Chapter 4
When President Eshbaal the Fire Lord, son of Saul, heard that Captain Subnerd was dead in the Chaos Buffer Zone, he trembled in fear, and the pro-Saul faction of the caravan was distressed.
Now, in President Eshbaal’s Defense Forces, there were two lieutenants who secretly disliked the Fire Lord and were strong partisans of the late Captain Subnerd: their names were Bambi and Rambo; the latter being a veteran of Vietnam’s Resistance War against the U.S.; and the former being a white-tailed fawn born in a thicket in late spring.
These lieutenants Bambi and Rambo traveled on foot to the presidential residence in Sweet Beulah Land. They arrived, in the heat of the day, on the front lawn of the Black House. Now President Eshbaal the Fire Lord was napping at his desk, in the Oblong Office. And when Bambi and Rambo approached the entryway, behold, the officers who were supposed to be guarding the front door were both wholly preoccupied, staring at their handheld personal-messaging devices, so they did not notice the pair of camouflaged visitors sneaking past them. Lieutenants Bambi and Rambo tiptoed into the midst of the house, until they came to the Oblong Office, where President Eshbaal lay dozing at his desk. Then Bambi and Rambo smote the Fire Lord: their spears entered his back and came out his belly, and he was pinned to the desk. And Eshbaal died. Then they decapitated him, and took his head, and ran off.
Bambi and Rambo brought the head of President Eshbaal unto David in his Black Lodge, and they said: “Behold the head of Eshbaal the son of Saul your enemy. The Volcano has avenged you this day, Mister President.”
Then David answered the lieutenants Bambi and Rambo, and said unto them: “As Yahweh lives, I will tell you what happened the last time someone brought me news of a similar nature. When I was stationed at the Seven Churches of Ziklag, a messenger came and announced: ‘Behold, Saul is dead.’ He thought that he was bringing me good tidings. Would you like to know how I responded? I took hold of him, and slew him. The scoundrel thought that I would give him a reward! OK, so, now, knowing that: What should I do when I hear that a couple of barbarians have slain and beheaded a righteous man in the Volcano’s Holy House? Shall I not therefore require you to balance his blood, and take your life away from the face of the planet?”
Then President David commanded his thugs, and they slew the two lieutenants, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool at the Black Lodge. But they took the head of Saul’s son Eshbaal the Fire Lord, and buried it in the same place with Captain Subnerd.
Chapter 5
Then came all the multitudes of the caravan to David at the Black Lodge, and they spoke to him with one voice, saying: “Behold, we believe that you and your gang belong to our family of humankind, despite the violence of your regime. Lo, in days past, when Saul was our president, you were the one who turned the caravan into a killing machine, with all your military campaigns; hence our song about you: ‘Saul governed hundreds / David conquered millions.’ And then, when you joined the creditors and formed your mob of filibusters, you even warred against us, your countryfolk, and you provoked the death of our leaders. Now Saul is dead, and his son Eshbaal is dead, and even our Defense Force’s Captain Subnerd is dead. We have no choice therefore but to accept you as our leader; and the select committee of the caravan advises us to anoint you officially and to make a league with you. For this reason we have come.”
Thus did all the wayfarers cast one unanimous vote with their voice to allow David to serve as the caravansary’s next president.
Then when the Creditor Class learned that they had made David the President of the Caravan, they all came to lobby David. And when David heard that they were coming, he took refuge in his stronghold. But the creditors went down into the network of channels that were created by the jinn who live underneath the earth, and they sought diligently for David.
Now President David enquired of the Volcano by way of his ephod’s Urim, saying: “Shall I go up and meet with the creditors? And, if I do so, will you help me to know what to say?” And the Urim displayed the answer: “As I see it, yes.”
So President David surfaced from his bunker and went to the place that was later renamed “Deal-Seal,” and David spoke with various moguls and heads of cartels. And they told him that he should extinguish the rest of the pro-Saul factions that remained within the caravan. And when David argued that he had just received a unanimous voice-vote from the plurality of the electorate, the creditors claimed that most of these “voters” were in their employ, and the event had been stage-managed by their own special agents, thus there was still much work to be done. And they presented David with images that they had captured of him in embarrassing positions: they had obtained these images by way of secret spying. The creditors said: “Either appease us, or we will ruin you with this kompromat.” So David agreed to seal their deal. That’s why he named the place “Deal-Seal.”
So the creditors relinquished possession of the shameful images to David’s team, who burned them up. And the creditors swore on Yahweh’s life that they held no copies of these images in safekeeping for future extortion.
Then President David prepared to go on a military mission, with his filibusters, through the list of towns that the creditors had provided him, which were the places where the pro-Saul factions were known to dwell. Yet before he set out on his warpath, David inquired of the Volcano via the ephod’s Urim again, and he said: “Shall I do as my creditor overlords have commanded, and slay every man, woman, and child in these towns where my political opponents dwell?” And the Urim answered: “My sources say no.” So David asked again, saying: “What if I abstain from slaying the pro-Saul remainder within the caravan, and instead simply encircle them with my filibusters, until those who are against me agree to support my regime: is that a good idea?” Yet the Urim turned up a neutral indication: “Cannot predict now.” So David tried one last question – he asked: “How about my gangs fetch a compass behind the opposers, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees; then, when we hear the sound of a squadron of succubae rustling in the leaves, we dash for cover and allow these spirits from the Volcano to convince the naysayers of their error, using a ‘carrot or stick’ technique?” And the Urim answered: “Yes.”
So President David implemented this plan, as the Volcano had instructed him; and those pro-Saul factions, which remained unsupportive of David’s leadership, were made to sign confessions of approval, in all the places where their adherents existed, from Beulah Land to Eldorado.
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