David vs. Canada

Chapter 10

For those of you who don’t know your geography, Canada is the country directly north of the Volcano’s caravan. Being neighbors, the caravan and Canada had always treated each other with politeness, and they had maintained good relations for many centuries.

Now it came to pass that the King of Canada died. And the Creditor Class had been waiting for this to happen, so they replaced the King with a select committee of moguls, which of course they called a democracy.

Then said President David: “I will show kindness unto our caravan’s northern neighbors, by sending them a choir of angels to sing a psalm of condolence regarding the recent death of their King, who was a shining god on earth. For they are nice people who live up there, and they were loyal to me when Eshbaal the Fire Lord contended my presidency.”

Thus David sent a choir of angels to the select committee of moguls that now ruled Canada, and the angels sung them the president’s dirge.

And, while the angels were singing, the Canadian oligarchy’s moguls whispered one to another, saying: “Is this a joke? Does the president of the caravan truly care about our dead monarch? Lo, we hated the King and were impatient for his demise. And now David sends us comforters? This must be an instance of ironic humor; but I find it cringeworthy.” And another oligarch answered and said: “David is spitting in our faces. He has offered us this choir neither in earnest nor as a goof, but the angels are espionage agents sent here to spy out our country. I do not believe I am evincing what psychologists call projection when I say that David intends to overthrow us and usurp our government.”

For these reasons, when the choir of angels had finished their song, the select committee seized them and used shears to cut holes in the angels’ white robes, so that the angels’ private parts were exposed; thus their costumes became like reverse bikinis: they covered everything except for their bosoms and their womanhood (all these angels happened to be female). The oligarchs furthermore shaved the hair of the angels’ pudenda so that it was in the shape of a downward arrow, to draw attention to their state of undress. Then they sent the angels away.

Now when this angelic choir returned unto President David, at first he was aroused, but this quickly turned to pity, when he noticed that the angels were greatly ashamed.

So the president said: “Tarry at Las Vegas until the fashion catches up with you.” And David comforted them, explaining that fads in clothing change at about the same rate that it should take for their hair to grow back.

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Now when the Canadian oligarchs saw that they stank before David, the select committee sent and hired thirty thousand psychopaths to defend them.

And when President David heard this, he told his Top Thug Joab to round up all his filibusters.

Then the Canadian psychopaths came out onto the battlefield and attacked Joab the Godfather’s filibusters on the front side and on the back side. And when Joab saw this, he yelled to his brother Moe for help. This caused the psychopaths of Canada to back off and flee. So it looked like Joab and Moe had won the war.

And when President David was told that his Top Thug Joab was victorious, he came out of the Black Lodge with his cabinet members and began to taunt the Canadians. But then the psychopaths, while they were retreating, heard David’s taunts, so they came and attacked him and his staff. And David singlehandedly slaughtered seven hundred psychopaths in chariots, and forty thousand psychopaths on horseback, and he even slew the captain of the psychopaths whose name was Sherbet. (In case you’re wondering, Captain Sherbet’s flavor was rainbow: a blend of raspberry, orange, and lime.)

So when the moguls of the select committee of Canada saw that they were smitten before the caravan, they made peace with President David, and became his slaves. And the psychopaths that were hired to help the Canadians were then asked to leave, so they all tendered their resignations and went and found leadership positions within the United States.