Quisling David; Desperate Saul

Chapter 26 & 27

Now, even though President Saul had made amends with David; and these two had said kind words to each other, and were, for the most part, reconciled; it happened that the paramilitary agents, which Saul had sicced upon David, proved impossible to control; thus, despite Saul ordering them to desist from their manhunt, they kept beleaguering David; and no matter how many times they were told to abort their mission, they would not stop attempting to murder David. It was on account of such ever-present threats and abuse that David said in his heart: “One day I shall perish at the hand of these crazed mercenaries, who do not seem to answer to the president. Perhaps the truth is that they are completely rogue; however, if these paramilitary outfits that are the bane of my existence have any commander at all, it would seem to be that nationless cartel comprised of everything from monopolists and rentiers to private owners of central banks: in short, the dreaded Creditor Class. Now I say: Since I apparently cannot beat them, let me join them.”

And David arose, taking his six hundred and sixty-six disciples along with him, and he went to set up a job interview for them all with the Creditor Class’s figurehead, whose name was Belial, the earthly representative of Mammon.

The interview went well, and the Creditor Class officially hired David and his disciples. So David dwelt with Belial in an undisclosed location, which was the main hub of the Creditor Class, along with all his wives: Applebee from the Valley of Exploding Earth; Melanie the daughter of Saul, Phalti’s wife; and Abigail from the buffer zone of Chaos, the late Good Christian’s wife.

Then David said unto his new boss Belial: “If I have now found grace in your sight, let our overlords give me a place in some town in the country, where I might dwell: for why should I live here in the royal city with you?”

So Belial gave David the keys to the Seven Churches of Ziklag.

And the period that David served the Creditor Class was a full year and four months, during which time he wreaked much havoc.

Chapter 28

Now it came to pass in those days, that the Sea People gathered all their mermen and mermaids together for another dance-a-thon, and they invited all the pilgrims of the caravan.

And Belial said unto David: “Certainly we shall go out and ruin their festival. I will amass my armies and march down there. Will you bring your disciples?” And David said to Belial: “You’re the boss; I serve the creditors now.” And Belial said: “That’s music to my ears. I hereby appoint you my permanent bodyguard.”

§

Now Samuel was dead, and all the caravan had lamented him, and buried him in Rosemount, which was his hometown.

And President Saul had issued an executive order that made it illegal for people to communicate with any type of ghosts or familiar spirits.

So the Sea People gathered themselves together, and came and erected a huge parasol over the largest dance floor in Graceland. This was to provide them with shade, because partying is hot. And the pilgrims of the caravan came and met them there, and Saul was among them.

Then President Saul looked up and saw, gathering on the horizon, the stormtroopers of Belial (he did not know that David had joined the creditors and was part of Belial’s forces – Saul had not seen David since the incident in the executive washroom of Aladdin’s Cave, where he lost his queue), and his heart greatly trembled.

So President Saul quickly fetched his ephod and used its Urim to question the Volcano, but the Urim kept giving him non-answers like “Cannot predict now” and “Ask again later.” Neither would the Volcano advise Saul by dreams, nor by prophets.

Thus, in frustration, President Saul said to one of his interns: “Find me a woman who has a familiar spirit and is able to talk with ghosts, so that I may enquire of her.”

And the intern said to him: “Behold, I know of such a woman; she’s called the Witch of Endor. She has many familiar spirits, and she talks to ghosts all the time. But are you forgetting that you issued an executive order prohibiting all such activities? It’s now illegal to practice any type of occultism, including (but not limited to) mediumship, spirit channeling, séances, trances, and Ouija boards. Basically, everything spiritual is anathema.”

But President Saul answered and said: “I’m not concerned about the anti-divining legislation that I recently passed; for, when we go to visit this witch, I will wear a disguise.”

So Saul disguised himself, and changed out of his presidential raiment. Then he went, with two interns, and they arrived at the woman’s covenstead by night. And Saul said to the woman: “I pray, please divine for me a ghost; I’ll tell you his name, and you bring him up from Sheol. OK?”

But the woman said: “Aroint thee, Sir! You know that President Saul has banned all ghosts from the land. What wrong have I done you, that you tempt me into illegal acts? Why are you trying to get me killed?”

Yet Saul answered: “Look, I happen to be close friends with the president, and I can give you my personal guarantee that you will not get in trouble for this. No punishment shall touch you, I swear on Yahweh’s life.”

Then said the woman: “Alright. Whom shall I bring up out of Hell for you?”

And he said: “Bring me up Samuel the Seer.”

But at this point the woman recognized her visitor as Saul, and she cried with a loud voice, and said: “Why have you deceived me? For you are the president!”

And President Saul said unto the woman: “Be not afraid. Just widen your vision, and tell me what you see.”

So then the woman said unto Saul: “I see an elohim ascending from the underworld.”

And he said unto her: “What is his appearance?”

And she said: “An old man, very ill-tempered, wearing a mantle.”

And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, so he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself.

Then Samuel said to Saul, “Why have you disquieted me, to bring me up?”

And Saul answered, “I am sore distressed; for the creditors are gathered to war against our caravan, and God is departed: he no longer speaks to me – neither by prophets nor dreams – plus my ephod’s Urim isn’t working, and I can’t find its Thummim: therefore I contacted you, so that you can tell me what I should do.”

Then Samuel said: “Why do you bother me, since Yahweh has left you and become your enemy? You see, Yahweh did exactly what I prophesied he would do: he ripped the presidency out of your hand, and gave it unto your better-looking neighbor David, because you failed to heed the protocols of the Volcano: when you started the feast without me, that one time. Moreover, you grew corrupt in your position of power, and accepted bribes from your cronies in Antarctica, and allowed them to use my tent to pasture their livestock. Now, for all these reasons, Yahweh will deliver the caravan and the Sea People into the jaws of the Creditor Class. Mark your calendar: tomorrow, you and your sons shall be burning here with me.”

Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel.