Chapter 16
Now when David was a little past the summit of Olivet, behold, Ziba met him. Ziba was the former chief manservant from President Saul’s Black House, now a talent rep for Jonathan’s son, the superlative tap-dancer Meribaal. This Ziba came up to David with a drove of asses saddled. And the asses were laden with supplies: three hundred loaves of bread, two hundred bunches of rum-soaked raisins, two hundred baskets of summer fruits, and seven hundred skins of wine.
So the president said unto Ziba: “What are you doing with all this stuff?” And Ziba answered: “The asses are for the presidential personnel to ride on; and the bread and summer fruit are for your defense forces to eat; and the wine is for whoever feels faint in the wilderness to drink.”
Then the president said: “And where is your principal, that consummate dancer of tap?”
And Ziba answered: “Behold, Meribaal abides at Eldorado; for he believes that now the caravan will restore to him his rightful endowment, so that he will gain back the political power that was lost when his grandfather Saul was overthrown.”
And the president said to Ziba: “Then, behold, all that pertained unto Meribaal is now yours.”
And Ziba bowed low and answered: “I humbly thank you, Mister President.”
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Now when President David arrived at the balcony of Mount Olivet, look: there came out a man who was a strong partisan of Saul, and who had lately become a supporter of Absalom. This man’s name was Shock Jock, and he was cursing loudly as he approached David. And this Shock Jock began to cast stones at David, and at all the presidential staff and cabinet, while multitudes from the pro-Absalom faction accompanied this man, along with their burgeoning militia.
And thus said Shock Jock when he cursed: “Come out, come out, you violent thug, you servant of Belial! Yahweh has avenged upon you all the blood of the house of Saul, in whose stead you have reigned; and Yahweh has delivered the presidency into the hand of your son Absalom: and, behold, you are snared in your own mischief, for you are but a measly opportunist and a quisling, entangled with the creditors against the caravan.”
Then Moe, the brother of the late Larry and Joab the Godfather, said unto the president: “Why should this dead dog curse my elected representative, the leader of the free world? How dare he accuse us of being violent. I pray you, let me go over and cut off his head.”
But the president said: “Get thee behind me, Moe. What have I to do with you hooligan mobsters? Let the man ridicule me, for Yahweh has instructed him: ‘Ridicule David.’ Why then should we tell him to stop?” Then David turned and addressed all his filibusters who were behind Moe, saying: “Look, if my own son seeks to destroy me, then why should we expect less from this Saulite here? Leave him alone, and let him curse; for Yahweh has urged him to. It may be that the Volcano will review my case, and look on my suffering, and decide to requite me good for his cursing this day.”
Thus, as David and his staff members continued their trek onward, Shock Jock walked alongside them on the hill over against them, and cursed as he went, and threw stones, and cast dust.
Now when the president and all the staffers and thugs that accompanied him finally reached their destination, they fell to the earth, for they were completely exhausted.
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Meanwhile Absalom, and all the wayfarers of the caravan, arrived in Sweet Beulah Land; and Billy Graham came also among them.
And it came to pass, when Fred Rogers from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, David’s friend, appeared before Absalom, that Mister Rogers said unto Absalom: “God bless the president! Make Eldorado great again!”
Yet Absalom said unto Mister Rogers: “What is this newfound devotion of yours? Are you being sarcastic? I thought that you were a close friend of the ex-Prez; why aren’t you accompanying his regime, as they go hiding beyond the mountains?”
And Mister Rogers said unto Absalom: “No, no; but whoever the Volcano and his people choose to elect: he is the leader who earns my allegiance. Moreover, since David is my friend, why should I not support his son? Just as I ministered to your father, so will I serve in your presence.”
Then said Absalom to Mister Rogers: “Alright, Fred; you can join my team of advisors, then. You know everyone here; no introductions are necessary. We were just discussing what my next move should be. What say ye, O my cabinet of wise counselors?”
Then Billy Graham the televangelist piped up and said: “I strongly advise you, Mister President, to lie with your father’s concubines. David left a harem at the Black House when he vacated it – I say: go in there and have your way with them! When the whole caravan hears that you have dared to defy your father like this, your base will rejoice, and support for you will skyrocket.”
Therefore, Absalom corralled all the concubines of David, and brought them up onto the flat roof of the Black House, so that all the caravan could see. And there did Absalom fornicate under common knowledge with the presidential harem.
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