The sad end of David’s thirdborn

Chapter 18

Now this Trinity that President David met at God Camp advised him to take a census of his shock troops and then split them into three equal subdivisions. This, they said, would help him to withstand President Absalom. So David numbered the filibusters that were with him, and set captains over a trio of companies: each having exactly two hundred twenty-two servicemen. And David sent forward one of these thirds of his forces under the hand of his Top Thug Joab; and the second third under the hand of Moe, the Godfather’s brother; and the third third under the hand of Ittai the Gittite, whom you will recall was an obese and sluggardly witted hitman.

And David said unto his troika of death squads: “I will storm forth, right along with you, into the slaughter.” But his thugs all answered: “No, you shall not come with us. For, if we get hacked to pieces, nobody cares; but you, Mister President, are worth ten thousand of us: therefore, it is better that you stay back and support us from a distance.” And David answered: “As you like.”

So the president stood beside the entry gate of the city’s garden, as all his filibusters marched forth in their subdivisions, trampling the flowers as they went.

Now the president lifted his voice and shouted a command to Joab and Moe and Ittai, saying: “Be gentle with our enemy Absalom; keep in mind that he is my son.”

And all the shock troops heard when President David gave his three captains this charge concerning his beloved Absalom.

So David’s armies went out into the battlefield against the caravansary. And the fighting was scheduled to occur on the site called Goddeface, which, as mentioned earlier, is the location just beyond the Potomac River where Jacob boxed with and knocked out his deity, thus winning himself a gold Champion Belt engraved with his new title: “Israel, god of gods.”

Over time, this realm of Goddeface had grown into a thick, dense jungle bursting with all manner of plantlike obscenity: it was filled with matted vines, stems with spikes, gnarly tree branches, sticky leaves, and strange flowers that ooze toxins. Also, there were many other deadly growths. So it was a dangerous place to do war.

All the wayfarers of the caravan enlisted to fight in support of Absalom. They came into this jungle and clashed with the filibusters of David. And David’s thugs performed a great slaughter upon the caravan: they slew twenty thousand pilgrims in just the first hour. Meanwhile, David’s forces suffered no losses themselves.

The battle was scattered over the face of all that realm; and it proved a truly hellish place: on this occasion, the jungle devoured more people than the sword.

Now Absalom had entered the fray in person. And, he was riding his mule through the jungle. Then a pair of David’s mercenaries espied him from where they were positioned. But before the mercenaries had a chance to attack the man, they watched as his mule went under the tangled boughs of a great oak, and Absalom’s head got caught within the branches (for he had abundant, beautiful hair): thus, he was left hanging suspended between heaven and earth, while his mule continued trotting forward without him.

Having witness this, the mercenaries exchanged a glance and then ran to tell Captain Joab; and they said: “Behold, we saw Absalom in an oak – his gorgeous mane had gotten caught up in its branches, and he was just dangling helplessly!”

Then Joab the Godfather answered these men, saying: “Wait; you saw him, but you just left him hanging there? Why did you not kill him to the ground! I would have rewarded you with ten silver caesars and a stylish new girdle.”

But the soldiers said to Joab: “O Godfather, even if we should receive ten thousand silver caesars, and ever so many girdles, yet would we not put forth our sword against the president’s son: for in our hearing the president charged all three of you captains, saying: ‘Beware that none touch the young man Absalom.’ So, by slaying him, we would have only been slaying ourselves: for no act is hid from the president, and he would surely then have ordered our execution.”

Now said Joab the Godfather: “I can no longer tarry here with you two, gossiping like ladies in the marketplace.”

Then Joab took three darts in his hand, and, with a single cast, launched them all at the hanging Absalom, while he was yet alive in the midst of the oak, whereupon all three pierced straight into the young man’s heart. Then Joab said: “Bullseye.”

Now, as Absalom was dead, Captain Joab blew his war trump, and the filibusters of David returned from pursuing after the caravan.

Then Joab the Godfather took down Absalom’s corpse: he used his sword to chop off all its lovely hair, and he wove these heavy tresses into a wig. Then he commanded his armorbearers to position a tall stone over the body of Absalom. And they set this enormous pillar on top of his skull, so that it crushed it, and marked the place of his remains, there in the jungle. Joab then set the wig, which he had made from Absalom’s mane, on top of the stone, and secured it there: and its beautiful locks were abundantly flowing. And because it was well known that Absalom had no son to keep his name in remembrance, Joab made his men etch an inscription onto the face of the tall stone pillar, that read as follows:

The Hairy One’s only begotten son. Cursed is every man that hangs on a tree.

[Galatians 3:13]

Then said Racecar Rob, the cyborg: “Let me now run, and bear the president tidings, how Yahweh has avenged him of his enemies.”

But Joab the Godfather said unto him: “You shall not bear tidings this day. Maybe another day. Today is a bad day to bear tidings, because the president’s son is dead.”

Then, turning his back to Racecar Rob, Joab the Godfather addressed the following words to Coochee, his personal angel whom Joab employed to send instant messages: “Coochee, my dearest, go tell the president all that you have seen here today.” And the swift-footed Choochee bowed herself to Joab, then dashed off.

Now Captain Joab yelled to Coochee, as she was hastening toward the horizon, and he said: “One more thing, O Coochee dear. When you meet the president, say these words exactly: ‘Marvelous tidings, my lord, Mister President, for lo, your Lord Yahweh has avenged you this day of all them that rose up against you.’ Commit those words to memory, Cooch, dearest.”

And Coochee answered in the affirmative from afar.

Then, when his instant messenger Coochee had almost disappeared beyond the vanishing point, Captain Joab shouted a further instruction, saying: “Coochee, listen – one last thing. If the president asks you directly whether his beloved son Absalom is safe, then answer as follows: ‘May all the enemies of my majesty the president, and anyone who ever rises against the president to do the president hurt, end up as that young man Absalom is: STONE DEAD.’ Get those words by heart as well, Hoochee-coo.”

Now, once the angelic instant-messenger had vanished from their sight, Racecar Rob the hot-rodded British Rover addressed Captain Joab yet again, saying: “But howsoever, let me, I pray you, also run after Coochee.”

And Joab said: “Why should you run, my boy, seeing that you have no tidings to tell today?”

And Racecar Rob answered: “I would really like to run, too. Please let me run.”

And Joab said to him: “Fine, then. Run.”

So Racecar Rob ran really, really fast, all the way over the plain, and he overran Coochee.

Now President David was leaning against the wooden gate of the flower garden at the entryway to the city. And the man whom David had employed to listen for him up in the listen-tower (a listen-tower is a watchtower for listening), perked up his ears, and gasped, and reported to the president: “I hear the sound of one man running. It seems cyborgish, having the noise of a diesel heart-valve.”

And President David answered his listen-man, saying: “If this cyborg that you say you hear approaching is truly alone, and no other angels are coming after him, then there are likely tidings in his mouth.”

And, as that runner hastened nearer, the president’s listen-man in the tower heard yet another runner coming: and he shouted: “Somebody tell the porter to report to the president—”

But the president interrupted: “I can hear you just fine; there’s no need to inform the porter.”

Then the listen-man apologized and continued with his new report, saying: “I just heard the sound of one man running after the first. This second man had the noise of a woman. Nay, but why would a woman chase after a man? (Men are ugly; women are pretty: therefore, only men should chase women.) Ah, I understand now: it’s the sound of an angel in hot pursuit of a British Rover 10.”

And the president answered: “She also brings tidings.”

Now when the first runner reached President David and stopped before him and bowed low, the fellow in the listen-tower exclaimed: “I know that noise! That’s the sound of Racecar Rob.” And the president answered: “You are correct. Here’s the adopted son of our mosque’s famous robo-bellboy Nicholas. He is a good cyborg; he surely bears good tidings.”

And, after laboring back up from the bowing position, Racecar Rob made his announcement, saying: “Greetings, Mister President. All is well. Blessed be your god Yahweh, who has defeated the traitors that lifted up their swords against the caravan’s true president.”

Then David asked: “Is the young man Absalom safe?”

And Racecar Rob revved his larynx and answered: “When Captain Joab sent me to deliver my tidings, Mister President, there was a large crowd gathering and a great tumult; something important seemed to have just happened, but I knew not what it was.”

And President David said: “That’s very helpful, Racecar Rob, I thank you. Now, turn aside, and stand over here.” And he turned aside, and stood still.

Then, behold, Coochee arrived – Joab’s angel of instant messaging – and Coochee announced: “Excellent tidings, Mister President, my Lord; for Yahweh the Volcano has wrought vengeance on all them that rose up against you.”

And President David said unto Coochee: “Is the young man Absalom safe?”

Then Coochee said: “May your enemies, Mister President, and all that rise against you to do you hurt, be as that young man is.”

When he heard this, the president was devastated. He went up to his chamber over by the gate and wept. And as he went, thus he said: “My son Absalom, my son, my son, my son Absalom, would to God I had died for you Absalom, my son, my son!”