In the aftermath of Absalom

Chapter 19

Now Coochee the angelic errand runner of Captain Joab returned and said: “Behold, the president weeps and mourns for Absalom.”

Thus, that day, which should have been a celebration of victory, was turned into a day of mourning among David’s people, despite his forces having utterly vanquished their opponents: for the populace heard it reported that the president was grieved for his son.

And all the thugs, mercenaries, and filibusters of David’s shock troops, who had fought hard and won, slunk into the city as if they were ashamed.

But the president covered his face, and he kept crying with a loud voice: “O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!”

Then Joab the Godfather came before the president, and said: “Today you have humiliated all these valiant soldiers that saved your life, and all the noble fighters that saved the lives or your wives and your concubines, by showing that you love your enemies and hate your friends! You have made it clear that your supporters and officers mean nothing to you, and that you would have been happier if Absalom had lived while all the rest of us died. Now you better get up and deliver a pretty speech to pacify your followers, for I swear by the Volcano that if you don’t charm them back, not a single one will remain with you after tonight: and that will be worse for you than all the evil that befell you since your birth.”

Then the president arose and stood behind the podium at the entry gate. And the multitudes were alerted: “Behold, the president shall address the nation!” So all his shock troops came out and gathered before President David.

But all the wayfarers of the caravan had retreated to their tabernacles; and the populace was arguing one with another, saying “The president protected us from certain dangers, though he was wishy-washy when it came to the Sea People, then he joined with Belial against us in an act of treachery, but he seems to have cut his ties with that class of enemies (however, can one ever truly quit working for the creditors?), and most recently he had to flee the country because of Absalom, whom we anointed president over us. But now President Absalom is dead in battle; therefore, why should we hesitate to invite our ex-president David to return?”

And President David transmitted a message to the robo-bellboy Nicholas and to Man the robo-butler, saying: “Speak to the holdouts within the caravansary, and alert my previous supporters who have abandoned me in anger – tell them: ‘Why are you the last to come out and welcome the president back to the Black House? You are my brethren, my own flesh and blood: why are you slower than all the rest to accept me?’ Also address Captain Amerigo, saying: ‘Don’t you share my bones and flesh as well? May Yahweh sic all manner of evil upon me, if I do not make you my Defense Forces’ permanent commander in place of Joab.’”

Thus David softened the heart of Captain Amerigo, who in turn softened the hearts of David’s detractors, until the resistance faction of the caravan reached a consensus to forgive the ex-president; and they sent word to David, saying: “Return with all your diehards, and rule over us. Reinstate your regime.”

So the president returned, and came to the Great Basin Rainforest. And all those of his former supporters and acquaintances who had not followed David into exile but remained in Eldorado came out to the Hanging Pond to meet the reinstalled president, and to conduct him through the jungle.

And the angry partisan whom David had met at the balcony of Mount Olivet, the pro-Saul fanatic who had become a fierce advocate of Absalom, the man named Shock Jock, who cursed at David and threw stones at him, now hasted to come greet the president along with the others, and he brought with him a thousand men from his faction. Also with them was Ziba, the former chief manservant from Saul’s Black House, who now was a talent rep for Jonathan’s son; he came out, along with a group of courtiers, to the Great Basin before the president. All these people gathered in a ferry boat and sped fast over the Hanging Pond to meet President David, to see if there was anything they might do to please him. And Shock Jock fell down before the president, as David was traversing the Great Basin, and Shock Jock said: “Let not my lord the president impute iniquity to me, neither remember all the perverse things that I said on that day when you were leaving Eldorado. Don’t take any of those insults to heart. I now see that I acted sinfully: that’s why I came rushing out here today, to be the first to welcome home my lord the president.”

But Captain Moe, the brother of Larry and Joab the Godfather, David’s Top Thug, answered and said: “Shall not this Shock Jock be put to death for cursing Yahweh’s anointed? Plus he threw stones at us, and kicked up dust at us.”

And David said: “Get thee behind me, Moe. What have I to do with you gangster psychos? Should any of my countrymen be put to death today? Don’t you know that I am now the president of the caravan?”

Then David turned to Shock Jock and said: “You shall not die.” And he gave him his oath.

Now Jonathan’s son Meribaal came up to meet the president. And, as a sign of deep sorrow, he had neither shaved his facial hair nor groomed himself nor laundered his clothing since the day that David had left; so he wore a long, shaggy beard, and his locks were unruly, and his suit was rumpled: the opposite of what one would expect of a professional entertainer like Meribaal, who was a world-class tap-dancer. And President David said to him: “Why did you not accompany me out to the wilderness, when I left Eldorado, Meribaal?”

And he answered: “O President David, my talent agent Ziba deceived me! Lo, I said to him ‘Ziba, pull me now in the rickshaw, that I may join the true President David in his exile;’ for it was imperative that I not wear out my tap shoes by walking in them. But Ziba refused to take me to you; and then he slandered me when he told you whatever he said about me on that day. However, I trust in your excellent judgment, O President David: for you are like an angel of God, because you understand everything there is to know about good and evil. Do therefore to me whatever seems fair in your eyes. For all the members of my family, being descendants of President Saul, deserved death when you first came to power, nevertheless you showed me grace, and you set me at your table with your chiefs of staff, and allowed me to dine daily at the presidential residence, all on account of your vows to Jonathan, my father, whom you loved. Seeing as you’ve already done me so many favors, how can I ask of you anything more for me? Why am I crying? I await your verdict. Please forgive me.”

And the president answered Meribaal, saying: “Speak no more to me about these matters; I have decided already: You and Ziba shall divide the land between you, and split the property.”

Then Meribaal said unto the president: “Actually, I now am moved to say: Let Ziba take it all; he can have everything. I’m just glad that my hero the president has come home safe, and that we shall now have a real man in the Black House.”

And even the god Zilla, that colossal reptile that lives in the ocean (who is also the third person in Billy Graham’s Trinity), came down to the Great Basin with the president, to cheer him as he prepared to trek through the rainforest. Now this god Zilla was a very aged fellow, even eighty years old: and he had provided the president with trays of treats when David was camping beyond the Potomac, for he was an expert pastry chef.

And President David said unto the god Zilla: “Come and accompany me through the jungle, and afterwards we will dine together: I will eat snacks out of your hand when we get to my side of Eldorado.”

And the colossal reptile said unto the president: “How long have I to live, that I should go trudging through the rainforest with the president to his residence? I turned eighty years old, this day – I’m an ancient dinosaur, I tell you! I’m growing senile; I can barely taste what I eat and drink; and I cannot any longer perceive with full clarity the sound of men and women singing: their voices sound muffled to me, because my hearing is deteriorating. Yes, I’m an elderly lizard; why should I then be a burden unto you, O Mister President? I could make it just a tiny way into the jungle with you, before I would start to feel tired and need to rest my limbs. So why should you offer to bring me along with you? I pray, let me turn back again, so that I may die in mine own city, deep underwater, and be buried by the grave of my father and mother. But behold, I have an acquaintance I’d like you to meet: he can go along with you. This here is my friend Kingsley Chimp-Ham: he’s an outsize donkey from the Congo (the “chimp” and “ham” in his name are because Holy Science originally assumed that he was a primate-pig hybrid; but now we know that he’s just a big ass: no joke); he also goes by the nickname Kaiser Cong. Take him with you, and do to him what shall seem right unto you.”

Then President David answered the god Zilla, saying: “Kingsley Chimp-Ham shall come with me through the jungle, and I will treat him as you see fit. Anything you want me to do for the lad, I will do, for your sake.”

So all the shock troops passed through the rainforest. And when the president was ready to begin his jungle trek, David leaned over and kissed the god Zilla, and blessed him; and the colossal reptile waded back down into the ocean. Then the president journeyed onward to the Hanging Pond, and Kingsley Chimp-Ham went with him; and the odd couple were accompanied in part by David’s filibusters and also by a subdivision of forces from the caravansary.