Saul’s manhunt for David

Chapter 22

In addition to staying in the dressing room of the castle of Nosferatu the Admiral of the Abyss, David also occasionally lodged in a vault called the Cave of Aladdin, wherein certain radiant prophets were sleeping, on the side of Mount Purgatory. Having multiple addresses helped to throw his pursuers off the scent; for the covert agents of Saul were still scouring the whole of the landscape, looking for David.

By now, all of David’s family from his father’s house had heard of his adventure, and they knew that he was on the run and in hiding; so they went down to the Abyss to visit him, and some stayed with him inside Aladdin’s Cave.

Now, every dweller within the Abyss, and all who lived in the regions surrounding Mount Purgatory, were downtrodden on account of the Creditor Class that had dominated those realms; and they learned that David was a man of high stature, and they thought him the caravan’s president. So they came in droves to meet him, and he befriended them all. David welcomed every person who was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented: they all gathered themselves unto him; and he became a captain over them: and there were with him about four hundred disciples.

And just as the lowly people of those lands were able to locate David, Saul’s intel agents who were hunting David also ended up finding him eventually; but what happened is that, instead of arresting David and hauling him back to Saul, each new agent who discovered him (this happened time and again) would fall under the spell of David’s charm: thus his would-be kidnappers would transfer their allegiance from Saul to David, and join the group of David’s disciples.

Also Michelangelo and his magdalene from Bethlehem, David’s parents, came out to see their son; and he brought them to the Infernal Council Chamber in Pandemonium, and asked that they be given a place to lodge; and David’s parents were given a suite of rooms in the hotel where all the diplomats usually stay.

Then David confronted the Urim on his ephod, and he asked: “Shall I abide in the vault of Mount Purgatory, in the Cave of Aladdin?” And the Urim answered: “Outlook not so good.” Then David asked the Urim: “So, if I abandon the Cave of Aladdin, should I then depart and build a tree fort in the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles?” And the Urim answered: “Reply hazy, try again.” So David asked again, and the Urim answered: “Signs point to yes.”

Therefore, David departed from the Cave of Aladdin, and went to the densely wooded buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles, where he built a fort out of trees.

Now President Saul was in Sweet Beulah Land, sitting under the pomegranate on the front lawn of the Black House, holding his javelin and surrounded by his cabinet, when he first heard the news that David had been discovered. And Saul asked how long it would be until David was brought before him; but the newsboys informed Saul that David was not currently being transferred, because all the secret agents who had been sent to seize him had defected to David’s side and joined the mass of his disciples.

Then Saul yelled at all the members of his staff and his cabinet who were there before him, saying: “Hear now, ye backstabbers and double-crossers! Will that son of Michelangelo give every one of you riches, and make all of you famous, and boost all your careers? What did he bribe you with, that you all have conspired against me? He must own the best lobbyists in Beulah Land, because not one of you showed me that my own firstborn made a league with that spawn of Michelangelo, and not one of you was concerned enough to tell me when this same son of mine stirred up all my secret agents and turned them against me: now they lie in wait to hasten my demise!”

Then Sasquatch from Eden, who was the director of Saul’s central intelligence agency, answered and said: “I saw that spawn of Michelangelo coming to the God Hut on top of Mount Vesuvius. He conspired at length with Chuck E. Priest, ephebe of Man the robo-butler. And he inquired of the Volcano for him, and offered him nourishment, and gave him the laser sword used by Goliath Starkiller.”

Then the president sent to call Chuck E. Priest, ephebe of Man the robo-butler, and all the novitiates of the God Hut on Vesuvius: and they all came and stood before President Saul.

And Saul said: “Hear now, you ephebes of that suspect android. Which one of you is Chuck E. Priest?”

And he answered: “Here I am, Mister President, Sir.”

And Saul said unto him: “Why have you colluded against me, you and that spawn of Michelangelo, insofar as you have given him the sacred bread, and a saber, and have inquired of God for him, that he should rise against me in a regime-change operation?”

Then Chuck E. Priest answered the president, saying: “But who is so faithful among all your staff as David? Lo, he is your son-in-law, and obeys your bidding, and is among the most honorable personages within the Black House. As for my enquiring of the Volcano for him, this was the first time I ever did that: please do not read any more into it – I acted in innocence. I knew nothing about any of this supposed plot to overthrow your government.”

But the president said: “Give it up, Chuck E. Priest; you shall surely die.” And, turning to his paramilitary agents who were standing there with him, the president said: “I command you to execute these greenhorns of the Volcano; for they are traitors who have taken the side of David; and they knew where he was hiding, yet they did not inform me.”

But the secret agents would not lift their arms to slay the Volcano’s novitiates.

So the president said to Sasquatch: “You do it. Execute them, now.” And Sasquatch from Eden, the director of the president’s intel agency, turned and slowly lurched over to the butlers-in-training who were gathered there that day, and slew all eighty-five of them. One by one, he broke each person’s neck with his hands.

Then Sasquatch went to the God Hut on top of Mount Vesuvius and smote all the people who resided thereabouts: both men and women, children and sucklings. He broke all their necks. And then he continued to the livestock and broke the necks of all the oxen, and asses, and sheep.

And Man the robo-butler, the mechanical son of Satyajit and artificial grandchild of King Bryan, who had been training all these novitiates at the God Hut, was the only one to escape. He fled after David. And the android Man showed David how President Saul had ordered all his novitiates slain, and how he had even executed the residents of the area surrounding the God Hut, including their livestock.

Then David said to the robo-butler Man: “I knew it that day, when I was ordering the breadsticks – Sasquatch from Eden was there. I said to myself: ‘I predict that he is the chief spy from Saul’s intel agency, and he will go back and inform the president that the God Hut has armed me and furnished me with this ephod.’ I feel terribly guilty now: for I have occasioned the death of all who lived on Mount Vesuvius. Abide now here by my side, O trusty butler, and have no fear: for he that seeks my life seeks your life; but with me you shall be safeguarded.”