Chapter 24
So, after President Saul left Mount Purgatory, David returned to the Cave of Aladdin with his disciples.
And it came to pass, when the dance-off in the flatlands had concluded, that Saul and his manhunters bade the Sea People adieu, and they returned to scour the mountainside for David.
Then President Saul noticed that there was an herd of wild goats hopping around the rocks near a certain place on the mount, so he went closer to see what this meant. And these wild goats led Saul straight to the Cave of Aladdin, for the herd loved David and followed him everywhere he went; thus the goats had been playing near the cave’s entryway, and this betrayed the location of their friend.
Now David and his disciples had been watching Saul from their places in the cave, where they were secluded, so they saw him approach: then they took shelter within passageways of the rock, and hid themselves, when Saul entered the cave. President Saul looked right and left, but he saw no one; and, concluding that the cave was vacant, he went to use one of the stalls in the washroom.
Once they heard the click of the latch of the door of the stall, David’s disciples came out into the open floor of the cave and said to David: “O Sir, the day has arrived of which the Volcano said unto you: ‘Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand, that you may do to him as it shall seem good unto you.’”
Therefore David, placing his finger on his lips to silence his crewmen, snuck over to the side wall of the cave, where all the keys were hanging, and he shuffled through them (his heart was beating rapidly as they jingled) until he found the master key to the executive washroom. Then he went through the janitorial passageway to enter the place from the rear, and very quietly David lifted the maintenance hatch of the stall where Saul was presently enthroned. David’s movements were so hushed and sneaky that Saul noticed nothing when the panel behind him swung open to reveal the person of David. David now drew from his ephod the laser sword of Goliath, and he switched on its blade. But Saul still detected nothing, for he was in deep concentration, reading a pocket-sized New Testament (he happened to be looking at the Gospel of Mark: chapter 2, verses 25-26); but David could not bring himself to decapitate the man, on that occasion – for he thought aloud in a whisper: “God forbid that I should do this thing: How can I stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing that he is the anointed of the Volcano!” And, as David reasoned thus to himself, while holding the blazing saber up above Saul, Saul lifted his chin slightly and shifted his position: for he thought he had heard a noise, and was listening closer. So David abandoned his deadly plan and instead used the laser sword to snip off the president’s queue (the braid of hair at the back of his head); for it was fashionable among dignitaries at that time to wear a queue in their hair: and David cut Saul’s off privily.
Then David snuck his way back out of the executive washroom. And when he made it to the main floor of the cave, where his disciples were waiting, it came to pass that David’s heart began to smite him, and he felt remorse at having cut off the president’s queue. And he told his disciples how bad he felt about this; but they could not believe that he had passed up the opportunity to kill his killer: “For it would be self-defense,” they cried. But David was adamant, and he suffered great pangs of conscience for having thus disrespected the Volcano’s anointed first choice.
Thus David held his ground against the arguments of his disciples, and he suffered them not to rise against President Saul. Then they all quickly hushed and scrambled to their hiding spots, for the door of the washroom swung open, and Saul emerged and walked through the cave and went on his way.
Once the president was outside, David also arose and exited the cave, and he cried after Saul, saying: “Mister President!” And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed himself. And David said to Saul: “Why do you listen to the gossip of jealous foemen, who say: ‘Behold, David seeks your hurt’? For, lo, this day your eyes have seen how the volcano of potential has delivered you into my hand, in the cave, and my disciples urged me to kill you: but my heart spared your life; and I said: ‘I will not put forth my hand against the caravan’s president; for he is the Volcano’s Anointed One.’ Moreover, O father, look here, yes, look at this queue of your hair, which I hold in my hand: for I lasered it off with my sword, when you were in the washroom stall, just a moment ago, and I abstained from killing you – I said to myself: ‘Remove just the pigtail, not the whole head.’ Understand therefore that neither evil nor transgression lives in my breast, and I have not sinned against you, even though you seek to slay my own soul. Let the Volcano judge between me and thee, and the Volcano avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not harm thee.”
And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul answered and said: “Is this truly your voice, my son David?” And Saul roared, and wept. Then Saul said unto David: “You are more righteous than I: for you have rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded you evil. And you have dealt well with me: for, when the Volcano had delivered me into your hand, you spared my life. What man, finding his enemy in a trap, kills him not, but sets him loose, and lets him go on his way, in full health and freedom? Yet that is what you have done for me on this occasion. You are therefore no man but an elohim. And now, behold, I know well that you shall surely be the next president, and that the caravan of the Volcano shall be established in your hand. I have one prayer unto you, in the name of the volcano of potential: Swear now that you will not exterminate my family, and that you will refrain from burning alive my father’s household.”
And David swore solemnly unto Saul. Then Saul went home to the Black House in Sweet Beulah Land; but David and his disciples returned unto his tree fort.
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