Exit Ahab

Chapter 22

Now Ahab did many deeds during his time as captain. Anyone who desires to know more about the ivory palace which he made in Persia, and all the cities that he built, must lament the fact that Ahab’s political enemies, the priests of the caravan (all those self-styled yogis and gurus) destroyed from the ROY-BIV chronicles every last copy of Volume 7, titled The Caravan’s Fieriest President.

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In the fourth year of Captain Ahab’s term, Fat Jehovah the son of Candied Yam Man 2 began to govern the southern 15% of the caravansary. Fat Jehovah was thirty-five years old when he became the Lime-Green Prez, and he made peace with Ahab the captain of the northern 85%.

There were also three years without war between Funland and the caravan. And in that third year, Fat Jehovah the president of the south came up to visit headquarters of the north, in Persia. When he entered, Captain Ahab was giving a speech to his countrymen, wherein he was saying: “Did you know that the place they call the Funlandic Bahamas is truly the Caravanian Bahamas? Yes, that land belongs to the caravansary! Why are we all sitting around so quiet and docile, instead of rising up to take our country back!?” Then Ahab turned and noticed the Lime-Green President Fat Jehovah in attendance; and Ahab greeted him warmly, then asked: “O southern president, will you go with me to battle for the Caravanian Bahamas?”

And President Fat Jehovah said to Captain Ahab of the north: “I am of like mind with you. My people are your people, my horses your horses.” Ahab then strode forth and gave the southern prez a madman’s hug. And Fat Jehovah added: “But, just to be sure that we are not acting unwisely, let us consult with the prophets of Yahweh, and see what they say.”

So Captain Ahab gathered all his prophets together, about four hundred men, and said to them: “Shall the united caravan act heroically, by combining military forces to repossess our land? Or should we shrink back trembling like cowards and do absolutely nothing?”

And all four hundred of the prophets said: “Go to war; for Yahweh shall deliver the Bahamas.”

Yet President Fat Jehovah said: “This is good to know; I thank you. But these four hundred are all true prophets, who speak the word of the LORD. Should we not also check with a false prophet? just to get a second opinion? do have one of those? say, some Ozian who serves their Wizard? yes, didn’t Elijah used to prophesy around here? maybe ask him.”

And Captain Ahab said unto Fat Jehovah: “The prophet Elijah underwent his Damascus Experience at Mount Horeb: he is now my particular friend and serves the volcano of potential. But there is yet one false lying prophet whom we may consult: he calls himself Micaiah, a name that he stole from one of my true prophets Micah. This Micaiah – ‘the Honest One,’ as he styles himself – has even endeavored to copy the true Micah’s scroll of prophecies; but, in his plagiarized version, Honest Micaiah tweaks the text to suit his handlers. I could call him from their gated zone, where he resides: but I hate him; for he will change his prophecy to suit the highest bidder: What’s the worth of listening to a hired hack who’s a stenographer to the powerful, a paid mouthpiece for the moguls?”

But President Fat Jehovah answered and said: “I’ve never heard of this Micaiah; but you’re a hard captain to please, and I fear that you might be assessing him too harshly. Bring in the man and let him speak.”

Then Captain Ahab instructed his cabin-boy to go into the creditors’ community and fetch Micaiah.

And the cabin-boy that was gone to summon the false prophet, when he found him, spoke unto Honest Micaiah, saying: “Behold now, all the prophets of the LORD have declared with one mouth to our captain, professing the intention of the Volcano: to take by force the Caravanian Bahamas from Thunder Son, king of Funland. Now, do not let your benefactors’ Funlandic business connections muddy your message, but speak the truth for once, so that the leaders of our caravan may have trustworthy intelligence and a clear guidance from divinity.”

Then Micaiah answered: “Listen, Pip, I speak only the word of the One True God. Whatever he tells me to say, I will say.”

So the cabin-boy waited while Honest Micaiah finished his meeting with the Select Committee of Mammon; after which they came to the captain in Persia. Now Ahab and President Fat Jehovah were standing together on the raised quarterdeck, in the caravan’s northern base; which had been constructed to resemble an 9th-century frigate; where all the prophets had been prophesying before them.

Now Honest Micaiah bowed before the presidents. And Captain Ahab said unto him: “Micaiah, tell me the word of your god. Shall we go against the Son of Thunder to battle, or shall we forbear?”

And Micaiah answered Ahab: “Go, and prosper: for the LORD shall give you the best of luck, and he shall cause everything Funlandic to become Caravanian.”

Fat Jehovah seemed impressed by this oracle, but Captain Ahab frowned and said to Micaiah: “How many times must I adjure you to tell me not what you think I desire to hear but only that which your deity has proclaimed!”

Then Honest Micaiah said: “Fine. I saw all the caravan’s forces, from both the north and the south, obliterated upon the hills, like goats that were air-bombed; and the Thunder said: ‘As I have annexed these islands, now I shall take the whole caravansary!’ Then every working-class person was exterminated.”

And Captain Ahab said unto Fat Jehovah: “Did I not tell you that he would prophesy falsely? He will speak any extreme, since chaos benefits the oligarchs. Ask him again, and he will finagle another oracle that shall be equally disconnected but every bit as sensationalistic. It’s just a schtick that he performs. Anyone can learn it. Here, listen; I’ll give you my own Micaiah-style prophecy . . .”

Then Ahab lifted his hands and lampooned Honest Micaiah’s delivery, saying:

“Hear thou the word of Mammon: I saw Almighty Mammon sitting on his throne, and all the host of heaven standing by him on his right hand and on his left. And Mammon said: ‘Who shall persuade Ahab, that he may go fight and lose the Bahamas to Funland?’ And one gave one excuse, and another gave another. Then there came forth a spirit, and stood before Mammon, and said: ‘I will persuade him.’ And Mammon said unto him, ‘Wherewith?’ And he answered: ‘I will go forth and be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets.’ And our god Mammon said, ‘Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so.’ Now therefore, behold, Mammon hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all your prophets, O Ahab, and the Most High Mammon hath spoken evil concerning you.”

This mocking speech from Captain Ahab provoked a laugh from the audience. Then a zealot from the caravan’s armed forces, a man named Simon Peter, drew his sword, and smote Micaiah, and cut off his ear. And Peter said: “Which way went the Spirit from Mammon, O Micaiah, that it could not warn you to dodge my blow? Too bad it was false, or you might have entered heaven with all your parts.”

Then said Ahab unto Peter: “No! Rockhead, sheath your sword. Don’t you see, you’re just as bad as they are, now.” And Ahab touched his ear, and healed him.

Then Micaiah said to Peter, “You just wait; someday I will find you alone. The One True God will give me vengeance.”

And Captain Ahab gave a command, saying: “Carry Simon Peter back to the brig, and let him cool off. Fetch him from thence when we go out to battle.”

And Micaiah yelled as they were taking Peter away: “If you return at all in peace, then God has not spoken by me.” And, seeing that the attention of the audience was still upon him, Honest Micaiah drew forth a scroll from his fine robe, which contained the prophecies that he had reworked from his similarly named source; and he read aloud from this, while they carried him off as well: “Hearken, O people, every one of you . . .”

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So Captain Ahab of the north caravan and President Fat Jehovah of the south went up together to the Funlandic Bahamas. And Ahab said unto Fat Jehovah: “I will disguise myself in regular camouflage upon the battlefield, so that I shall appear to be just another soldier instead of the captain of the caravan; but you, O Fat Jehovah, should proudly wear your Executive Uniform, so that everyone will be able to see that you are the president.” Thus, Ahab went to battle incognito.

But Thunder Son, the king of Funland, commanded his thirty-three czarinas that had rule over his armies, saying: “Refrain from fighting anyone other than Ahab. Don’t bother clashing swords with any soldiers, major or minor; but save all your slaughter-power for the caravan’s captain.”

Then it came to pass, when the czarinas of Thunder Son spotted Fat Jehovah on the battlefield wearing his Executive Suit, that they said: “Surely this man is the captain of the caravan.” So they turned aside to fight against him: and Fat Jehovah screamed. Then, when the Funlandic czarinas perceived that this man was not the 85 percent’s captain but only the 15 percent’s president, they turned back from pursuing him.

But there was in the Funland army a secret agent whose codename was Cupid; and, having run out of arrows, he tossed aside his bow, then clutching his harpoon he hurled it at random, and it happened to smite Captain Ahab between the scales of his armor: wherefore Ahab raised his fist, and cursed the sky. And as he spoke, he was taken up; and a cloud received him out of sight.

Now, one end of a coil of rope had been affixed to the harpoon, and the secret agent Cupid who had thrown it got tangled in the line, and the force with which the rope was pulled snapped the top of his body from the rest of his trunk: so, at its last sighting, his torn form was being dragged up after Ahab into heaven.

Then, at about the going down of the sun, there was a proclamation voiced throughout the battlefield, saying: “Every man to his own country; the war is finished. The Bahamas are returned to their rightful owner.”

Thus Metatron came and took Ahab back to the Fulness.