas I am just seventy sons from Nara, Japan), I say, if you all honestly and sincerely wish to re-do the recent election and transfer the royal scepter to me, your rightful ruler, then that is fine and dandy; but, on the other hand, if you are all so stubborn and ignorant that, in spite of all that I said just now, you would rather remain firmly fixed in your folly and redouble your support for this whoreson Abimelech, then I hope you can rejoice in him, and he in you, when fire comes out of all my thorns and burns up you voters and your precious evergreen too: Merry Christmas.”
And the Septuagint ran away, and fled, and went to a tavern to drown its sorrows; and it dared not leave there, for fear of Abimelech its brother.
(The populace did not end up retroactively counter-electing the Septuagint.)
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