David vs. Absalom, cont.

Chapter 17

In those days, the counsel of Billy Graham was regarded as the oracle of God. He was the spiritual advisor to every president from Harry Truman onward; and he worked closely with Dwight D. Eisenhower to propagandize the populace, so that Billy Graham’s brand of Christianity became the official religion of the caravan.

Now, after persuading Absalom to commit a power-move against his father David by laying claim to the presidential concubines, Billy Graham spoke to Absalom as follows: “Let me now select twelve thousand combatants from our Defense Force, and I will go out and pursue after David this night; and I will ambush him while he is weary and dispirited, and I will terrify him: and all his supporters shall flee; and once the president is alone, I will slay him. Then I will enslave all his staffers and drag them back here unto you, and we shall seize power.”

This advice appealed to Absalom, and to the circle of intel agents who were with him. But, to make sure that his view was balanced, Absalom sought the opinion of Fred Rogers as well; so he called him over, and said: “Mister Rogers, the Reverend Billy Graham has spoken after this manner: Shall we follow his plan? If not, say why.”

And Mister Rogers said unto Absalom: “This time, the counsel that Reverend Graham has given is not good. For you know,” Mister Rogers continued, “that your father David and his filibusters are wild and unruly savages: they are like a starving grizzly bear who was robbed of her cubs. Moreover, your father is an expert warrior, thus he will not be caught lodging among his troops: rather, he will have secluded himself in some pit or covert place, where he shall remain watching and waiting; and the instant that there is an alarm sounded in his camp, saying: ‘There are hostile forces from Absalom herewithin!’ then he and his mercenaries shall spring up like ravaging lions, and tear to shreds everything in their path, so that the hearts of all intruders shall utterly melt. – You can see plainly that such a plan would be unwise to follow. Therefore, instead, I counsel you to gather the entire caravansary together, from the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest unto Roman Fountain Seven: round up all the wayfarers who live in every domain, as the sand of the seashore for multitude; and you yourself go among them, and march into battle. Then we shall descend upon him wherever he is found, and our multitudes will be as thick as a skyful of locusts that blot out the sun: and of David and the men that are with him, not one shall survive. And if he tries to retreat into a nearby city, then all the caravan shall bring ropes into that city, and drag it all the way to the sea, and plunge it under, and drown it.”

Now Absalom and all his intel officers agreed, and they admitted to each other: “The counsel of Mister Rogers is superior to the counsel of Billy Graham.” For Yahweh had decided to defeat the advice of Reverend Graham, because he found the man distasteful.

Then said Mister Rogers unto the robotic ark-bearers, Nicholas the bellboy and Man the butler: “Thus and thus did the Reverend Billy Graham counsel Absalom and his inner circle of agents; and thus and thus have I counter-counselled. Therefore, send quickly, and tell President David, saying ‘Lodge not this night in the plains of the wilderness, but speedily pass over; lest you and your staff be swallowed up.’”

Now Racecar Rob was stationed by the Fountain of Elroy (the place where Abram’s Egyptian wife Hagar rechristened Yahweh for blessing her over her mistress Sarah); this adopted son of the robo-bellboy was attempting to keep aloof and act incognito, so that he could come and go from the city without attracting attention. And a wench who was serving as barmaid to the ark-bearers came and relayed to him all the info that Mister Rogers had given the androids; so Racecar Rob then ran to tell President David.

But a little boy who was playing in the street saw Racecar Rob dash past, and this little boy then told Absalom what he had seen. So Absalom sent goons to chase after Racecar Rob.

Now Racecar Rob, as was explained earlier, was a cyborg whose nonhuman half was a hot-rodded prewar British Rover 10. And he was dashing very rapidly down the street, heading for President David, with the intention of passing on to him the top-secret info that Mister Rogers had spied out from Absalom’s junta. However, while Racecar Rob was cruising along, he began to feel as though some goons might be chasing him; therefore, he made a pitstop at the house of the man who lives under the balcony of Mount Olivet. And this man had an underground parking garage on his property, which Racecar Rob was invited to drive into; and, once he did, then the entryway to the garage closed shut, and it was camouflaged with jungle vines and ferns so that it blended into the environment at the base of Mount Olivet. And just to make the hidden garage extra stealthy, the homeowner’s wife came out to the gates of the threshold of the underground lot and spread ground corn thereabouts, thus making the ingress impossible to discover.

Then Absalom’s goons came up to the woman, as she was in the act of putting the final touches on the secret passageway, and they said: “Where is Racecar Rob; for we were right on his tail, yet we lost him hereabouts – did you see what happened?” The woman answered: “Racecar Rob went flashing by like a flame, straight over the brook of water and beyond the infinite.”

Then the goons of Absalom looked around the property for a while; but they could not find their man, so they returned to Eldorado.

And it came to pass, after the goons had left, that Racecar Rob drove up out of the subterranean lot, and sped forth and told President David all that he had learned from Mister Rogers. He said: “Arise, O President, and pass quickly from here to there: for thus has the Reverend Billy Graham counselled against you.”

Then David arose, and all his staffers and filibusters that were with him, and they spent the whole night traversing the Great Basin Rainforest. By the time the sun rose the following morning, no member of David’s group had not crossed over.

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Now when the Reverend Televangelist Billy Graham saw that his counsel was not followed, he returned to his hometown, and put his affairs in order, and hanged himself, and was buried in his ancestral tomb.

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Then David came over the Potomac River to Goddeface (the place where Jacob wrestled with the batlike man). And Absalom with his entourage passed over the Great Basin Rainforest.

Also, at this point, Absalom replaced the captain of the caravan’s Defense Force with a man of his own choosing. So David’s Top Thug Joab the Godfather was ousted from that position, and a man named Amerigo was established in his stead. Thus, this latter fellow’s title was now Captain Amerigo.

So the populace of the caravansary with their new President Absalom pitched their tabernacles in the wonderful Land of Oz.

And it came to pass, when David was come to God Camp (the place where Jacob met all the gods) that the three gods that comprise Billy Graham’s Trinity came to meet him: the god Shinobi, the god McGruff, and the god Zilla. And these three wise gods brought David gifts, to welcome him into the world, even though he had lived here for more than forty years already: They offered him beds with huge canopies, and basins for baptizing, and flour, and parched corn, and beans, and roasted lentils, and toasted pulse, and honey, and sheep, and no end of Stilton cheese.

“The bed is for people to rest upon,” the gods explained; “and the other stuff is for people to eat – except for the basin: that is for baptizing.”

So David thanked these three gods heartily, and said: “Your gifts to us are appreciated, for my gang is hungry and weary after traveling through the wilderness.”

Then President David and the Trinity bowed to each other.