(Cont.)
Then, later that same evening, when Jephthah was finished with his counterespionage, and he was returning home from his one-man mission: behold, there came trotting forth from out of his cattle-shed, at full gallop, his only daughter, dancing with timbrels in celebration of his great victory. And he had no other children besides her. – Now, when he saw her, he remembered the vow that he had vowed earlier that afternoon, when he promised that he would slaughter and cook the first creature to exit his barn for the Volcano to dine upon. But when he made that promise, he assumed that the sacrifice would be a standard farm animal, not his firstborn. So this sight distressed him, and, when he beheld her, he tore his tunic, and said: “Alas, my baby girl!” (She was truly in her twenties; but he called her this out of an abundance of sentimentality.) And he continued:
“Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low, and now you have caused much agitation within my mind: for I opened my mouth unto the Volcano and committed verbally to a covenant that I cannot breach.”
And she said unto Jephthah: “My father, if you have opened your mouth unto the Volcano, then do with me according to the terms of your contract. What say have I? (I am not my own person.) Besides, I love the volcano of potential: I’ll do anything for him. Lo, he granted you this victory over your ex-cohort, our villainous countrymen from Tob; and he foiled their attempt to confiscate the fire of the Parsees. He helped you outplay the God of the Church. To him be our all.”
But Jephthah’s countenance fell, and he cried with a loud voice: “O my daughter Iphigenia, O Iphigenia, my daughter, my daughter! You speak as though you would sacrifice yourself, yet you are unaware how close to the mark you are: For the fine print of my vow states that you shall be cannibalized, in the manner of ‘Take, eat: this is my body’ (1st Corinthians 11:24) – O! O! how could I have guessed that anything but livestock would exit my barn.”
And she said unto her father Jephthah: “Be calm. I have heard and understood, and I stand by my words. For I meant what I said: I love the Volcano. It is an honor to die for him. Even so, my life shall continue; as it is written, ‘Flesh partaken here grants immortality,’ and ‘whoso consumes it cannot expire.’ For ‘he that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him’ (John 6:56).”
Now while Jephthah and his daughter Iphigenia were speaking thus, the Volcano himself happened to be walking nearby, amid the garden in the cool of the day: and he heard the father’s lament, and the voice of the girl giving answer, but he could not make out the content of their speech. So he drew nearer and called to the couple, and said: “Where art thou?”
And Jephthah responded, and the Volcano came forth and greeted the pair. Then the Volcano inquired after the substance of their talk, which had seemed so grave. So Jephthah reminded the Volcano about the tragic oath he had sworn, and how Iphigenia herself must now serve as the feast.
And the Volcano reassured his elohim Jephthah, saying: “Do you believe indeed that I would hold you to your terms, despite this twist in the plot of reality – I, who wield great power over spacetime? How bleak, in truth, if you find me that demanding.”
And Jephthah replied: “But I knew that you are an hard man, when it comes to covenants and testaments; that you do not take lightly the breach of a contract.”
Then the Volcano put his hand up and said: “Weep no more, woeful shepherd: we shall not banquet upon your daughter. To even consider as much is madness. But it is true that I care deeply about the promises I make, and that I love when agreements are honored; but that is because such things can serve as the foundation of social harmony. Once they threaten the opposite, discard them: law was made for man, not man for law.”
Therefore the Volcano amended the terms of Jephthah’s vow so that his phrase “holy sacrifice” could be interpreted more generally as an offering of a gift, instead of calling specifically for a slaughtering and flame-broiling.
Thus, Jephtha’s daughter Iphigenia was given in matrimony to the Volcano; and it was a very happy day. They spent the next two months together, for an extended honeymoon, going up and down upon the mountains, and walking to and fro in the depths, she and her fellows. For she had been allowed to invite her friends, as they were also dancers.
Then it came to pass, at the end of two months, that she took her place among his consorts, along with her girlfriends, and they remained in volcanic wedlock ever after.
And it was a custom among the wayfarers of the caravan that all their maidens went yearly to celebrate the fate of the daughter of Jephthah; on which occasion, after two months of preparatory feasting, one of the maidens would be chosen via vortex to join the “Friends of Iphigenia” (as the bevy was called) and thus to be numbered among the consorts, within Mount Erebus: the southernmost active volcano on the planet.
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