The first of the four parts of the next adventure

Feat 10: Jephthah Elohim

Now Jephthah the Ozian was a mighty hero, a man of renown: one of the elohims. And he was the son of a prostitute, just like his fellow elohim Abimelech, the immaculate bastard of Jerubbaal (who was nicknamed Gideon, after the Bible). In fact, many great men were born to harlots in those days: I’m thinking of Perez and Zerah, Judah’s sons; all Hosea’s children; Jesus of Nazareth, etc. So the illegitimate Jephthah was in noble and decent company.

But, unfortunately; unlike the Volcano, whose motto is “the more the merrier,” in respect of gods and spouses; the brothers from Jephthah’s other mother – that is, the offspring of his father’s legal wife – despised the sweet fruits of harlotry, as much as the LORD of the Church of the Country Just South of Canada abhorred other gods. So Jephthah’s brethren came and threatened him with deadly weapons, and said: “Leave this land. For we fear that you will try to inherit our father’s fortune, which you do not deserve, because your mother was not our mother but a strange woman – that is to say: you are the son of a whore.”

So Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob, which is short for Tobor Reltub, the satanic spelling of Robot Butler – although this land has nothing to do with benevolent androids; quite the opposite, in fact, as it is notorious for being populated only by villains.

So, like I said, Jephthah fled to the land of Tob. And there he settled; and he became friends with many of the residents, who were all men of unsavory character.

And it came to pass in process of time, that the Church of the God of the Lower Parts of North America began to grow jealous of the Parsees who had befriended the caravan’s captain, because their spirit of fire was noticeably clearer than His. So this God of the Church instructed Jephthah’s brothers, who were all upstanding members of that God’s congregation, to go out among those Persian heretics, and find and reacquire their fiery spirit. (For the fire must have belonged to Him in the first place, the Church God presumed, because of its clarity; and the Parsees therefore must have stolen it.)

Then the brethren of Jephthah, charged with this mission to take back the spirit of fire from those worshippers in Persia, yet knowing that to perform this act would be to break their own Lord’s commandment “Thou shalt not steal,” after discussing the matter at length amongst themselves, concluded that it would be best to outsource this task.

So Jephthah’s brothers, who were so cruel to him in the past, came humbly approaching him on this occasion, to seek his help, since he lived in Tob, which is populated by villains. And his brethren said unto Jephthah: “Come, and be the ringleader of a black op: employ your countrymen, who are all avowed immoralists, to accompany you on a covert mission to the Parsees; for we aim to repossess their spirit of fire.”

And Jephthah answered his brethren: “Did you not hate me, just a moment ago? The whole reason I live here in Tob now is that you expelled me from our father’s house. Yet now you come begging for help, because you need a crime committed, and you’re too afraid to perform the deed yourselves.”

Then his brothers said to Jephthah: “We are not afraid; it is just that this action violates our code of ethics; thus, performing it would afflict us with qualms of conscience. Whereas, if you and your friends go and do it, then the memories of the transgression will be yours, not ours; and the trauma therefrom will haunt you and your friends, not us. Out of sight, out of mind.”

Then Jephthah answered his brothers and said: “Listen up: If I agree to accomplish this misdeed for you, and the Volcano grants the operation success, then will you all accept me as your legitimate brother, and anoint me to be the chief of our tribe, and grant me the title of ‘Boss,’ and ask me to be the Godfather of your children?”

And all the brethren of Jephthah said: “Let it be so. May the God of the Church condemn us, if we offend against the tenor of your words.”

Then Jephthah assembled a select group of reprobates from among the townsmen of Tob, to serve as his cabal in this wicked endeavor. And his brothers performed a ceremony at their Church in Darthmouth, under the fountain of the kegs, where they anointed Jephthah to be their tribal chief; and they henceforth addressed him as ‘The Boss.’