David against the people; the end of Saul

(Cont.)

Now David was still employed by the Creditor Class. His boss Belial, on behalf of their overlords, had sent David and his disciples back to the Seven Churches of Ziklag, because the moguls among their armed forces did not trust David to fight against his native land. Thus, David remained afraid that the creditors’ paramilitary groups would resume their earlier attempts to assassinate him: especially in light of his recent massacre of the brigands who burnt down Ziklag. Additionally, David was eager to prove his allegiance to his new masters. So, since they would not permit him to fight with the main divisions, David and his disciples went up and warred against various countries that he knew were on the creditors’ hit list. (As part of his orientation and training for the job, Belial had briefed David by showing him the famous Black Book of the Creditor Class, which contains their plans of world domination: that’s how David knew which countries to attack.)

So David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, the Gezrites, and the Amalekites, as well as all the descendants and offshoots of the Sumerians and the Akkadians: for those nations were, of old, the inhabitants of the land. Then they invaded the wilderness of Shur, and Israel, even unto all of Egypt.

And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel. Then he returned, and met with Belial.

And Belial said: “Where have you hacked out your slaughter-path today? And where have you caused rivers of blood to flow for our overlords?” And David answered and said: “Against the south of Judah, and through the Puritans, the Jesuits, and the Quakers.”

And David saved neither man nor woman alive, lest they should bring tidings to any international court, saying: “Thus did David, and so will be his manner all the while he is acting in service of the creditors.”

And Belial was impressed by David, and his faith in David increased; he said to the moguls and overlords of the Creditor Class: “Lo, David has made his people in the caravan utterly to abhor him, and he has alienated everyone but us creditors; therefore he shall be Mammon’s eternal servant.” And the ever-shifting power blobs of the cartel of transnational oppression accepted David; and the previous ban was lifted, so he was allowed to join them in battle against the caravan.

Chapter Last

Now the creditors attacked the caravan: and the wayfarers fled from before those armies of mercenaries, and they fell down slain upon the mountains of Graceland.

And the stormtroopers chased hard after President Saul and his cabinet; and the creditors slew Jonathan, as well as Inkblot and Mister-sippi, the sons of Saul.

Now the battle went sore against Saul, and a great fireball from a laser cannon hit him, and he was terribly wounded. So Saul said to the friar, his personal attendant: “O Lawrence, I’m on the brink of death and severely burnt; my body is wreathed in electrical shockwaves, and I am covered with molten rock. Please give me some hemlock to put me out of this agony. Then, afterwards, send a cock to Asclepius.” But his attendant dared not comply with this request, for fear of harming the LORD’s Anointed One. Therefore Saul reached out and snatched a vial from the friar’s bag of potions, and drank it off. And when his attendant saw that Saul had neither breath nor pulse, and that the president appeared like death, the friar did not bother to note that the label on the emptied vial said “Cordial for Juliet” (by the way, isn’t it curious that Ms. Capulet shares the same initials as both other famous cases of resurrection: Jesus Christ and Julius Caesar?) but on impulse he took a dram of poison for himself, and drained it likewise. Then the attendant fell on the battlefield next to Saul.

So President Saul’s three sons, along with his personal attendant, and all his interns, died that same day together.

And when the wayfarers of the caravan that were in the Valley of Exploding Earth, along with those that were on the other side of the Great Basin Rainforest, saw that their fellow pilgrims were retreating with the Sea People, they forsook their tents, and fled; and the forces of the creditors came and occupied their tabernacles.

Then it came to pass on the morrow, when the stormtroopers arrived to loot the slain, that they found the president and his three sons fallen in Graceland. And they cut off Saul’s head, and stripped his presidential attire; and they had these things circulated throughout the realms of the creditors’ Empire, to display them in all their churches.

Saul’s iconic suit ultimately ended up at St. Paul’s Cathedral in London; they fastened his body to the wall of Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris; and his head was impaled upon St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City, where it remains to this day.