Chapter 21
Now, after all that, there was a famine in the land. For three whole years, year after year, the caravan starved. So President David put on his ephod and consulted its Urim, asking: “Dear Lord Yahweh, this is a two-part question: Is the famine that we are experiencing the result of ex-President Saul’s administration? And, if so, is it specifically due to his ill-treatment of Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Club?” Then the Urim answered: “You may rely on it.”
So the president called the Harvardites, to see if he could smooth matters over, so as to solve the famine.
Now the Harvardites were not officially part of the caravansary. Though the wayfarers of the caravan mixed and mingled with them, and welcomed them among them, the Harvardites of their own will remained separate, and lived apart in their clubhouse on Dunster Street. For the Harvardites believed that they were unworthy of becoming full citizens of the Volcano: they preferred instead to act as unpaid interns for the caravan. And Saul, when he was president, tended to overwork these voluntary adjuncts, especially near the end of his term, when the putsch effort from David caused Saul’s staff to run through office supplies much quicker.
Therefore David said to the Harvardites: “How can I help you? What can I do for you? In what way may I be of service? And wherewith shall I make the atonement, so that you may bless the caravan before the volcano of potential, and thereby end this dreadful famine?”
And the Harvardites from the Hasty Pudding Club answered President David, and said: “We are not interested in pressing legal charges against the heirs of Saul’s inheritance; we desire neither silver nor gold from his estate; nor do we ask you to imprison any member of the caravan.”
And David said: “Well, then, what do you want? Whatever you say, I will do. For I’m in a pinch, here; there’s a famine, which is caused (according to God) by our former president’s maltreatment of you, so we must make amends.”
And they answered the president, saying: “Of the staff from President Saul’s administration that participated in our abuse, there are yet seven surviving members: Let those staffers be delivered unto us, and we will impale them and disembowel them before the LORD.”
And the president said: “I will give them to you.”
But it turned out that one of those staff members requested by the Harvardites was Jonathan’s son Meribaal, the unsurpassed tap-dancer; so David went back and haggled with the Harvardites for Meribaal’s life, on account of the vow that he swore unto Jonathan. And the Hasty Pudding Club agreed to substitute a different individual, who happened to have the same name, in place of Jonathan’s son.
So President David took two sons of Rizpah, the son of Armoni, a daughter of Aiah, two daughters of Adriel, and an innocent man named Meribaal: and he delivered them into the hands of the Harvardites, and they hanged them on the front lawn of the Black House in Sweet Beulah Land, where all the descendants of Saul resided. This happened at the beginning of the barley harvest. And all seven of them fell together, and were put to death; then they impaled them, and beheaded them, and disemboweled them.
Then a woman named Rizpah, the mother of two of the staffers who were executed, took a large tarred canvas, and spread it over the mutilated remains of all the bodies, so that water could not drop upon them out of heaven; neither could birds come to rest on them and peck them, nor beasts come and eat them.
Now President David was told what Rizpah had done, and this sparked within him an idea:
For it happened that when David was warring against the caravan in service to the creditors, on the day when he and the stormtroopers defeated Saul’s forces, as soon as Saul was dead, his iconic suit was pilfered from his corpse and then put on display at St. Paul’s Cathedral; also they fastened Saul’s body to the wall of Notre-Dame; and his head was piked upon St. Peter’s Basilica. So, being inspired by the tender action of Rizpah, who showed respect for her slain sons by spreading a tarp out to protect their remains, David made a trip to St. Paul’s in London, and then to Paris: and he brought up from thence the famous outfit and bones of Saul’s body; and he gathered them along with the remains of those seven slaughtered staffers, and they buried them all under the pomegranate tree that was Saul’s favorite place to sit. (David also went to St. Peter’s in Vatican City, but, alas, he could not get the head of Saul: he had to leave it atop the Basilica.) Then, once these things had been done, and the rites were performed, the land slowly began yielding crops; and in a few years, the famine had ended.
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Now, despite David having served them so long, the creditors went to war again with the caravan; and since David was currently president, he fought on the side of the caravan against the creditors.
And it happened that, in the middle of the battle, David felt exhausted, and he almost fainted. Then a huge thug from the creditors’ legion tried to kill David, but Captain Moe, the brother of Larry, came over and saved the president by smiting the huge thug to death. After this event, the filibusters of David swore to him, saying: “You shall no longer accompany us into battle, for you are getting too old and weak, and your fighting style has become sloppy: you are liable to get yourself slain, and this would extinguish the light of the caravansary.”
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One last little narrative. Or note, rather.
It came to pass after all this, that there was another battle, which took place between the hills and the coastal plain. And fighting on the side of the creditors was a literal giant, the staff of whose spear was like a weaver’s beam; and this fellow had, on every hand, six fingers, and, on every foot, six toes: twenty-four altogether. But President David’s nephew slew him.
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