Chapter 9
Now there was an oligarch named Kane, a descendent of Benjamin Franklin, a mighty and powerful man: a mover and shaker. And this Kane had a son, whose name was Saul, a choice young gent, well proportioned and very attractive: in fact, there was not among the multitudes a handsomer person than he: Saul was the tallest man in the nation.
Now, once upon a time, all of Kane’s asses got loose. (Asses were that era’s luxury automobiles; but, unlike luxury automobiles, which cannot simply start themselves up and speed away without a driver to pilot them, asses can escape on their own: this is due to their highly advanced Animal Intelligence.) So Kane said to Saul his son: “Take now one of our houseslaves with you, and arise, go seek my asses.”
Therefore Saul passed through Paris of the mountains, between Rome and Florida, and over the land of Shangri-La, but they found no runaway asses. Then they wandered around the land of Shaolin, which is Staten Island in New York, yet there were no rogue asses there either. Then they went to Ancient London and found nothing. Finally they visited all the Masonic Lodges in the world, but found not a single ass.
So Saul said to the slave who was with him: “Come, let us return; lest my father have cause to tally up two more asses lost.”
But the slave said to Saul: “Wait a minute. Where are we now – is this the city of Zuph? Yes, here’s a locale sign: this is Zuph. Look, I happen to know that there is in this place a holy man, an elohim, and he is honorable and favored by the Volcano: all that he says surely comes to pass, for he is a soothsayer. Now let us go visit him: peradventure he can show us where to find the fugitive asses.”
Then said Saul to his slave: “But, behold, if we go, then what shall we bring the man for a bribe? For the bread is spent in our vessels, and there is not a sack of wine left to offer the elohim. For I drank it all last night. Now what shall we do?”
And the slave answered Saul again, and said: “Look, I have here in my loincloth one silver caesar – it’s all the money that I own (for my servitude in your father’s house has always remained unpaid). We can give the Seer this coin, so that he will tell us our fortune.”
Ghostwriter’s note: Beforetime in the caravansary, whenever a man went to find out the Will of God, he would say: “Come, let us lobby the Seer.” For in those times people held in highest regard a person who could see divine visions: hence the title “Seer”; whereas nowadays people hold in higher esteem a “Prophet”: a professor of opinions.
Then Saul said to his slave: “Good idea; let us go.” So they went unto the city where the elohim was.
Now as they went up the hill to the city, they met young maidens going out to draw water, and said unto them: “Is the Seer here?”
And the women answered and said: “He is; look, there he stands, directly before you. Make haste now, for he just arrived here in Zuph – we’re having a feast to Lady Asherah and Lord Yahweh, in the high place, and the Seer is presiding. Follow the road that you are on, and you will straightway find him. He will be grilling at the altar. Give him a chance to finish cooking before you accost him, though; for the people will not eat until he has blessed the sacrifice. You can join in the meal. We shall come, too, once we’ve finished this water-drawing. There will be dancing afterwards. Maybe we’ll see you two there. Good luck!”
So Saul and his slave went into the city of Zuph: and when they approached the high place, behold, Samuel came out against them. For the Volcano had told Samuel in his ear the day before, saying: “Tomorrow about this time I will send you a man who has been around the world. When you meet him, he shall have just come from visiting Ancient London, and all the Lodges of Freemasonry. I want you to anoint him to be the presidential candidate, whom the people shall be urged to vote for. He will help us obtain even better relations with the Sea People; and he can smooth a path for the caravan to intermix with the surrounding nations.”
So when Samuel saw Saul, the Volcano said in his earpiece (for he was communicating to his elohim via satellite, while away on a trip out east), “Look! That’s the man whom I told you about – this is the one who should be the caravan’s president.”
Then Saul drew near to Samuel, as they were passing through the city’s gate, and said: “Excuse me, Sir. Could you tell me where the Seer lives?”
And Samuel said to Saul: “I am the Seer. Come up before me unto the high place; for you shall feast with me today; then, on the morrow, I will let you go, and will tell you all that is in your heart. And as for your asses that were lost three days ago, do not worry about them; for they have been found. More important is the fact that all the moguls of the caravan have singled out your father’s house to provide our future ruler – for we are about to elect our first president, and you yourself look like the choicest horseflesh, in the eyes of those who decide such things.”
Then Saul answered, saying: “But how could that be? For I descend from Benjamin Franklin, Joseph’s tubby little brother, the smallest and roundest of the patriarchs of Ishmael.”
But Samuel smirked and said to Saul: “Small? Round? Look at yourself: You’re one tall drink of water – a whole head higher than the rest of the caravansary. Mighty of stature, svelte and attractive, just the way Yahweh likes them. So, relax; accept your bon fortuna. Let the fame wash over you. Best to enjoy it while it lasts, for it’s a long way down from the world-top; and the bigger you are, the harder you fall.”
Then Samuel took Saul and his slave, and brought them into the Grand Lodge, and made them sit in the chiefest place among them that were bidden, which were about thirty aeons. (Aeons are emanations of the Endlessness; they’re basically like angels, except intelligent.) And Samuel said to the cook: “Bring the portion of meat about which I told you ‘Reserve this for our future dignitary’.” And the cook took up the tenderloin, and set it before Saul. And Samuel said: “Behold the dish prepared for our guest of honor! Now, take, eat! For unto this moment has it been saved aside, ever since I invited all the townsfolk to this occasion.” So Saul did feast with Samuel that day.
Then, when the meal was done, the dancing began; and Samuel beckoned Saul up to the top of the shrine, on the high place, where the aeons had prepared a bed.
And on the morrow, it came to pass about the spring of the day, that Samuel called to Saul at the top of the shrine, saying: “Arise; the celebration is complete. You look exhausted, but I hope you’re refreshed: Now you know how Samson felt, at the end, ha ha!”
And Saul got up from the bed on the rooftop, and they went out both of them, he and Samuel, abroad. Then, as they were going down to the end of the city, Samuel said to Saul: “Bid your slave pass on ahead of us.” And the slave walked a little forward so that the prophet and his candidate could have privacy. Then Samuel continued, and said to Saul: “Now stand still here awhile, so that I may show you the word of the Volcano.”
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