David & Bath-sheba

Chapter 11

Now let us back up a little and look at a story that happened while the caravan was still at war with Canada. David had sent his Top Thug Joab the Godfather out, along with his brother Moe, to battle the Canadians; and President David remained in Eldorado.

Then it happened that, one evening, David went for a stroll upon the roof of his presidential residence. And while he was walking up there, he saw a woman bathing nude in a swimming pool nearby, and she was very beautiful to look upon.

So David wrote a letter to the woman, which said: “To the bathing beauty whom I am just now beholding from my rooftop: I am David the President of the Caravan; are you not Bath-sheba, the wife of my soldier Uriah who is currently fighting in the Canadian War? Please write back as soon as you can, I’m longing to meet you.” Then he sealed the paper in an envelope, and put a stamp on it, and he wrote a postscript on the exterior: “Destroy this immediately after you have read it!” And he dropped it into the mailbox.

The caravan’s postal service was speedy. The woman received David’s letter while she was still in the pool; then, in lieu of writing back, she simply wrapped herself in a towel and ambled over to the presidential residence.

Now the robo-butler appeared in David’s office to inform him that there was a beautiful woman at the door wearing nothing but a towel. Yet, before the bot could even finish speaking its message, the woman herself came in unto David: and she lay with him. Then she returned unto her house.

And the woman conceived, and sent and told the president, saying: “I am with child.”

So President David summoned his Top Thug Joab the Godfather, saying: “You know that beautiful woman Bath-sheba? Go fetch her husband; the man named Uriah. He is among our filibusters, battling Canada.” And Joab sent Uriah to David.

Now when Bath-sheba’s husband Uriah showed up in David’s office, the president asked him how the fighting was coming along, and how the war prospered. “War is hell,” answered Uriah. “Why do you ask?”

Then President David said to Uriah: “How would you like a little vacation from the horrors of warfare? Why don’t you go down to your house, and take a dip in the pool with that wife of yours. You’ve been a good soldier, and you deserve a break: exchange one type of action for another type of action, if you can catch my double meaning. I’m just trying to make sure that my finest fighters feel appreciated.” And the president ushered Uriah out of his office; then David ordered his chefs to prepare a great platter of foods that were known to be aphrodisiacs, and this he sent to the house of Uriah, along with a bar cart containing bottles of wine and spirits.

But instead of returning to his house that night, Uriah slept in a tent of the barracks, in the solders’ quarters outside the presidential residence, with the other servicemen who were there.

Now when David found out that Uriah had not gone home, he hastened in and asked him directly: “Uriah, my friend, haven’t you had a long journey, and wouldn’t you like to get some good rest at your own house?”

Then Uriah answered President David and said: “The ark of God, and the rest of the caravan, and all my fellow soldiers abide here in tents; so does Joab our captain; meanwhile, all the other officers and service members are camped out in the open battlefield. Shall I then go enjoy the comfort of my house, to wine and dine, and to lie with my wife? As Yahweh lives, I will not do this thing.”

So President David said to Uriah: “Tarry here two more days; then I’ll let you depart.”

So Uriah remained in Eldorado that day and the morrow, during which time the president invited him to a banquet. And over the course of the meal, David made Uriah drunk. Yet, at even, instead of stumbling home to sleep with his wife, Uriah went out to lie on his cot in the barracks again with the other servicemen.

So, in the morning, David wrote an official order to his Top Thug Joab, and he sealed it in an envelope; then he sent this by the hand of the soldier Uriah. And what the order said was as follows:

“Position Uriah so that he is at the forefront of the hottest battle. Then fall back away from him, so that he gets struck down dead.”

And it came to pass, when Captain Joab led his forces into the city, that he assigned Uriah to stand in a place where he knew that there would be the most chaotic violence.

Then the enemy warriors charged out and rampaged savagely. Quickly Joab caused the rest of his forces to retreat, though a few of his troops were slaughtered in the attack: and Uriah died also.

Then Joab sent an errand boy to tell David the results of the battle, and he instructed the lad, saying: “When you have finished reporting the bad news of our loss, if the president asks in anger: ‘Why did you fight so stupidly, so that all these soldiers got wiped out?’ Then say very clearly: ‘Your pal Uriah is also among the dead.’”

So the errand boy went and told President David the full report, saying: “Ah, how awful! The enemy prevailed against us. They came out into the field and slaughtered many soldiers from our front line. And, O! worst of all is that Bath-sheba’s husband Uriah is deceased.”

Then President David said to the errand boy: “Here is my return message unto Captain Joab: ‘Dear Sir, weep not; for the sword devours one as well as another, and battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won.’”

And when Bath-sheba heard the news of her husband’s death, she mourned for the required amount of time; after which David sent a procession of security personnel to transfer her to his presidential residence; and she became his wife, and bare him a son.