Chapter 10
Then Samuel took a vial of oil, and poured it upon Saul’s head, and kissed him, and said: “Is this not because the Volcano has anointed you to be president over his caravansary?”
Then Samuel continued to tell Saul many other fantastic matters, saying: “When you have departed from me today, then you shall find two men by Rachel’s sepulcher in the Zelzah Zone of the Benjamin Franklin Piazza; and they will say unto you, ‘The asses that you went to seek are found; and, lo, your father is now telling everyone a parable about you and your fellow traveler, the slave, and calling you two his long lost asses.’ After that, you shall go forward and come to the plain before Buck Hill in Burnsville, and you shall meet a trinity of strange men going up to Beth-Elohim (Bethlehem, the House of Gods), and they shall be preparing to attend the World Columbian Exposition: one shall be carrying a lambkin; the second, two loaves of bread; and the third, three skins of wine: and they will salute you, and give you the two loaves of bread, and transform the wine into water, and it shall have several fishes within it, which you might use to feed multitudes. After that, you shall come to the Hill of Mars, near the garrison of the Sea People, where they keep their penteconter, and you shall find an altar with this inscription: TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. There, you shall meet a company of prophets coming down from the high place with a psaltery, and a tabret, and a pipe, and a harp, before them; and they shall prophesy: And the Spirit of the Volcano will come upon you, and you shall prophesy in ecstasy along with them, and you shall be apotheosized into new man. Now, when these signs have happened to you, stay loose and ready, and act in whatever way the situation seems to demand, for you shall have become saturated by the volcano of potential. And you shall go before me to the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest; and, behold, I will come down unto you, to grill meat and preside over another dance-a-thon. And this shall continue for seven days. Tarry there, and join the dance if you like, until I yell out: ‘Enough!’ Whereupon, I’ll instruct you what to do next.”
And it was so, that when Saul had turned his back to go from Samuel, the Volcano gave him another heart: it seemed hotter, as if it were pumping magma. And all the above signs came to pass that same afternoon.
So when they arrived at the hill, behold, a company of prophets met Saul; and the Spirit of the Volcano completely suffused him, and he prophesied ecstatically among the ensemble. And it happened that, when his former acquaintances saw Saul in this new attitude, producing sublime poetry as a charismatic Seer and a True Prophet of the Volcano, they ridiculed him, making reference to the 1941 film that is Saul’s father’s namesake, as they quipped one to another: “What’s this, has Citizen Kane’s little boy found his ‘Rosebud’ and gone sledding off a cliff, after losing his mind along with the asses that he wandered after?” And “Is this spoiled scion Saul now a petrified prophet? He’ll soon inherit his comeuppance.”
Then, when Saul made an end of prophesying, he came to the high place and entered the shrine. And there awaiting him, quite inexplicably, was Saul’s uncle, a bigtime creditor, and one of the henchmen of the Accuser, who is the God of this World – he said to Saul: “Where on God’s green earth have you been?” And Saul said: “To seek the asses; but, finding them nowhere, we went to visit Samuel the Seer.”
And Saul’s uncle said: “What! The Seer? Tell me, I pray, what did Samuel disclose of our oligarchic masterplan?”
And Saul answered his uncle, saying: “He told me only that the asses were safe and sound.” But the secret about the kingdom which Samuel let slip to Saul, the young man leaked not to his uncle. (Saul’s uncle’s name was Nerd, by the way.)
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Now Samuel called the caravansary together, for a meeting with the Volcano, in the Infernal Council Chamber of Pandemonium. Then, when everyone had congregated, the fiery vortex appeared onstage, amid thick black smoke, and its aperture opened, revealing a figure within the bright light: this being had the appearance of a wild man whose body was brown like rusty iron, and whose hair hung over his face down past his feet. All that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were shaped like the eyes of a goat. And he spoke as follows to the multitudes gathered there:
“I brought your ancestors out of the Empire, and delivered them from the hand of their oppressors; for they were all working people, and the creditors there mistreated them: that’s why I rescued them. I brought them up onto my hill, and feasted with them. Then we traveled together: first through the wilderness, and then all over the globe. They mixed and mingled with many nations. I lived among them, as I do now with you; but it was less usual, back then, for humans and elohims to cohabit. Now, because of my many multinational projects, and your understandably busy schedules, our interactions have become limited; we still see each other at the temple, now and again, in the Furnace of Potential; but I understand that you all desire something different from the ‘king among hinds’ situation that we’ve been living for the past few generations: you’d like a change of pace, and to conform with the governmental setup that you see in the surrounding nations. That’s fine with me: I have no hard feelings. If you ever desire to return to this state of affairs that you’re all currently rejecting, just let me know, and I’ll set the gears in motion to bring it about again. But understand that it will take time. That is all. Now I’ll hand the floor over to my prophet Samuel, and he will help you choose your president.”
Then Samuel stepped onstage and said: “Give ear, O ye wayfarers of the caravan. Now I ask you to arrange yourselves by your extended families before the Volcano. Earlier today, you all cast your votes for the person whom you wish to be the caravansary’s initial President. Here beside me is a giant ballot box, which contains all your votes: it automatically tallied up the totals, and it shall print out a ticket with the name of a patriarch inscribed upon it, when I press this button labeled “Show Election Results.” I will then read off the name, and we will narrow down the choices until we are left with just one candidate: at that point, you will cheer for your country’s New Leader.”
And when Samuel pressed the button, the ticket said: “Benjamin Franklin.” So the tribe of Benjy was raised above the other competing groups on an elevated platform. Then Samuel pressed the button again, and the ticket said: “Kane-Nerd Branch.” So the people corresponding to Saul’s father Kane and his uncle Nerd were elevated even higher before the populace. Whereupon Samuel pressed the button a third time, and the ticket said “Tall Son of Kane.” But when they sought Saul, he could not be found. Therefore Samuel and his fellow election judges inquired of the Volcano, who was there with them still, and the Volcano answered: “Behold, Saul has hid himself among the stuff.”
So they ran and fetched him thence: and when he was brought back to the people, lo, he was a full head higher than anyone there. Especially when positioned upon the elevated platform, he looked magnificent: self-evidently presidential.
Then Samuel announced to all the caravan: “Feast your eyes upon him whom Democracy has chosen. Can ye honestly say that there is anyone like Saul among the populace? What a superb Political Animal; what a born leader!” And all the people shouted, and said as one: “We love you, Mister President.”
Then Samuel explained to the population the manner of the government, and wrote it in a book; earlier he and a select group of moguls had drafted a constitution and ratified it in private; now they laid these documents up before the Volcano.
At last, Samuel dismissed the caravansary to their respective tabernacles. And Saul also went home to occupy the presidential residency known as the Black House, which was located in Sweet Beulah Land, an unincorporated community in King and Queen County, Virginia, just outside the pearly gates of the Heaven of X. He was followed there by the band of opportunists who ran his campaign.
But, within the upper echelon of the elites, there was a faction of naysayers who complained one to another: “How shall this man save the country?” And they despised Saul, and brought him no inducements. But Saul held his peace.
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