Chapter 20
And David came to the Black House in Sweet Beulah Land; and he rounded up the ten concubines that he had left to keep the place, and he put them in ward, and fed them, but he never dared to sleep with them again; for he could not forget what his own son had done, when Absalom took the whole group of women atop the roof and mated with all of them in the eyes of the entire nation. For this reason, David closed his harem, and he shut up the concubines for the rest of their lives, and pretended that they did not exist: therefore, they persisted in a living widowhood, until the day of their death. President David was afraid even to speak to the women, lest they tell him: “Your son Absalom copulates better than you do, Sir.”
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Now, right after David had returned to Eldorado and resumed his presidential duties, the blare of a war trumpet sounded upon the air: it turned out to have been blown by Ben-sheba, the brother of Bath-sheba (David’s seventh wife). Ben-sheba yelled at the top of his lungs, so that the whole caravan could hear him, saying: “We have no part in David, neither have we inheritance in any accomplice of the creditors. Liberty or death, all ye wayfarers: return to your tabernacles!”
So all the pilgrims of the caravan abandoned David and joined the side of Ben-sheba, but the mercenaries and filibusters clave to the ex-president, from the Great Basin to Eldorado.
Then said President David to Captain Amerigo: “Assemble any troops that are left, which did not defect, and meet me back here within three days.”
So Captain Amerigo went off: but he tarried longer than the set time that had been appointed. Thus David said to Moe, the brother of Larry: “Now I fear that this Ben-sheba, my brother-in-law, will end up doing us more harm than did my own son Absalom. Take therefore a gang of our supporters and pursue him, lest he hide in some fenced cities and evade us.”
And Joab the Godfather, with all his paramilitaries, mercenaries and filibusters, followed behind Moe and his thugs, as they went forth. They left Sweet Beulah Land, to seek out Ben-sheba.
When they came to the clubhouse on Dunster Street in Cambridge, they espied Captain Amerigo. Joab the Godfather, David’s Top Thug, called out a greeting to Amerigo, and stepped forth to speak with him. Now Joab was wearing his killing gear, whose cloak had a built-in dagger-sheath that was spring-loaded; and when Joab was walking, he furtively pressed the “eject” button on this device, and the dagger sprang out: Joab feigned that this was an error, and he said: “Oops,” as he caught the dagger in midair, and made as though he would replace it in the sheath, yet he kept it in his hand.
And, with good cheer, Joab said to Captain Amerigo: “Are you in health, my brother?” Then he took Amerigo by the beard as if he would kiss him. But Amerigo failed to heed the dagger that was still in Joab’s hand, for he assumed it had been re-sheathed: so Joab the Godfather thrust the blade into Captain Amerigo, and it went through his belly with such force that it came out his back. And Joab’s whole forearm was bloody because it plunged along with the dagger into Amerigo.
Captain Amerigo’s bowels poured out onto the ground, and he died. Joab did not need to strike him twice.
Then Joab and Moe his brother pursued after Ben-sheba, the current president of the caravan.
Now one of Joab’s thugs came and stood by the corpse of Captain Amerigo, and announced to all the bystanders: “Whoever favors Joab, and whoever is for President David, let him join the cause by following after the troops of Joab. You see his troops and the troops of Moe heading out right now: go and march alongside them: serve your country: be a patriot!”
But the cadaver of Amerigo was drenched in a pool of blood and oozing its innards out all over the road; so when the bystanders and passersby came near, they stopped and stared at the gory spectacle instead of joining Joab’s army and following the troops. Therefore, the thug who had yelled the above announcement decided it would be better to get Captain Amerigo off the road; so he lugged the corpse over into the ditch, and kicked some debris on top of it. Once this was done, and the grisly evidence was removed from their sight, all the bystanders and passersby went and followed Joab’s troops, and they joined his militia’s pursuit of Ben-sheba.
Now Ben-sheba, the new president, had gone all through the caravan amassing supporters; and he stopped in a certain city that had a great wall: it was a big, beautiful wall. Then Joab and Moe, the brothers of Larry, came and besieged Ben-sheba, and their thugs and all the people who had joined their cause came and stood in a trench outside this enormous wall, and they battered the wall, to break it down.
Then a clever woman cried out from behind the wall, within the city, saying: “Hear, hear! Will someone out there please tell Captain Joab that I wish to speak with him?”
And when Joab the Godfather was come near to the wall, the woman said: “Are you Captain Joab?” And he answered: “I am he.” Then she said to him: “Hear my words, will you? Or are you going to cut me off with violence before I have a chance to speak?” And Joab answered: “Go on, I’m listening.”
Then she spoke, saying: “I am one of the many wayfarers within the caravan who is peaceable and faithful. Now, you are seeking to destroy a lovely place, which is a mother city in Eldorado. Why do you desire to swallow up the inheritance of the Volcano?”
And Joab answered and said: “Au contraire! far be it from me, that I should swallow up or destroy. No, no: Not at all! But a certain horrible gangbanger who is a thug and a mob boss has lifted his hand against our President David: if you simply deliver to us this man, this deadly terrorist, whose name is Ben-sheba, then all our crusaders shall depart from your city.”
And the woman said unto Joab: “Behold, his head shall be thrown to you over the wall.” Then the woman went to all her neighbors on their side of the wall, and she told them her clever plan. And they cut off the head of President Ben-sheba, and served it over the wall to Captain Joab.
Then Joab the Godfather blew his war trump, and the filibusters retired from the city. And Joab returned unto President David in Sweet Beulah Land.
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