From prison to prosperity; Egypt weathers the famine; the desperation of Joseph’s brothers

(Cont.)

Then the King of Egypt dreamt a dream wherein a fat cow died of starvation. This dream disturbed the King because he could not decode its meaning. So he offered a reward of the highest position in the kingdom to whoever could explain the dream correctly. But none of his magicians or biblical scholars could make heads or tails of it. Then the King’s bartender recalled meeting a Certified Dream Expert during his days in prison: so he told Pharaoh the story about the nightmares that he and the ex-baker experienced, and how Joseph had told them the meanings of these visions. And the bartender emphasized to the King how subsequent events had come to pass exactly in the way that Joseph predicted. Thus Pharaoh grew curious, and he had Joseph summoned into his presence.

So the guards of the prison brought Joseph hastily out of the dungeon: and he shaved himself, and changed his raiment, and went forth to Pharaoh.

When Joseph entered the throne room, he said to the King: “I know the meaning of all dreams: I wrote the book on how to interpret them.” And Joseph explained to the King that his dream about the fat cow starving to death meant that there would soon be a worldwide famine.

As Joseph spoke, the Egyptian King began to feel hungry, and this convinced him that Joseph’s analysis must be correct; so he awarded Joseph the highest position in the government. And Joseph used his new power to stockpile foodstuffs in Egypt.

Now the decisions and behavior of Joseph impressed the King greatly, and Joseph appeared marvelous in the eyes of Pharaoh. And Pharaoh said to his servants: “This seems like a man infused by the Spirit of Aton.”

Then the King said to Joseph: “I have never seen, among my psychoanalysts, a man who is as wise as you are. Aton is surely on your side. I shall therefore make you the overseer of my palace, and according to your word shall all the people of this country be ruled. Only in the throne will I be superior to you.”

And Pharaoh removed the ring from his hand, and put it upon Joseph’s hand, and arrayed him in vestures of fine linen, and put a gold chain about his neck; and he made him to ride in the second chariot which he had; thus, when Joseph passed before them, the multitudes cried out: “Bend the knee!” Thus did Pharaoh make him to be ruler over all the land.

So, instead of expiring in agony as his brothers hoped he would do, Joseph became a successful and well-adjusted member of Egyptian society.

§

Now Pharaoh said unto his new Vice Pharaoh: “No longer shall you be called Joseph, but henceforward your name shall be Zaphnath-paaneah” (which means Creator and Sustainer of All Human Life).

Then the King gave Joseph to wife Asenath the daughter of Potiphar (the same man whose wife had tried to seduce him). And Joseph was thirty years old when he became the Doppel-King of Ancient Egypt.

And for several years, the land yielded food in abundance. So, instead of eating it all, right then and there, Joseph gathered up and stored all this food. Any produce that could be preserved, he amassed it. He kept so much corn, for instance, that when his underlings tried to tally up its total, for the sake of maintaining an accurate inventory, instead of finishing the count, they physically collapsed from exhaustion: for it defied numbering.

But after Joseph made this wise choice to save up all the crops and commodities, the years of dearth began. And there was no more bread in the universe. So all the Egyptians cried to Pharaoh, and Pharaoh said to them: “Go ask Joseph to feed you: for he preserved more food than can be fathomed.”

And Joseph opened all the storehouses, and he rationed out the riches. And every country, from all over the earth, came into Egypt to get corn from Joseph, because the famine was global.

§

Meanwhile, back at home, Joseph’s father Jacob and his family all began to starve. So, since local rumors claimed that there was a stockpile of foodstuffs in Egypt, Jacob told his sons to travel there and acquire goods, so that they might not die of starvation.

Therefore, ten of Joseph’s brothers went down to purchase groceries from Egypt. But Benjamin Franklin, Joseph’s adorably tubby brother, stayed home with his pops, “Lest mischief befall him,” as Jacob declared. For he had already lost one son of Rachel, when Joseph was devoured by an evil beast (as Jacob thought), and he was not eager to lose the other.

Now, when his ten brothers arrived in Egypt, Joseph himself came out and met them. And although he knew them straight off, his brothers did not in turn recognize Joseph; for he was dressed in the Egyptian fashion and spoke with a strong Egyptian accent, and his skin was jet black.

His brothers bowed to him and requested to buy some food. At this point, Joseph remembered his dream that he dreamt in his youth; and he said harshly to them: “Where do you come from? What do you want?”

His brothers said: “Cambridge, Massachusetts. The famine is bad there. We come to buy food.”

Joseph said: “Liars. You came here as spies.”

And they cried: “No, no; but we are truly very hungry. Our father instructed us to see what sustenance we might obtain here in your country, to save our family from starvation. For our father had twelve sons, of which we are ten; the youngest one stayed back home with father, and our other brother was abducted by aliens.”

Then Joseph frowned and said: “No, it’s like I said, you are all agents of espionage, sent to stir up trouble in the land. Yet I shall put you to the test. You shall be detained, and not leave Egypt, until your youngest brother comes here. If he actually exists, and I see him with my own eyes, then I will believe your cover story. Until then, all but one of you shall remain in jail. Choose one of you to go back and fetch your brother, or else you’ll all be executed as foreign operatives.”

Then he locked them up in a ward for three whole days. And at the end of the third day, Joseph came to them and said: “Alright, I’ve changed my mind a little, out of mercy, because I’m a worshipper of Aton. Do as follows, and you shall live. If you are telling the truth about your family’s situation, then let just one of you remain here in this guardhouse, as a surety, while the rest of you take food home to your father and his people, so that they don’t starve. But you must not forget to bring your youngest brother to me. If you do indeed return with him, I will consider your words to be verified, and you shall not be executed.”

Now Joseph said all this in the Egyptian tongue, and an interpreter translated the words of his speech for his brothers. So his brothers assumed that Joseph could not understand them, when they deliberated as follows, after his speech had concluded, saying one to another: “We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, yet we would not hear – that is why this distress has befallen us.” And Nebajoth wrung his hands and cried out to his brethren: “I told you so; did I not!? I said: ‘Do not sin against the child.’ But would you hear me? No! You all went and sold the lad into slavery, while I was otherwise engaged.”

Hearing this, Joseph turned away from his brothers and wept. Then, when he had regained his composure, he returned to them, and communed with them, and said: “Tell me your decision. Which one of you brothers shall remain bound here in the ward, on the group’s behalf?” And they answered as one: “We give you Mishma Massa Mibsam.”

Now the brothers had all paid money for the food that they had requested, but when Joseph instructed his servicemen to fill his brethren’s suitcases with the produce, he told them to place also therewithin every man’s money. And Joseph also gave them extra provisions for the trip.

So they laded their asses, and departed thence.

Then, when they were partway home, they stopped at an inn; and, as Judas opened his case to get provender for his ass, behold: his money was there on top. And he said to his brethren: “Someone restored my caesars – look here in my suitcase!” And their heart failed them, and they were afraid, saying one to another: “What is this that Aton has done to us?”

Then when they arrived home in Cambridge, they told their father Jacob all that had happened, saying: “The lord of the land accused us of being undercover agents. We said: ‘No we’re not,’ but he said: ‘Yes you are.’ Then he locked us in a jail; yet when he found out that we had another brother who had not joined our trip, he said: ‘One of you must remain here imprisoned while the rest of you go fetch your youngest; then, if he comes with you on your return, I will know that you are true men and not reprehensible spies.’”

Then it happened that, as they were all emptying out their luggage, behold, every man’s suitcase contained sacks of caesars in addition to the foodstuffs. When they and their father Jacob saw these bundles of money, they were terrified. Until now, they all assumed it was only Judas whose lucre had reappeared; and they all partly assumed that Judas was dissembling when he called the refund erroneous, since it was plausible that this outcome was something that he himself had secretly machinated.

Then Jacob their father said unto them: “Ye have bereaved me of my children: lo, Joseph is not; Mishma Massa Mibsam now is not. And will ye take Benjamin Franklin away, to boot? O! All these things are against me.”

Now Nebajoth spake unto his father, saying: “Slay my two sons, if I bring Benjy not back.”

But Jacob cried: “My little one shall not go down with you. For his brother got ripped to shreds; thus, Benjamin is the only child left of his mother: Now if mischief befall him on the journey, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.”

So the brothers did not immediately return to Egypt. They left their sibling Mishma Massa Mibsam confined in the ward, as they stayed in Cambridge with their father.