Chapter 12
Then Yahweh God paid President David a visit. And he said: “Greetings. I’m back for a short while – I’ve been in the far east, I’m still working with those nations; I really like them, and I shall return before long, but I desired to talk to you about something I witnessed over there: I would like to get your opinion on it.”
President David said to Yahweh: “Speak on. I’m all ears.”
Then Yahweh said: “OK, listen. There were two men in the city; one was rich, and the other poor. The rich man had everything: numberless possessions, all the latest comforts – he was lazing in luxury. But the poor man had nothing, except for one little goat, which he had raised and nourished from its birth: and this goat grew up with the poor man, and they lived in a tiny dwelling together, and they shared the same food and drink, each day; and, every night, the little goat went to sleep in the man’s bosom; and he loved this goat as if it were his own child. Now, behold: one day, a relative of the rich man came to visit him, and the rich man wanted to prepare a meal for his guest, but instead of taking a beast from his own flocks or herds (which were abundant), this rich man snatched the little goat from the poor man’s bosom, and slaughtered it, and cooked it for a feast for him and his guest.”
Now David’s anger was so greatly kindled that he interrupted the parable and said: “I swear to God, that man who did this shall surely die!”
Lord Yahweh gazed upon David in silence after this outburst. At last, he said: “You are that man.”
President David was dumbstruck.
Then Yahweh continued, saying: “I anointed you to be the caravan’s president, and I protected you from Saul’s hitmen and assassins. I gave you your master’s office, and I let you possess his wives; and, in addition, if you had asked, I would have given you ten times more. So why did you set a murder trap for Uriah? You stole his wife and stabbed him in the back. And you acted in secret, privately conniving, under the cloak of darkness. I truly thought you were better than that.”
Then David cried: “I have sinned against the Volcano.” And he fell on his face and wept so sore that the whole house could hear.
And Yahweh said: “Do not wallow in your iniquity. All sins are forgiven. You will not die for this. I will extenuate the karmic doom that was prompted. Howbeit, I urge you to abandon hubris: bad luck may yet come of this; for you have caused a great disturbance in the volcano of potential.”
Then Yahweh departed from the house.
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Now Uriah’s wife brought forth unto David a child: and it was born very sick. President David therefore besought the volcano of potential on behalf of the child; and David put on coarse garments and fasted all day and night. And his chiefs of staff came and tried to persuade him to come to the table, but he would not join them to dine, neither would he touch the meals that they brought him.
Then, on the seventh day, the child died. And the staff at the presidential residence feared to tell David this news; for they said: “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we tried to speak to David, but he was too grieved to listen: so, he may descend altogether into madness, if he hears that the child is dead.”
But when David saw his staff members whispering together, he deduced that the child must have died: therefore, he asked his staffers directly: “Is the child dead?” And they answered: “He is dead.”
Then David arose, and washed, and anointed himself, and put off his coarse clothes, and changed back into his presidential outfit; then he visited the Volcano’s Tabernacle, and meditated before the Furnace of Potential. Finally, David returned to his own residence; and when the meal was served, he joined the rest of his administration at the table and dined.
Then one of his chiefs of staff said unto the president: “I’m afraid to offend you, but may I ask about your perplexing behavior? For you did fast and weep, while the child was alive; but now that he’s gone, you rise and eat. Is not mourning normally performed after a death?”
And David answered: “While the child had life, I fasted and wept; for I said within my heart: ‘who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, and heal the lad’s illness?’ But now that he’s dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? No: I shall go to him, on my own last day (for we all must die); but he shall not return to me. For resurrection is impossible.”
Now, just when David finished speaking, the Lord Yahweh entered the room together with Bath-sheba, who held the infant in her arms: and, behold, the child was no longer sick and distressed, but he had revived, and was now healthy and serene.
Seeing this, the president wept with joy, and leapt up from his place at the table, and in happy tears he kissed the babe and his wife. Then he cried unto Yahweh: “Dear friend, what is this that I see?”
And the Lord Yahweh answered and said: “In the morning, I came to visit Bath-sheba your wife; she had lamented all night long, and was now nearly unresponsive, since the child had passed away. So I went to look in the crib. And when I examined the child, lo, there was neither voice, nor hearing.”
Now Bath-sheba herself, impatient with elation, interrupted Yahweh and said: “The LORD then leaned forward, and put his mouth over the child’s mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and he aligned their hands, palm to palm: and he held this pose until the child became warm again; but he was not breathing yet. Seeing this, I knew not whether to laugh or cry; I just kept repeating: “Voodoo, be true! Voodoo, be true!” The LORD had stepped back and was pacing to and fro within the room; then he returned and tried again. He positioned himself as before, and after a few moments, the child began to stretch: then he sneezed seven times and began to breathe, and the child opened his eyes!”
Thus did Yahweh comfort President David and his wife: and he gave them back their son. And the Volcano named him Solomon, which means “For the sake of peace, we break the sword” (an allusion to his favorite passage from Nietzsche): and Lord Yahweh loved the lad.
And President David christened the child Jedidiah, which means “He is risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept.” But Yahweh insisted that the lad be called Solomon.
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Meanwhile, President David’s filibusters, under the leadership of his Top Thug Joab, continued to fight against the Canadians.
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