Chapter 19
Now Captain Ahab told his wife Jezebel everything that Elijah had done, and moreover how he had slain all the LORD’s prophets.
Then Jezebel sent unto Elijah an angel of fierce countenance, and the angel said: “I swear by Yahweh the Volcano that you, O Elijah, will be dealt with just as you dealt with all those prophets. As it is written: ‘with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.’ Matthew seven, verse two.” Then the angel returned to his mistress.
After receiving this message, Elijah arose, and ran for his life. He went a whole day’s journey into the wilderness. Eventually he reached Roman Fountain Seven, the Area 51 of the caravan; there he found a booth under a juniper tree, which had also a gourd vine growing over the top of it, providing a shelter from the sun. Elijah stopped and sat in the shade there; he then fished his communication device out of his mantle-pocket and tried to initiate a conference with the Wizard; but Omega Zoroaster was offline, or so it said. Therefore, Elijah chose to record a video message for the Wizard; he held the device up and shouted into its screen, saying: “Enough! I’m being hunted like an animal. This is the end. Take my life, O master; for I am now no better than those adversaries that I entered this world to oppose.”
Then Elijah, exhausted, slouched over, and a deep sleep fell upon him, there in the booth under the gourd and the juniper.
Now, after he had slumbered for some time, behold, a branch from the juniper brushed against his face, and Elijah awoke. Looking up, he saw there before him the appearance of a wild man whose body was brown like rusty iron, and whose hair hung over his face down past his feet. This man was gathering berries from the tree. All that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were shaped like the eyes of a goat.
The wild man said to Elijah: “Rise and eat. I just came here for seed cones to flavor the gin.”
And Elijah looked, and, behold, there was a cake baked on the hot stones, and homemade gin in a pitcher. So he ate and drank, and laid him down again.
Then, after another interval, the wild man with the goat eyes came again holding the branch that he had broken from the juniper tree, and he brushed Elijah’s face with it, to wake him a second time (for he had again fallen into a deep sleep), and he said: “Rise and eat; you will need strength for the coming journey.”
So Elijah rose, and did eat and drink. And this repast gave him the energy to travel for forty days and forty nights on foot, as he followed the wild man to Sinai, the mount of God. And Elijah lodged there in a cave.
Then, behold, after more time had passed, the wild man with the abundant hair came to him, and said to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
And Elijah answered: “I have been very jealous for the Wizard, and on behalf of his savior Yeshua. For the caravansary’s captain worships the LORD, so I showed him and his people how the Wizard controls the weather, by causing a drought and then making it rain; after which I slew his many false prophets in the name of the One True God. But now the captain’s consort Jezebel seeks my life, and she has sicced her LORD upon me. So I fled to the wilderness.”
And the wild man said: “Go forth, and stand upon the mountain.”
And, behold, the volcano of potential manifested, and a great and strong wind tore open the hills and shattered the rocks by divine power; but God was not the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but God was not the earthquake: and after the earthquake a fire; but God was not the fire: and after the fire a still small voice. When Elijah heard it, he grasped that the True God was inviting him to meet in person, so he wrapped his mantle around his eyes as a blindfold (for he thought that he would surely die if he were to gaze upon the One True God); then he stood at the entrance of the cave. And, behold, the voice came again, saying: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
And Elijah gave the same answer as before, saying: “I have been very jealous for the Wizard, and on behalf of his savior Yeshua. For the caravansary’s captain worships the LORD, so I showed him and his people how the Wizard controls the weather, by making it rain after causing a drought; then I slew his many false prophets in your name . . .”
Here the voice interjected, saying: “Not for me did you do this.” The wild man had placed his hand over the mouth of Elijah. Then the voice continued, saying: “What you did to those prophets was not for the volcano of potential. This ‘Wizard’ of yours, this Omega Zoroaster, and his ‘savior’ Yeshua, they are colleagues of mine, and I have no wish to speak ill of them: I would rather salute all fellow poets; nevertheless, I urge you henceforth to avoid blindly obeying, give over merely following orders. Be your own man, Elijah. And remember the lesson about potential that you just now learned: Performing parlor tricks with the weather proves nothing about God (rather the opposite: why should the ‘One True God’ be at anyone’s beck and call?) – God is not the heavy downpour, and divinity comes not with observation: for the kingdom of heaven is within you, and all deities reside in the human breast.”
At this point, he took the blindfold from Elijah’s eyes, and the latter was amazed to behold the wild man standing before him. Elijah wept sore and repented; and the Volcano was merciful. Then he continued his speech to Elijah, and said as follows:
“If you are willing to do some prophetic work for me, I have three new anointings that I would like to accomplish: three fresh messiahs. Understand? OK, so you’ll need to return the way you came, and go through the wilderness until you reach Damascus: that’s the first job: find a man whose name is Hammerhead Shark (this should be easy, for the guy looks exactly like the animal that he is named after) and anoint this Hammerhead Shark as the king of Funland.
“The next anointing shall be for the president of the northern caravan. Go find a fellow named Yahoo Yeehaw: he earns my popular vote. You must agree, ‘President Yahoo Yeehaw’ has a nice ring to it.
“Lastly, go down to the Meadow of Dancing – you know where that is, right? – and you will find a damsel plowing with twelve oxen before her: cast your mantle upon her. This woman’s name is Elisha. Anoint her. Not for any office of state, but to be your successor. And don’t take it too hard that, despite having just one moment ago accepted you into my service, I’m already scheduling your replacement – it’s not your fault: only because of the way that the Doom Window keeps shifting in spacetime, in order to carry out all my plans, I’m forced to employ a pair of dubious agents bearing similar-sounding names, instead of using just one trustworthy prophet. So, anoint Elisha. When you see twelve oxen: toss your mantle.
“What’s bound to happen (I might as well tell you) is that whoever escapes being jawed by Hammerhead Shark shall meet the sword of Yahoo Yeehaw: and whoever escapes the sword of Yahoo Yeehaw shall be murdered by Elisha. For everyone’s out to kill everyone, nowadays: it’s every man for himself, and God against all.”
§
So Elijah departed thence, and went to the Dancing Meadow. There he found a damsel plowing with twelve oxen before her: and Elijah passed by this woman, and cast his mantle upon her. And straightway the plowgal forsook her oxen, and ran after Elijah, and said: “Let me go kiss my father and my mother, and then I will follow you.”
Elijah answered with a quote from Luke’s Gospel (9:62). “No dame, having put her hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”
Therefore this plowgal, whose name was Elisha, dispensed with bidding farewell to her family; instead, she hastened after Elijah, who kept on the move; and, as they went, Elisha slew the oxen that she had been driving, and boiled their flesh, and served the meat: and the pair consumed their meal on the run.
So that’s how Elisha became Elijah’s assistant.
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