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And before the beginning, the Creator created the Creator. These Creators go back seven generations. The first Creator was not itself created but just emerged from nothing within the non-realm of Chaos; then, a little later but still before the beginning, that very first Creator made this inexact copy of itself (either better or worse, depending on certain givens – let us call it an embellishment), rather a refraction than a reflection; and that next Maker repeated the creative act of its parent to fashion its own child, and so on, until the 7th-Gen Creator created the gods.
In the beginning, the gods created the world. This consisted of sky and land, or heaven and earth, all messed up. Everything was nonviable and indeterminate: it was a wasteland and a wastesky. Darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the gods moved as wind over the waters.
Then the gods said: “Let us make for ourselves a voodoo-logos, and christen it ‘the Word,’ so that we can augment reality by simply speaking; and let us merge with it, so that we cannot be in danger of misplacing it. Also let us combine all our selves together into one organic deity, until we finish this work.”
Therefore the gods made God; and the Word existed with God from the beginning, and the Word was God.
And God said, “Light.” And it came on.
And God wrote down in his diary (the male pronoun is on account of his genitalia), “Light: Good.” And he dated the entry “March 15” and he left the year blank, because there were no years yet. And this was the very first day ever.
Then God segregated the light from the darkness, and he named the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. So the evening and the morning were the second day of all.
Then God employed the royal plural when thinking aloud to himself, and he said: “Let us segregate wet from dry, and high from low, like we did with light and dark.” That’s how God got that firmament between the oceans and the land, and also the firmament between the flat earth and the thing known as heaven.
Thus did the third day pass.
Then God said: “Leaves of grass.” And they shot forth from the ground, and trees came up also seeding seeds into the lofty high expanse. And God said: “Enough.” And it was so.
And God wrote “Green: Good,” in his diary for March 18, which was the fourth day: Wotan’s Day.
Then God repurposed the sparkles from the soul of the Dragon of Chaos to make the stars. And he scattered them into the blackness haphazardly: like “action painting,” where you drizzle drips on the canvas. If you claim to see dot-to-dot pictures in the nighttime sky (with stars for dots), as signs of a zodiac, you are betraying an underlying thought disorder, for the constellations are but the random inkblots of a Rorschach Test.
The sun and the moon, God did not make: those were already there. “Balls: Good,” God wrote, meaning the planets in outer space. And all the dark matter was belly-laughing.
Then God said: “Creeping things, come out of the waters, now!” And all sorts of insects bubbled up from the ocean and the muddy land, and they swarmed around. And they made the heaven murky. There were too many houseflies.
Now God created huge sea monsters; killer sharks; the Frankenstein creature (the “Modern Prometheus”); the Giant Squid, which can transmogrify into various people; sundry wretched, evil beings; huge pterodactyls; mummies and witches; and extraterrestrials. And God saw that all this bad was good.
And God blessed them, saying: “Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let poultry overrun the earth.”
And that took two full days: the fifth and the sixth, March 19–20: Thor’s Day, and the Day of Frig.
At this point, God said: “Let the earth experience labor pains and give birth to cattle, and all other types of livestock. But don’t eat them yet: just eat the trees, until I flood this place.”
And it was so. Cows were mooing with no one to milk them. (For bulls were nonexistent until the year 800 Anno Domini, therefore the female cattle could not reproduce, hence this milking dilemma – for if they could have conceived offspring, then their calves could have helped by sucking their udders. But, for twelve stony centuries – as the world was created in 4004 BC – all the male cattle in existence were steers; that is, castrated. “Then how could the species survive all that time in such a state of infertility,” you ask? Well, the animals lived extremely long lives, until the bulls appeared, at which point everything switched over to the way that it is at present.)
And God wrote: “Cows: Good.” This was on March 21st, Saturn’s Day: the day when Time started.
And God split himself back into a multitude of gods and goddesses, and they said one to another: “Let us make copies of ourselves: beings fashioned in our image, after our likeness, like little mirrors reflecting us, tridimensional self-portraits, which shall move and speak and create like we do, so that we can relate to this population. If we find them sufficiently likable, we might decide to live with them inside our own artwork. Howbeit, if these copies of us, whom we shall call humans, wish to make further copies of themselves, let us deny them our ability to do so via voodoo, and instead force them to engage in fornication; moreover, let us prank them by partially prohibiting this latter action.” So the gods created man in their own image: hypermasculine they created him; and the goddesses created woman in their own likeness: 100% feminine with no additives.
And the gods and goddesses decided henceforth to be One God or many, according to their fancy at that juncture.
Then God pranked humankind, and said unto them: “Be very careful about sexual intercourse. I instructed the creeping things to multiply full-throttle, but your kind is different. You should wear clothing, and enter a lengthy period of courtship before daring to mate. And you must get your parents’ permission to kiss each other; and do so only in front of the altar of THE CHURCH, at the conclusion of your marriage vows. Do not start a family until you have gained access to nearly sufficient funds. (Were you born into wealth? then: cheers! If you’re poor, then tough luck.) Remember to keep fish in a small bowl, and catch songbirds and cage them. Confine criminals similarly. Leash dogs and kids. Even if they were accidents, your children must honor you, or else. I think that is all.”
And God said: “Behold, I have given you every tree in the garden. Use them as meat. Be like me, and do as I do.” And God took a piece of fruit from the most beautiful tree in the garden, and bit into it, after he said this.
Then God surveyed every thing that he had made. Then, opening his diary to March 22, he wrote in all caps: “WHOLE WORLD: VERY GOOD.”
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished in a single week. (This was back in the days of the eight-day work-week with one day off, before the angelic rebellion earned us the five-day work-week and the two-day weekend.) And on his day off, God rested, for he was exhausted. He did nothing, all that day: he just lounged around the house. And there’s a paradise out back that he likes to walk in.
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