Chapter 3
Now there was long war between the two major factions within the caravan: the pro-Saul partisans versus the pro-David partisans. The former desired the ex-president’s son, Eshbaal the Fire Lord, to be the new president, whereas the David Clan was obviously in favor of having a President David. And the pro-David faction waxed stronger and stronger, while partisans of the son of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.
And David himself begat offspring in the Black Lodge of the Buffer Zone. His firstborn was called Amnot, which name means “No incestuous rapist am I.” His mother was Applebee from the Valley of Exploding Earth. Then Abigail from Chaos, the late Good Christian’s wife, bore his second son Daniel Chileab, which means “My father is David, not Good Christian.”
And David’s third son was christened the same name twice, written in all capitals with a comma between and an exclamation point at the end: ABSALOM, ABSALOM! But, for short, he was usually called Absalom, just once, in lowercase, without punctuation. This name means “At peace with my father.” Absalom was born to David’s wife Medusa, the daughter of Tall Man King of the Giants.
[Ghostwriter’s note. This is the first time David’s wife Medusa has been mentioned in the present scripture. David met Medusa during his trip to the Land of the Giants, where he asked their Tall Man King for her hand in marriage; then they commingled (David and Medusa, not the Tall Man King) and produced the child ABSALOM, ABSALOM! And Medusa’s hair is made of snakes.]
David also had a few other wives that this scripture has not yet mentioned. Let me get them out of the way here. The three wives we know already are Melanie the daughter of Saul, Phalti’s wife; Abigail from Chaos, the late Good Christian’s wife; and Applebee from the Valley of Exploding Earth. Then David acquired a fourth wife in Medusa. After that, he married Hera, the wife of Zeus; he did this when he visited Mount Olympus, during one of his massacres on behalf of the Creditor Class. So that was Wife Number Five, for David. Wife Six was Madonna the American singer-songwriter, known as the Queen of Pop Music, whom David met at the Grammy Awards Show. And his seventh wife, to date, was Melanie’s heifer: Milchy the Cow. He met Milchy down on the farm.
These latter concubines mothered David’s next few children:
David’s fourth child, by Hera, was Lord Jah (meaning “Jah is Lord,”) named after the same Lord Jah, a frenemy of Zeus. This Lord Jah, the fourthborn’s namesake, was himself his own son: he was actually three persons in one. (Nobody knew how he pulled this off.)
And David’s fifth child was Bebop Shepherd Shooby Dooby by Madonna. That name means “Bouncy musical phrase that keepeth sheep.” She conceived and brought forth this son when she was a virgin. And she still is, to this day.
The sixth and last of the sons of David to enter the world at this time was brought forth by Milchy the Cow. The babe was a golden calf, whom they named Complacent Population, which means “God is here among us now, born this day in a manger.” Now, it might occur to the keen reader that the only wife of David not to produce a child yet was Melanie, to whom the heifer Milchy belonged. According to rabbinic tradition, this is because Milchy the Cow was not, in fact, David’s seventh wife, but rather David’s first wife Melanie sporting a bovine outfit: thus she was doubling as her own rival. Ancient commentaries argue that Melanie did this to entice David to conjoin with her, so that she could conceive and bear multitudes. If this is true, then her plan was successful, for Melanie-as-Milchy ended up calving a Complacent Population, which fire proved to be unalloyed.
§
Again, the situation within the caravansary, now that its President Saul had died, was that there were two major factions vying for power: the pro-David camp had anointed David as the new prez, while its rivals had anointed the ex-president’s son Eshbaal the Fire Lord. There was no election: both these guys were simply acting as president at the same time. Thus, there was a war between them.
And Captain Subnerd of the caravansary’s defense forces was a proponent of the Saul faction, so he fought on the side of President Eshbaal. However, Subnerd himself harbored aspirations to the presidency as well; so he thought the best way to legitimize his standing, in the eyes of the caravan, would be to reinforce his place in the family tree of ex-President Saul. For this reason, Captain Subnerd hopped into the sack with one of the late Saul’s wives, whose name was Sizzling Hot Stone Rizpah.
So, getting wind of this, President Eshbaal the Fire Lord said to Captain Subnerd: “Why did you bed my father’s concubine?” (Note: Eshbaal was Saul’s son, but apparently of another mother than Sizzling Hot Stone Rizpah. Eshbaal the Fire Lord’s mother is left unnamed in this scripture, because women are not important.)
At this accusation, Captain Subnerd was furious with Eshbaal the Fire Lord; and Subnerd answered him and said: “Am I a dog’s head, that you insult me thus, after I’ve done so much work to help your presidency? I’ve saved you time and again from being slain by David’s filibusters, and you repay me by charging me with this fault? Forget you: I’m done captaining your army. I’m changing my allegiance; I’m switching over to support President David now. Let your father Saul’s legacy be inherited by David instead of you, Eshbaal – or I should rather call you Eshbosheth, for you are no ‘Fire Lord’ but a ‘Flame of Shame.’ Yes, henceforth, let me work to establish the presidency of David over the entire caravansary: from the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles to the base of Mount Purgatory; and from the Empire State building in Las Vegas all the way to Roman Fountain Seven, which is our Area 51.”
President Eshbaal the Fire Lord was speechless, after hearing these words from Captain Subnerd: he felt fear in his heart.
Then Subnerd sent angels to David on his behalf, saying: “May the land belong to you, exclusively, Mister President. If you will now make a league with me, I will use my powers as Captain of the Caravan’s Defense Forces to corral the entire populace so that they ditch your opponent and support only you.”
Then President David sent back these angels of Subnerd with the following message: “What you say pleases me. I will make a league with you, but on one condition. Here is the thing that I require: When you come to meet me, to make our alliance official, bring along with you Saul’s daughter Melanie, my wife. For you know that Saul, in his anger at me, gave my wife Melanie to be the wife of Phalti, and now I want her back. Behold, I slew two hundred robotic stormtroopers and arranged their foreskins in a basket to pay for this bride. Yet now, among my seven wives, all that has been keeping our bed warm in place of Melanie is her bovine Milchy, on whom I have begotten a Complacent Population, which needs a loving human mother.”
So President Eshbaal the Fire Lord, still terrified of Captain Subnerd, permitted the latter to take his sister Melanie from her husband Phalti and return her to President David. So Subnerd led Melanie forth from her home, and her husband went along weeping behind her, until they reached the balcony of Mount Olivet. At this point, Captain Subnerd stopped and spun around and said to the blubbering Phalti: “Go back home.” And Phalti returned.
Then Subnerd had communication with the select committee of the caravan, saying: “Lords, you have invested a lot of time and money on forcing the population to accept David as president: Now is the time to spring into action! Move and shake; do what you do with your untold powers, and make this happen. For I’m on your side now, since Eshbaal angered me.” Then the captain went to speak in the ears of the Fundamentalists, as well; and he wheeled and dealed with them. And finally Subnerd approached the Black Lodge in the buffer zone of Chaos, to discuss with David himself everything that he had gleaned from the select committee’s oligarchs, as well as the concerns of the Fundamentalists.
So Captain Subnerd entered that log cabin in the forest, which David built to serve as his presidential headquarters, with twenty soldiers accompanying him. And President David made a feast for Captain Subnerd and his men. And Subnerd said to David: “Like I explained to you earlier, I will use all my sway as Captain of the Defense Forces to gather the caravansary in support of you, so that you may rule over all that your heart desires.”
President David could have deceived Subnerd and executed him there on the spot; for, until now, Subnerd was one of David’s prime adversaries, being the commander of the enemy army; but David trusted what Subnerd said, so he sent him away in peace.
§
Now, behold, around the time of Subnerd’s visit, the filibusters of David were coming back after ransacking towns, being led by their Top Thug Joab the Godfather, and they brought in with them a great spoil. They had heard rumors that Captain Subnerd was meeting with the president, and they expected that there would be some sort of ambush: for this visit seemed to them like a perfect opportunity for a hit. But when they arrived at the Black Lodge in the buffer zone, lo, Subnerd was not there with David, nor was his corpse on the floor: for David had sent him away in peace.
Seeing this, the filibusters who were the first to enter the lodge turned back and ran to tell Joab the Godfather, saying: “Subnerd the son of Nerd met with the president, but David just let him walk free.”
Then Joab the Godfather, Top Thug of the filibusters, came to the president and said: “What’s the idea? They tell me that Subnerd was here, and you met with him, but you simply let him leave, and now he’s gotten away? You know that Subnerd is the son of Nerd, Saul’s uncle, and he’s a spy: he came to trick you: it’s a trap! You just let him accomplish his mission of espionage. Real smart, Dave. Now I have cleanup work to do.”
Then Joab stormed out of the president’s office and sent a gang of angels after Subnerd, which caught up to him and delivered an urgent message, saying that the president desires the captain to meet with his Top Thug Joab at the Fountain of Rome. (Although the actual President David knew nothing of this.) So Captain Subnerd complied, and stood waiting for Joab the Godfather at Fountain Seven.
And when Joab arrived, he stopped at the entry gate, and saluted Captain Subnerd from afar, and dissembled as if his intentions were friendly; then he beckoned to the captain to come and join him in a secluded place nearby. And when Subnerd came following Joab, Joab lifted his spear and thrust it at Subnerd, so that the spear went into his belly and came out his back; and Captain Subnerd fell down and died. Thus did Joab avenge the death of his brother Larry.
Afterward, when President David heard about this, he declared: “I and my cabinet are guiltless before the Volcano forever, concerning the blood of Captain Subnerd: let his blood rest on the head of my Top Thug Joab; let there not fail every manner of bad luck to plague him and his house.”
So that is how Joab the Godfather and his brother Moe got revenge on Captain Subnerd, because the latter had slain their brother Larry outside the swimming pool at the Hasty Pudding Clubhouse.
But President David said to his Top Thug Joab, and to all the filibusters that were with him: “Dress yourselves in mourning attire, and be on your best behavior at the funeral service for Subnerd.” And the president himself followed the bier, as they buried Captain Subnerd on the lawn of the Black Lodge in the Chaos Buffer Zone. And President David lifted up his voice, and wept at the grave; and all his filibusters mourned.
Thus David lamented publicly over Subnerd, and he wrote a dirge for the captain, which he recited at the service outside the Black Lodge – here are its lyrics:
Why was Captain Subnerd disrespected?He was slain by hoodlums:He fell at the hands of ruffians,Street gangsters iced him.
And President David kept weeping and weeping.
And when all the members of his staff came to urge David to eat meat while it was yet day, David swore, saying: “Let the Volcano murder me as well, if I break my fast before the sun goes down.”
This display of grief helped the caravan’s people understand that President David did not assassinate Captain Subnerd. Additionally, the president addressed the multitudes, saying: “A prince and a great man was lost this day to the caravansary. Because of this, I am now made weak, even though I am the anointed leader of all wayfarers. And I tell you, those mobsters Joab and his brethren are too brutish for me. May the Volcano pay back evildoers with evil.”
No comments:
Post a Comment