Chapter 1
Now after the creditors massacred the caravan, David returned with his disciples unto the Seven Churches of Ziklag. He was unaware how all the fighting had turned out; all he knew is that there was bloody mayhem everywhere, and the wayfarers retreated with the Sea People. It’s hard to know the results of war, when you’re personally there within it: you simply drink the delights of battle, and either live to tell about it, or bite the dust in honor. Only afterwards do the newspaper owners tell you what to think about the tumult; what larger picture the fragmented details produced, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle: for, they say, all these individual crimes add up to one glorious Good Deed. And those who win the war are celebrated as heroes, while those who lose it are denounced as unthinkably evil.
Anyway, so David and his disciples were in Ziklag, washing the gore off their persons within the baptismal fonts, when the Archangel Michael came running into the church: he had just left the camp of Saul; and his robe was torn and soiled. The Archangel went directly to David, fell to the earth, and did obeisance.
David said to him: “Where do you come from?”
And the Archangel answered: “I just escaped from the caravansary’s encampment.”
And David said: “Well, what happened? Speak up.”
And the Archangel answered: “The wayfarers retreated from the battle, and many of the Sea People also are broken. And President Saul is dead. So are his sons.”
David gasped: “Jonathan, dead!? How do you know this? – And Yahweh’s Anointed? Are you sure?”
Then the Archangel said: “As I was going to and fro in the earth, and walking up and down in it, I came unto Graceland, where there was a great slaughter, and behold, President Saul was there on the ground, charred and electrified – he had been hit by a laser cannon’s fireball – and his assistant was dead beside him. And Saul had drunk some potion, which had made a deep sleep fall upon him, from which he awoke, for his spirit was yet within him: and he lifted his head and looked at me, and called unto me. And I answered: ‘Here am I.’ And he said unto me: ‘If you truly are my guardian seraph, then slay me now: for I am in anguish, yet my ghost will never yield.’ So, in pity (for I was sure that he could not live after being so devastated), I took my javelin and pierced his side: there came out blood and water; then he ceased to breathe. At last, I removed the presidential ring from off his hand, and have brought it here to you, O Christ my Lord.”
Then David tore his own hair, and roared and wept. And he said unto the Archangel that had told him this news: “How did you dare to dispatch Yahweh’s Anointed?” Now one of his disciples was standing near him, and David took the firearm from this disciple’s holster, and in the same swift movement pressed its barrel against the forehead of the Archangel, then pulled the trigger, so the messenger died. And David said unto his corpse: “Your blood be upon your own head; for your mouth has testified against you, saying, ‘I have slain the Volcano’s Anointed.’”
And David and his disciples mourned and fasted until even. And David lamented with a deep and lasting lamentation over Jonathan, Saul’s son.
§
Then David wrote a song, and he bade his disciples teach their children its lyrics, which were as follows:
The beauty of the caravan is slain upon thy high places: how are the mighty fallen!
Tell it not to the Abyss, publish it not on Mount Purgatory; lest the wrong band rejoice, lest the bad actors triumph.
Ye mountains of Graceland, let there be no dew, neither let there be rain, upon you, nor fields of offerings: for there the shield of the mighty is vilely cast away, the shield of Saul, as though he had not been anointed with oil.
From the blood of the slain, from the fat of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan turned not back, and the sword of Saul returned not empty.
Lovely and pleasant were Saul and Jonathan in their lives, and in their death they were not divided: they were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions.
Ye daughters of the caravan, weep over Saul, who clothed you in scarlet, with other delights, and who fastened ornaments of gold upon your apparel.
How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle! O Jonathan, you were slain at the height of your prime.
I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant have you been unto me: your love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.
How are the mighty fallen, and the weapons of war perished!
Chapter 2
Now it came to pass after this, that David enquired of the Volcano using the Urim on his ephod, and he asked: “Shall I leave these Seven Churches of Ziklag and move back into that lodge, which I built in the forest of the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles?” And the Urim answered: “Without a doubt.”
So David went back to his log cabin, and he brought his three wives also: Melanie the daughter of Saul, Phalti’s wife; Abigail from Chaos, the late Good Christian’s wife; and Applebee from the Valley of Exploding Earth. And David also brought his disciples, all six hundred threescore and six. And they dwelt at the base of Mount Purgatory, very close by.
And the members of the pro-David faction of the wayfarers came and anointed David the new president of the caravan of the Volcano.
And they informed David that the body of Saul had been buried by the residents of the Himalayan Mountains between the Land of Oz and Las Vegas. So David sent angels unto the inhabitants of the Himalayas, and said unto them: “Blessed be ye of the Volcano, for showing this kindness unto your former president: we thank you for burying him.” Howbeit the head of Saul remained atop St. Peter’s.
Thus did David attempt to butter up the Himalayanites, for those who dwelled in these mountains comprised the majority of the caravan’s pro-Saul faction, and David desired to win them over, so that there might be a smooth transition of power. And David told his angels to add the following message by way of a postscript to the above: “Now may the Volcano show kindness and truth unto you all: and I also will requite you for this excellent action, which you all have performed. Therefore now let your hearts be strengthened, and be ye valiant: for your master Saul is dead, and also the select committee of the caravan has anointed me president over them.”
However, Subnerd the son of Nerd, captain of Saul’s armed forces, took Eshbaal the Fire Lord, who was the son of ex-President Saul, and brought him over the Potomac river to Goddeface (the place where Jacob wrestled with the batlike man and earned his nickname Deity-Vanquisher), near God Camp, and made him president over Oz, and over the descendants of Kedemah, and over the Valley of Exploding Earth, and over the Dartmouthians who live between Rome and Florida in the Paris of the Mountains, and over the Fundamentalists that live in Benjamin Franklin Piazza, and over the family of Benoni Hadar himself, and over the entire caravansary.
(Ghostwriter’s note. This ceremony where Captain Subnerd anointed Saul’s son Eshbaal the Fire Lord as the new President is the first time this scripture has mentioned that the ex-Prez had an extra son who did not die with him in battle. All Saul’s other sons were slain by his side during the Creditor Wars, unless more turn up later in the text.)
Eshbaal the Fire Lord was forty years old when he began to govern over the caravan, and he served a half-term of two years.
But the pro-David faction of the caravan followed David. This consisted mostly of the house of Judas. And the time that David was president in the Chaos Buffer Zone over the house of Judas was seven years and six months. So, almost two full terms.
§
Now Captain Subnerd and the members of President Eshbaal the Fire Lord’s defense force went out from God Camp to the Hasty Pudding Clubhouse on Dunster Street, and they sat down by the swimming pool. Meanwhile, Joab the Godfather, who was the Top Thug of David’s filibusters, went out with his men to the same place and sat on the other side of the pool. And Subnerd said to Joab the Godfather: “Let our young thugs now arise, and play war games before us.” And Joab the Godfather said: “Let them arise.”
Then there arose and went into the pool a dozen young Fundamentalist thugs, which pertained to President Eshbaal the Fire Lord, and a dozen filibusters of President David. And they caught every one his fellow by the head with one hand, and with the other hand he thrust his blade in his fellow’s side; so they fell down together. For this reason, the place is named Helkath-hazzurim, which means “double suicide by disembowelment with swords, performed in a pool for the sake of amusing rival gangsters.” Behold, its location is the Hasty Pudding Clubhouse. It is an indoor pool.
§
Now, because this sporting event resulted in a draw, as every one of the players on each team died, the thugs in attendance were moody. Their mutually volatile temperaments soon led to a clash breaking out which was physical and militant. So there was a very sore battle that day; and the defense force of the caravan, fighting under the command of Captain Subnerd, was beaten by the filibusters of David, under his Top Thug Joab.
Also at the fight were present Joab the Godfather’s other brothers, Moe and Larry. Now Larry was as light in the loafers as a wild roebuck. Let me recount a memorable scene from the battle:
Larry pursued after Subnerd; and he turned neither right nor left, but ran straight after Subnerd. Then Subnerd looked behind him, and said: “Is that Larry? Are you chasing me?” And Larry said: “Yes, I am.” And Subnerd said to him: “Why don’t you turn aside to the right or the left, and go attack one of these other young thugs?” But Larry would not turn aside from following him. So Subnerd said again to Larry: “Please stop, otherwise I’ll be forced to strike you down. Then, how will I be able to face your brother Joab? I will always feel guilty.” Howbeit Larry refused to turn aside. Therefore, Captain Subnerd lifted his spear and jabbed it hindward at Larry, and the spear went into his belly and came out his back; and Larry fell down and died. And when all the other fighters came to the spot where Larry had fallen, they stopped, and stood still, and stared.
But Larry’s brother Moe and his other brother Joab the Godfather kept pursuing after Subnerd: and the sun went down when they came to a hill of ham sandwiches. This was located at the edge of the wilderness that borders Harvard Square. For the Fundamentalists of the caravan had prepared these snacks to restore their strength during the battle. So now both troops gathered together on top of this hill, and formed a single mass. And Captain Subnerd came and joined them, with Joab the Godfather and Moe following. And as they ate, Subnerd called out to Joab, who was on the opposite side of the congregation, and he said: “Shall we be at each other’s throats forever now? Is this going to turn into one of those endless feuds that lasts for multiple generations? I sure hope not, for I am already tired of fighting. Therefore, instead of being only a lunch break, I hope that this repast can mark the end of the battle.”
And Joab the Godfather answered and said: “I swear by God’s hooks, if you had only asked me earlier, we could have long past ended this pursuit.” Then Joab blew his whistle, signifying that the clash was over; and neither side fought any more that day.
Then Captain Subnerd said to Joab: “But I did speak earlier – I said: ‘Please stop,’ yet the chase continued.”
And the Godfather answered: “You spoke to Larry. I’m the leader; Larry’s dead.” Then he blew his whistle again.
§
Captain Subnerd and his defense forces walked all that night through the plain, and passed over the Great Basin Rainforest, and went through the gulch, and crossed the Potomac river to God Camp. And they camped on the lawn of the Black House, under Saul’s favorite pomegranate tree.
And Joab the Godfather left off chasing Subnerd: and when he had gathered all his young thugs together, there lacked of David’s filibusters nineteen men plus Larry. But the filibusters of David had slain of the caravan’s defense forces under Captain Subnerd more than three hundred pilgrims.
And they took up Larry, the brother of Moe and Joab, and buried him in the vault on the side of Mount Purgatory. And Joab the Godfather led the filibusters as they walked all night; then, at daybreak, they came to the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles; and they camped before the log cabin known as the Black Lodge, which David had built as a tree fort when he was hiding from Saul’s paramilitary troops, and which now served as his presidential headquarters, replacing the late Saul’s Black House.
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