So now President David had eliminated all his enemies, and the factions of the populace that were against him had been successfully suppressed, thus the caravan was at peace.
Now Yahweh God returned to visit his wayfarers. He had been spending his time in the far east, interacting with his nations over there; and he had not come to check on the caravan personally since the days of Samuel the Seer.
President David greeted Yahweh when he appeared; David recognized him immediately, not only from the idol atop the ark but because the men had met at David’s initial anointing.
The god Yahweh entered the Black Lodge and spoke to David, saying: “It has been a long time. What have I missed?”
David acquainted the LORD with all the recent developments. He thanked Yahweh for giving him good luck as of late, for blessing his translocation of the ark, and for granting his administration a much-needed rest from civil turmoil. David’s only sin of omission, during this briefing, was his failure to disclose the pact that he had made with the creditors.
Then President David clapped his hands and exclaimed to Yahweh: “Ah! how could I be so thoughtless and inconsiderate: Look, I dwell in this lodge of cedar, but your abode is still a curtained room in a tent!” For he was referring to the Tabernacle of Potential.
But the Volcano said to the President: “Go on, keep busy with your pet projects or whatever it is that preoccupies you: I will bless your endeavors. Why should you build me a more permanent dwelling when I’m barely ever here? The tent is fine: a traveling house for a traveling man. I have not had a fixed abode since the days when I led the workforce out of the Ancient Egyptian Empire. I have always simply used the tabernacle. It has a furnace: that’s all I need. Plus, remember: I own a vortex.”
And when the Volcano voiced that final word, the marvel itself appeared within the room, flaming and billowing out black smoke. Its aperture opened, and Yahweh stepped in; then, before he left, the god made one last remark to the president, as if it were an afterthought, and he said:
“I will bless you with a son. He can build me a temple.”
Then the vortex blazed away.
Chapter 8
Since, after meeting with the president on the above occasion, Yahweh God did not come straight back to the caravan (apparently, he had returned to the far east), President David decided to start warring against the surrounding nations.
So it came to pass that David’s stormtroopers slaughtered the Sea People, in a campaign of genocide. Then he invaded and massacred the inhabitants of the wilderness.
David also destroyed all the Hamburger Restaurant Chains, and his thugs killed Ronald McDonald, the clown mascot of the United States, and they hacked to pieces Mayor McCheese.
David also purposely polluted the Mississippi Waterworks. And he signed the order to slay Huck Trismegistus.
And David crashed a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen: and David sliced the legs off all the horses in the area, and his filibusters broke four hundred wooden chairs.
And when the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men.
Then David put garrisons in every swimming pool; so, if you desired to swim, you had to swim around the garrisons.
And David took the shields of gold from the bedroom of Athena and brought them to Jerusalem.
Also from Duluth of Minnesota, where my mother’s mother lived, as well as from Poplar of Wisconsin, where my father’s father lived, David took exceeding much brass.
When a gigantic toy became king of the store that was selling it, David used his slingshot to launch vessels of silver, and vessels of gold, and vessels of copper right at the huge thing’s face. So this was reminiscent of his fight with Goliath; therefore President David dedicated all the blood that was shed in the store that day unto Yahweh; but he gave all the metals to Medusa.
And he had his army pour cauldrons of syrup over the Harvardites, and the Floridians, and the Antarcticans, and they poured syrup over all the buns of the Hamburger Restaurants, and on the wig of the clown Ronald, and on the king of Zobah. Also they poured it on the Mexican Restaurant Zanteego’s.
And David smote the valley of salt, so that it ejected eighteen thousand salt-men. And they flew through the air.
And he brought girls to Edom; throughout all Edom he let girls loose, and they ran all over Edom screaming and giggling. But the Sound God shielded David’s ears wherever he went.
And David attacked Israel; and David executed all its people.
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