David on the run

Chapter 21

Then David came to the God Hut on top of Mount Vesuvius, and he entered, and got the attention of the warden whose name was Chuck E. Priest, whom he asked to help him. But Chuck E. Priest was afraid at the meeting of David, and said unto him: “Why are you alone? If you are not an outlaw of the government, then shouldn’t an entourage be accompanying your travels? Why is no one else with you?”

And David answered: “The President has sent me on a special mission, which is Top Secret. Now therefore tell me the types of food you are able to offer me: what victuals have you prepared beforehand which you can serve in a takeout receptacle – do you have a menu? For I would like five orders of cheesy breadsticks, with extra dipping sauce.”

And Chuck E. Priest answered David, and said: “We have no common breadsticks here; there are only the sacred breadsticks, which are not for sale: they are only for our holy men who have kept away from women.”

And David said: “Are they cheesy?”

And Chuck E. Priest said: “The breadsticks are cheesy.”

Then David answered: “Great; I’ll take five. You need not worry about them being sacred; for, of a truth, women have been kept from me for about three days now. So my body is a purified vessel, therefore consecrated foodstuffs can go inside it, legally: it will not displease your deity.”

So Chuck E. Priest gave to David all the sacred cheesy breadsticks in the God Hut. And he packaged them in a carrying case; with extra marinara sauce, for dipping, and some creamy garlic sauce.”

Now a certain spy who was a secret agent hired by President Saul was lurking at the God Hut that day, doing undercover surveillance work, and his name was Sasquatch from Eden, the chiefest of the paramilitary thugs that were loyal to Saul.

Then, as he was preparing to leave, David turned and said unto Chuck E. Priest: “Sir, can I also trouble you to give me a spear or dagger? For I left my glittering sword and all my weapons in my other girdle, because the president’s mission required haste.”

And Chuck E. Priest said: “All I have in the display case is the light saber used by Goliath Starkiller on the day when you slew him. Behold, it is here in the holster of the ephod: if you will take that, take it: for there is no other deadly instrument here beyond that.” And David said: “Ah, that is uniquely dangerous; give it here. In fact, I’ll take the whole ephod – I could use its Urim and Thummim.”

Then David left the God Hut with his carry-out case and his ephod and laser sword. And since he was still afraid that Saul would discover his whereabouts, he fled further, and went far away; and he eventually came to Nosferatu the Admiral of the Abyss.

Now the lieutenants of Nosferatu said unto him: “Is not this David the President of the Caravan? Did they not sing one to another of him in dances, saying ‘Saul governs thousands; David conquers millions’?”

And Nosferatu laid up these words in his heart, and was sore in awe of David the President of the Caravan. And he changed his behavior before him, and showed heightened respect, as though David’s rank was above his own rank of Admiral. And Nosferatu hired artisans to install upon the door of David’s room, where he was staying in Nosferatu’s castle, a golden plaque, with the name of David etched upon it, along with a star (though not a ‘Star of David’: that symbol was a later invention and did not exist yet – what Nosferatu commissioned was rather like a Hollywood star), to signify that the room’s boarder is a celebrated individual.

Then said Nosferatu unto his lieutenants, “Lo, ye see the man is an elohim: wherefore shall we offer him the common fare? Let us therefore hire chefs to serve him exquisite cuisine. And let our castle’s regiment of barbers trim and groom and soften his beard.”