The start of Joseph’s story; & the story of Tamar

(Cont.)

Now the only important aspect that remains to be told about the rest of Jacob’s life is the story of his favorite son Joseph. Let us start at the very beginning, when Joseph was born:

OK, so when Joseph was seventeen years old, he was feeding his father’s flock with his brothers, and when they all were finished with this job, Joseph returned to their father and gave an evil report about his brothers.

Now Jacob the father loved Joseph his son more than all his other children. To emphasize this favoritism, Jacob gifted Joseph a coat of many colors.

Of course, when his brothers saw that their father loved Joseph much more than them, they hated Joseph, and they could not speak peaceably unto him.

Then Joseph dreamt a dream wherein he was proven to be the best patriarch of all. The dream featured Joseph in the lead role as a well-dressed heartthrob, and all his brothers and his parents played planets and stars – for the dream’s backdrop was outer space – and the whole entire universe kept on bowing and bowing to Joseph, and praising and worshipping him.

And Joseph showed this dream to his father and his brothers, and he interpreted his dream for them, saying: “The dream means that I am the best patriarch of all.” And this caused his brothers to hate Joseph even more. But Jacob their father kept an open mind.

Then, one day, his brothers went to feed their father’s flock. And Jacob said unto Joseph: “Aren’t your brothers feeding the flock? Go join them, and help them; for you told me before that they are not very good at this job.”

So Joseph went out to the field, to work with his brothers. And when his brothers saw him coming from afar off, even before he came near unto them, they conspired against him to destroy him. And they said one to another: “Behold, this dreamer approaches. Come now therefore, and let us slay him, and we will claim that some evil beast has devoured him. Then we will see what shall come of his big dream.”

But the eldest brother, Nebajoth, upon hearing this, argued against murdering Joseph. And Nebajoth said to his brothers: “Let us not kill him. Bloodshed is risky and unnecessary. Instead, let us cast him into this pit that is in the wilderness. That way, we will be rid of him, but without all the hassle.”

So it came to pass, when Joseph was come near to his brothers, that they stripped Joseph out of his coat, his coat of many colors that was on him; and they took him, and cast him into a pit. And this pit was empty, without any water in it.

Then the brothers took a break for lunch. And Nebajoth went off to alleviate a natural urge.

Now, as they ate, they looked up and noticed a company of merchants approaching, bearing spicery and balm and myrrh: they were heading down to Egypt to sell these things. While Nebajoth was still away, his brother Judas nudged all the other brothers and said: “Listen, why should we leave Joseph in that pit, where he is making us no money. Why don’t we sell him instead to these traveling merchants? That way, we can turn a profit, without even having to commit fratricide.”

The brothers were content with this idea. So they sold Joseph to the traveling salesmen for thirty caesars. And then those salesmen carried Joseph into Egypt.

At this point, Nebajoth returned from his divertissement and said: “You all look sheepish. What did I miss?”

Nebajoth’s brothers did not answer him. So, growing suspicious, he ran over to the pit where they had thrown Joseph, and, when he looked in, behold, it was empty. Therefore Nebajoth ratted his hair in angst. And he returned to his brothers and said: “The boy is not in the pit!” Then he voiced obscenities, and said: “What am I to do?”

Therefore, they took Joseph’s coat, and killed a lambkin, and dipped the coat in the blood. Then they brought back home the coat of many colors, and they showed it to their father, saying: “Look, we found Joseph’s garment all bloody like this. He likely got eaten.”

Then their father Jacob cried: “O! O! It is the coat of my son Joseph: no doubt an evil beast has devoured him; surely Joseph now is torn in tatters.” And Jacob rolled on the ground in despair, and mourned for his son many days.

All his sons and daughters rose up and tried to console their father, but Jacob refused to be comforted; and he said: “I will continue mourning for my son Joseph until the day that I die.” Thus his father wept for him.

And the traveling salesmen sold Joseph into Egypt unto a man named Potiphar, who was an officer of Pharaoh’s, and captain of the guard.

§

This is the perfect time to tell you about Judas. After the scene above, where he convinced his brothers to sell Joseph to the roving merchants, Judas himself left and took a trip to the lowlands.

Now Judas was walking around, when suddenly he saw a Canaanite woman – he said: “Ooh!” and he took her, and went in unto her. Her name was Showboat; and she conceived, and bare a son; and they called his name Error. Then she conceived again, and bare another son; and they called his name Onan. And, yet again, she conceived, and bare a third son; and they called his name Shell Oil.

Then Judas arranged for his firstborn, Error, to wed a woman named Tamar. So they got married: Error and Tamar.

But then Error died, leaving Tamar all alone.

So Judas said to his other son Onan: “Go in unto Tamar, and raise up seed for your brother.”

Thus, Onan climbed into bed with Tamar. But it came to pass, when he went in unto her, that he decided against fecundating Tamar, and instead he spilled his seed on the ground.

Then Onan died as well, leaving Tamar alone again.

So Judas counseled Tamar his daughter-in-law, saying: “Remain a widow at my house, until my third son Shell is old enough to rut.” But secretly Judas planned to postpone pairing his last son with Tamar, since he feared that Tamar was cursed: her lover’s slogan seemed to be: “Get in bed / End up dead.” Therefore, even when Shell became obviously capable of rutting, he never did visit the bedroom of Tamar.

So Tamar dwelt in her father-in-law’s house, husbandless and childless.

Then, in process of time, Showboat, the wife of Judas, died. So Judas comforted himself by attending the Sheepshearers Convention in Fort Collins, Colorado.

This was told Tamar by some of the neighborhood watchmen: “Behold, your father-in-law Judas is mourning the death of his wife Showboat with the sheepshearers. They all are probably shearing sheep.”

So Tamar discarded her widow’s garments: she covered herself with a veil, and donned a woolen bikini. Then she posed herself at the roadside before the Fort Collins Sheepshearers Convention.

And when Judas beheld her, he said: “Ooh!” for he assumed that she was a magdalene. And he went over and accosted Tamar, saying: “Hubba, I pray, let me come in unto you.” (As her face was veiled, he knew not that she was his daughter-in-law.)

Then Tamar said: “What will you pay, to come in unto me?”

And Judas answered: “I will send you a sheep from the flock. One that has not been sheared.”

And Tamar said: “First, give me some collateral, for a security deposit, as a pledge that I might trust you to send your payment.”

Judas answered: “What would you like?”

Tamar said: “Your coat, your kerchief, and your cufflinks: all of them clearly monogrammed.”

So he gave these to her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him.

Then she arose, and went away, and changed back into the garments of her widowhood.

And Judas shipped the unshorn sheep to Tamar from the convention, to receive back his monogrammed items that he left with her for collateral: but the animal was returned to him as undeliverable.

So Judas asked around, saying “Where is that magdalene who was posing at the roadside?” And everyone answered: “She has risen from here and is ascended to her father – as she said: ‘If a patriarch comes looking, deliver this message: Missing me one place, search another; I stop somewhere waiting for you.’”

Then it came to pass, about three months later, that some of the neighborhood watchmen said to Judas: “Lo, your daughter-in-law Tamar has committed whoredom: she is now with child.”

So Judas answered: “Bring her out, and burn her alive.”

Then, when Tamar was brought forth, she held up certain items, and announced in a clear voice to all: “The man whose monogram is on this coat, this kerchief, and these cufflinks, he is the father of my child.” And she read aloud the letters that were embroidered and engraved there, one by one, very slowly and plainly, and they spelled out: JUDAS.

Therefore Judas acknowledged the fact, and he said: “My daughter-in-law has been more righteous than I; because I withheld my son Shell Oil from her bedroom.”

And Judas refused to sleep with her ever again.

§

Now, behold, twins were in the womb of Tamar.

And it came to pass, when she travailed, that one of the unborn infants put out its hand; and it was clutching and groping about: and the midwife caught hold of the little appendage and bound upon it a scarlet thread, saying “This broke forth first.”

Then it happened that the same infant drew back his hand; and the other infant came out altogether. Thus, the midwife said: “This broke past the first breaker – he pulled him back and blocked him out!”

And those two exclamations of the midwife correspond exactly to the meaning of the names that the twins were given: Zarah and Pharez.

MORAL: Birth order matters.