Chapter 18
Now it was much later: three years into the drought. The visage of the Wizard appeared on the screen of Elijah’s mobile computing device, saying: “Go and show yourself to Ahab; then I will turn the rain back on.”
So Elijah went to meet Captain Ahab.
Now the famine was ravaging Persia. Ahab had called up his housekeeper Obadiah, and he said: “Go with me into the land: let us together visit all the known fountains, and see if there are any brooks that still flow: peradventure we may find grass to save our livestock, so that we can avoid losing all our beasts.”
Thus Ahab and Obadiah split up and went to search for vestiges of water: Ahab headed one way by himself; and Obadiah went another way, also alone.
Now as Obadiah was walking, behold, Elijah met him: and Obadiah recognized him, and fell on his face, and said: “Are you my master Elijah?”
And he answered him: “I am. Go, tell your Captain Ahab: ‘Elijah is back.’”
And Obadiah answered: “Ah! how have I wronged you, that you would hand me over to Ahab, to kill me? For I swear on your Wizard’s savior, there is no place that Ahab has not sent his minions to seek you: and when each place said: ‘Elijah is not here,’ Ahab would force them to certify their claim before magistrates. And now you tell me: ‘Go, tell the Captain: Behold, Elijah is here,’ yet it shall happen that, as soon as I turn my back, you will disappear – your Wizard will have spirited you away somewhere – so when Ahab comes looking for you and finds you not, he shall slay me.”
But Elijah said: “As the Wizard lives, whom I serve, I will surely appear before Captain Ahab today.”
So Obadiah went and told Ahab; then Ahab went to meet Elijah. And when Ahab saw Elijah, he said: “Are you the one I met, who keeps troubling the caravan?”
And Elijah answered: “I have not troubled the caravan; I only wanted to demonstrate the power of my deity. For you worship the LORD, but I have a superior force in the Wizard of Yeshua. And I would like to demonstrate this to you, if this drought that my Wizard caused is not already proof enough. Now therefore send word, and gather all your people to Mount Purgatory: assemble four hundred and fifty prophets of your LORD. We will have a contest: And may the best god win.”
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So Ahab sent word to all the wayfarers of the caravan, and to those prophets who were maintained by Jezebel his wife, and gathered them together unto Mount Purgatory.
And Elijah came before the multitudes, and said: “How long will you halt between two opinions? If the LORD be God, follow him: but if the Wizard of Yeshua, then follow him.”
And the people answered: “Why not accept both within the celestial assemblage? Is the pantheon not big enough for every manifestation of potential? And do not all deities reside in the human breast?”
Then said Elijah unto the multitudes: “I am here to force a choice. Behold, I, even I only, remain a prophet of the Wizard, in the name of Yeshua; but the LORD’s prophets are four hundred and fifty men. Why the disproportion, if all is so fair and welcoming? My contention is that there is only One True God, the Wizard, and he was made manifest in Yeshua; but all other gods are false, and they anger the Wizard because he is jealous. Let us therefore perform an experiment: a scientific test. Give us two bullocks; let the prophets of the LORD choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, yet do not apply any fire: meanwhile, I will slaughter the other bullock, and lay it on wood, without applying any fire. Then you pray to your LORD, and I will call on the name of the Wizard: and whoever answers by fire, let him be the One True God.”
And the people answered, and said: “As you like.”
So Elijah turned and said unto the prophets of the LORD: “Choose a bullock for yourselves, and dress it first; for you are the majority. Then pray to your god, but add no fire to the grill.”
Thus they took the bullock that was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of the LORD all morning long, saying: “O LORD, hear our prayer.” But there was no voice, and no one answered.
Then at noon, Elijah mocked them, saying: “Pray louder: for he is a god who lives in heaven, and that’s far away, maybe he hasn’t heard you yet. It could be that he is preoccupied, talking with some other prophets elsewhere; or maybe he’s walking in his garden, or out on a journey through the wilderness; peradventure he is asleep, and must be awakened, because this is his Sabbath.”
And the prophets of the LORD cried aloud. And to aid in their sanctification, some of the Catholics in the masses even engaged in the discipline of self-mortification.
This continued through midday, and they prophesied until the time of the evening meal. But there was neither voice, nor any answer or response.
Then Elijah said unto the multitudes: “Draw near to me.” And all the people gathered closer. And there was an old altar to Tammuz which was in a state of disrepair: “I’ll repurpose this,” he said; and he took the stones therefrom and built an alter for the Wizard in the name of Yeshua: and he made a large trench around the altar. And he put the wood in order, and cut the bullock in pieces, and laid him on the wood, and said: “Fill four barrels with water, and pour it on the offering, and on the wood.” Then he said: “Do it again.” And they did it a second time. Then he said: “Again.” And they poured out yet more water, until it ran round about the altar and filled up the trench.
Then Elijah the prophet came near, and said: “Omega Zoroaster, Wizard of Yeshuah the Zealot, let it be known this day that you are the True God, and that I am your servant, and that I have done all these things by your instruction. Hear me, O Wizard, hear me, so that these multitudes may know that you are Omega Zoroaster the Wizard, whose power was revealed by the acts of the savior Yeshua!”
Then lightning struck and utterly consumed the altar: it burnt up not only the wood but the stones, even the dust, and licked up all the water from the trench; leaving only the meat, perfectly cooked, to be served as steaks.
And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces: and they said: “Yeshua, he is the God; Yeshua, he is the God.”
Then Elijah said unto them: “Arrest the prophets of the LORD; let not one of them escape.” And they seized them: and Elijah brought them down to the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River, all set about with fever-trees; and there he slew them.
Then Elijah said unto Captain Ahab: “Hurry up and eat the meal that I cooked; for, now that the Wizard has opened heaven’s windows, we should anticipate a significant amount of rainfall.”
So Ahab went to eat and drink. And Elijah ascended to the summit of Mount Purgatory, to look at the sky. At first he saw nothing, but after seven moments a little cloud started arising out of the sea, it was about the size of a man’s hand. So Elijah bound his skirt up around his loins and then dashed down the mountainside, yelling to Ahab: “Abandon the meal, go get in your chariot, or the rain will submerge you!”
And even as he spoke, the heaven grew black with clouds and wind. Then began the torrential downpour. Captain Ahab drove his chariot, while Elijah ran before him, all the way home.
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