How David acquired his third wife

[The obligatory image is an ad with its words removed.]

Chapter 25

Now Samuel the Seer expired; so, all the wayfarers of the caravan gathered to lament his passing. And they buried him in his house. (Although his mother dedicated him to a lifetime of service in the temple, Samuel spent most of his days at his parents’ home in Rosemount.) So, whoever buys that house will see that it comes with a buried prophet.

Now David and his disciples were at his tree fort in the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles. And there was a man who lived thereabouts, whose possessions were very great: he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats – he was a very rich man.

The name of this man was Good Christian; and the name of his wife was Abigail. She was intelligent and compassionate; while he was churlish and miserly.

Now David was standing in his tree fort when he heard the sound of Good Christian shearing his sheep. So David sent out twelve of his disciples, instructing them as follows: “Go and find Good Christian. Greet him in my name. Then say to him: ‘It looks like you are living prosperously. Peace be unto you. I hope you are enjoying your great riches. Our comrade David has heard you shearing your sheep. Are you planning on sacrificing the Holy Lamb, so that you can drink its blood and live forever? If so, will you share with us? For we live nearby, and we have always shown you respect; but we are currently running low on supplies. Please allow us therefore to partake of the crumbs from your table. As you do to us, so may God do to you.’”

Thus David’s twelve disciples came and spoke to Good Christian all these words. And then they waited in silence for Good Christian’s answer.

Now Good Christian halted in his shearing, and spoke to the disciples while clutching the lamb’s neck, saying: “Who is David? I only serve Christ. Shall I take the Holy Blood of God’s Lamb and waste it on strangers who, for all I know, might be worshippers of Antichrist?”

And the disciples explained that David is indeed the Anointed One, which is what “Christ” means (from the Greek Khristos); or at least David is among the several Anointed Ones, for Saul was anointed too, as were others before them, for various reasons.

But Good Christian said: “I know only one Christ, and that is Jesus of the Apostle Paul.” And he added as well that he knew no Saul other than the man from Tarsus, who is that same Apostle of his Lord.

So David’s disciples turned their way, and went back to the tree fort on the border of Chaos, and told David all these sayings.

Then David said unto his disciples: “Gird up your skirts and follow me.” And he unsheathed from his ephod the laser sword of Goliath Starkiller, and led them forth to confront this Good Christian. Their number was about four hundred disciples.

But one of the slaves of Good Christian addressed the man’s wife Abigail, saying: “Behold, David sent his disciples from the wilderness to salute our master; and our master railed on them. But these disciples from David were very kind to us fieldhands; they helped us with our tasks before they left, and they were friendly to us. Now therefore consider how David shall react when he learns of this mistreatment of his people: for our master is such a stickler for Mammon that no one can speak to him.”

So Abigail made haste, and took five loaves, and two fish, and twelve baskets of tea sandwiches, and two hundred bottles of Pinot Noir, and fifty rams ready dressed, and seventy-five measures of parched corn, and two hundred cakes of figs, and three hundred clusters of rum-soaked raisins, and laid them on asses. And she said to the asses: “Go on before me; behold, I come after you.” But she told not her husband.

And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert of the hill, and, look: David and his men came down from the opposite direction; and she met them.

And as he rode, David was saying within his heart: “In vain have I shown kindness to this Good Christian; now I will slay every male in his household, and take his wife for myself.”

Then, when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before him on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and fell at his feet, and said: “O Lord, forgive my iniquity in speaking to you; and hear my prayer. I beg you to pay no regard to this man, my husband, even Good Christian: for as his faith is, so is he; the Church is his faith, and brute folly is with him: but I myself saw not the disciples that you sent to my husband. I pray that you forgive me for speaking freely, for I am nothing before you, who are the Chosen One of the Volcano, and who surely shall be our next president. But when the Volcano finally appoints you to be ruler over the caravan, I hope that you do not look back and regret that you have slaughtered my household this day; but instead I hope that when the volcano of potential blesses you, you also remember to bless me, Abigail, your admirer.”

Then David answered Abigail, saying: “Blessed be the Almighty Volcano of the Caravansary, who sent you this day to meet me. And blessed be your advice, which has kept me from hastening to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand. For if you had not come to meet me here, certainly no male would have been left alive of your household. By this time tomorrow, Good Christian would have been learning by experience that death is different from what he expected. But you have saved the undeserving.” David then accepted all the gifts that she had brought, and he said unto her: “Go home safely; I have honored your appeal.”

And Abigail came to her husband, Good Christian; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the banquet of a king, for he was a very wealthy man; and his heart was merry within him, for he was a glutton who had just enjoyed his fill: wherefore she refrained from telling him on that evening about her noontime encounter with David.

But it came to pass in the morning, after Good Christian had awakened, that his wife told him everything that had happened on her journey the previous day. And when he heard these things, his heart froze within him, and he became as mute as a fish. And about ten days later he gave up the ghost.

Then when David heard that Good Christian was dead, he said: “Blessed be the Volcano, for removing from my path all forms of evil, and for preventing me from having to engage in a massacre.”

And David sent a communication to Abigail which contained a proposal of marriage. So his team of letter carriers delivered the proposal to her, saying: “David sent us to give you this invitation to marry him.” And when she heard this, she immediately bowed herself on her face to the earth, and said: “I am ready.” Then Abigail hasted, and arose, and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went with her; and she followed after the team of envoys from David, and became his wife.

So David had three wives, thus far: Melanie the daughter of Saul; Applebee from the Valley of Exploding Earth; and now Abigail from the buffer zone between Chaos and the Happy Isles.

(Just for the record, President Saul had given his daughter Melanie, David’s wife, to be the wife of Phalti the son of Laish, of Gallim, also. So she was married to both of these men at once.)