Chapter 2
You probably will not remember this, but, back around chapter nineteen of the previous scroll, Elijah anointed his prophetic successor Elisha, at the instruction of the Volcano; thus, Elisha became Elijah’s assistant. The latter simply wandered into a field and found the former plowing with oxen; he told her “Follow me,” and the damsel hopped up and left her whole former life behind. I rehash this episode of their initial meeting, just to crush any rumors about the two similarly named figures being in truth the same person. Elisha was not the result of Yahweh transmogrifying Elijah into a female. This gossip is false. Those witnesses are wrong who say that Yahweh, out of frustration with Elijah’s stubborn resistance to change, converted the prophet into a prophetess. Strike that testimony from the record. Do not let yourself think those thoughts. For the last time, I repeat: Elisha was simply Elijah’s successor.
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Now it came to pass that the Volcano reached his limit, and decided to take Elijah away in a whirlwind.
The prophet and prophetess were walking together from the Hanging Pond, and Elijah said unto Elisha: “Tarry here, please; for the True God has sent me to Paris of the Mountains, between Rome and Florida.” And Elisha said unto him: “As Yahweh lives, I will not leave you.” So they both hiked up the Parisian Mountains.
And the prophets that were at the God House in Paris came running out to Elisha, and said to her: “The deities in our God House tell us that Yahweh will amputate your master from your presence today. Did you know this?” And she said: “Yes, I knew that: now, hush up.”
And Elijah said unto her: “Elisha, tarry here, please; for the True God has sent me to Las Vegas.” And she said: “As Yahweh lives, I will not leave you.”
So they went to Las Vegas, and the soothsayers that were there ran up to Elisha, and said unto her: “We have consulted our psychics, and gazed into our crystal balls, and visited every respectable fortuneteller, and all our research points to one end: Yahweh Peor plans on surgically removing your boss from your body. If true, this is unprecedented – were you aware of it?” And Elisha answered: “Yes, I knew it; but, shush now.”
Then Elijah said unto her: “Stay here, please; for the True God has sent me back to the Hanging Pond of the Great Basin Rainforest.” And she said: “As Yahweh lives, and as your soul lives, I will not leave you.” So the two went on.
Now rumors started to go about the land, that Elijah was to be called up into the sky by Enoch, after the fashion that Ahab was. So, as the prophet and prophetess drew closer to the Great Basin, when they were passing the city limits, there came forth little children who mocked Elijah, saying unto him: “Go up, you baldhead; go up, you baldhead.” And Elijah turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of Yeshua the Zealot. Then a pair of she-bears came out of the woods and shredded the children.
Elijah continued to walk toward the Great Basin. And his companion, who had taken shelter, hastened to follow him. They trekked all the rest of the morning, and arrived about noon.
Now fifty wild men with long thick hair who were prophets in the wilderness came and stood afar off on the border of the Great Basin Rainforest, and they watched intently as the following event occurred.
The prophet and his assistant-successor came to the edge of the jungle, where the Hanging Pond floats. Elijah then removed his mantle and rolled it up tight like a wand; then he smote the ground: this caused the Hanging Pond to drip down and pool upon the ground. Then he smote the waters, and they divided; just like the Red Ocean divided for Moses, or like the same Hanging Pond divided and subsequently hovered ever after (until now) for Yeshua the Zealot. So the prophet Elijah and his replacement the prophetess Elisha went over on dry ground. It was totally amazing.
Then it came to pass, when they reached the other side of the divided pond, which aforetime had been hanging in midair but was now grounded, that Elijah said to Elisha: “I need to leave; so just tell me, straight out: What do you want from me?”
And Elisha said: “In the future, whenever people ask me about you, my desire is to be able to say: ‘Anything he can do, I can do better.’ Give me therefore a double portion of your magic.”
And he said: “That is a very difficult ask. You have no idea about the complexity of forces at work here. It’s hard to gauge whether your wish will be able to come true. I’d say: if you can actually still see me as I’m arrested and hauled off, then you’ll probably get your way; but if not, then you’re on your own.”
Then it came to pass, as they were walking and talking, that, behold, out from the earth appeared a chariot of fire, with horses of fire, amid whirling winds, which parted them both asunder: and Elijah was taken back whence it had emerged.
As this happened, Elisha cried out: “Rabbi, rabbi, your god did not forsake you!”
Then, when she could no longer see him, she gripped her own garment, and tore it. And she took up the mantle-wand that Elijah had dropped, and went back, and stood by the bank of the Great Basin, before the pond which had fallen, and she smote the waters with the wand, and said: “Where is this Wizard of Elijah?” And when she had smitten the waters again, they parted asunder: and Elisha went over.
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Now the hairy wild prophets from the wilderness had been watching the above scene from the edge of the jungle, and when they saw Elisha pass through the divided pond on dry land, and then the waters levitate back up into midair and remain hanging there forever after, they exclaimed: “Elijah’s magic is repossessed by Elisha!” And they ran to meet her, and bowed themselves to the ground before her. And they said unto Elisha:
“Behold, we have fifty strong men among us; let us go, please, and search for your master. For it could be that the Volcano has expelled him atop some mountain with Moses and Yeshua, or into some valley; or confined him for insubordination, and left him crying in the wilderness.”
And she answered: “Search not. All is hidden.”
Yet the wild men urged her till she gave in and said: “Fine, search.”
So all fifty of these hairy prophets spent three full days and nights scouring the land, looking high and low, but they could not find Elijah. Then they reported back to Elisha, who tarried in the jungle, and she said unto them: “I told you so. All is hidden.”
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Eventually, some of the residents from Las Vegas came out and said to Elisha: “Behold, the situation in our city is pleasant, as you can see, but the water is poisoned, so it is killing the citizens and making the soil barren.”
And she said: “Bring me a new cruse filled with salt.” And they brought it to her. And she went forth unto the spring of the waters, and cast the salt therein, and said: “The Volcano has healed these waters; they shall not produce any more death or barren land.”
And to this day, the waters of Las Vegas have remained nontoxic.
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