Transporting the Ark

Chapter 6

Again, President David gathered together the base of his supporters within the caravan, which was now thirty thousand strong, and he took the people, with the permission of the select committee, and led them up from his Black Lodge in the forest, on the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles, into the House of Gods (Beth-Elohim, A.K.A. Bethlehem) to bring up from thence the Volcano’s Ark of Remembrance, which has upon its lid the Liberty Statue: a golden image of Yahweh posing between two cherubims.

Now the ark was stored in the summer house of King Bryan. (After Bryan translocated to Jupiter, he bequeathed possession of this place to his manmade children, the robo-butlers and their mechanical offspring.) At the time of our tale, the house was occupied by Nicholas the robo-bellboy, who had also been caring for the ark. Nicholas was the son of the android named Man, who was himself the son of the robo-butler Satyajit, King Bryan’s artificial firstborn. Now, since Nicholas the robo-bellboy was infertile, he could not follow the tradition of employing his own offspring to serve as his assistant, so he adopted a human ephebe named Geppetto.

Now they brought the Ark of Remembrance out of its summer house, and set it upon a newly made cart; for they feared that if they employed any carriage that had been previously used, it would insult God, who would bring a curse down upon them. A pair of bulls were yoked unto the cart, which was driven by the robo-bellboy Nicholas, who remained in the back, while Geppetto his assistant stood at the front of the ark by the beasts.

And as they transported the ark, President David and the multitudes of the caravan played before Yahweh all manner of instruments made of fir wood, namely: harps, and psalteries, and timbrels, and lyres, and sistrums, and cornets, and cymbals.

Now they were heading to the presidential residence, the Black Lodge, on David’s estate; and before they reached the forest where that was located, they came to David’s fields, for he also owned a large farm. And when the cart with the ark on it drew near to the cattle barn, behold, two cows came out to listen to the music. And when these cows saw the bulls that were pulling the cart, they bolted towards them, for they happened to be in heat, and they spraggled and waggled before the bulls, to seduce the bulls. So the bulls mounted up on the cows, and they did mate.

Now recall that the robo-bellboy Nicolas was at the back of the cart, driving it, while his assistant Geppetto was up in front, next to the bulls. Thus, during the above affair, when the bulls mounted the cows, the ark of God tipped over and fell upon Geppetto, so that the statue of Yahweh landed with its mouth smashing down on the fellow’s nostrils, as if he were breathing the breath of life into Geppetto’s body; except the opposite was occurring: for Geppetto had been knocked unconscious and his respiration was obstructed by the golden god. And before anyone dared touch the image of Yahweh, to remove it from its fallen position (for they feared that they would be cursed if they mishandled the LORD), Geppetto suffocated to death.

Thankfully, a replica of the robo-butler Man happened to be there in the crowd (for his model was mass produced briefly as a franchise during his peak popularity, in the days following the wilderness wanderings; one or two of which copies still circulated among the caravan), and he safely righted the ark while ensuring that the cows both conceived Seeds of Promise. Unfortunately, however, he could do nothing to save Geppetto, whose nose was crushed flat.

Now this freak fatality displeased President David, and he was angry with Yahweh for face-bashing Geppetto: so he nicknamed the locale “Death Kiss.”

And David was afraid to allow them to move the ark any further, for he said: “If they bring the ark to my lodge, it will cause bad luck.” So the president would not remove the Ark of Remembrance from the cattle barn where the mishap had occurred.

So the ark of Yahweh remained parked there in the cattle barn for the next three months. And during that time, the Volcano blessed the barn and caused it to prosper: all its livestock enjoyed a charmed existence.

Then this was made known to President David, when his farmhands told him: “Yahweh has blessed the barn and all that is in it; we have never seen the cattle so delighted.”

Thus David went and pulled the Ark of Remembrance out from the barn and into his presidential residence, with a happy heart. And the way he did this was to travel very slowly: the bulls were yoked unto the ark’s cart again; howbeit, every six paces David would pause their progress, to prepare a feast of grilled oxen and fatlings. And President David danced before Yahweh with all his might; and David was wearing nothing but his ephod: so, when he whirled, everyone could plainly see beneath it. Thus the president and all his staff members brought up the Ark of Remembrance with shouting, and singing, and playing of instruments.

Now when the ark of Yahweh came near to David’s Black Lodge, his wife Melanie espied the proceedings from a window of the presidential residence, where she stood richly attired behind the blinds: and she looked and saw her husband David the president leaping and whirling before the ark; and his wife desired him with all her soul.

And they brought in the ark of Yahweh, and situated it within the pantheon of the caravan, amid the celestial assemblage. And President David continued the banquet, and he blessed the multitudes in the name of the Volcano. Then he distributed to every individual who was in attendance that day: a cake of bread, and a good piece of flesh, and a flagon of wine.

So the feast continued. Then, around midafternoon, Melanie the wife of David broke forth from the Black Lodge where she had been observing the festivities, for she could no longer restrain her passion. And the president blessed her, and she came over to embrace David; and she said: “How glorious was the caravansary’s president this day, who danced before the ark with such abandon!”

Then First Lady Melanie joined President David in the dance, and they whirled and exposed themselves that day in full view of the public, and they were not ashamed.

And Melanie said unto David: “Praise the Volcano for choosing my father to lead the caravan, and for selecting you, O David my heart, to succeed in the presidency.” And the populace applauded.

It was additionally reported, by the farmhands of the president’s estate, that on the evening of that very festive occasion, there was seen in the fields a woman who was thinly disguised as a bovine, lowing and frisking with a shaman wearing a long-horned voodoo-helm. This was thought to be the First Couple re-enacting what befell at the cattle barn. Rumors also attest that this has since become their annual ritual.