Ahab & Jezebel purchase a vineyard

Chapter 21

(The following episode occurred much later.)

Now it happened that a man named Mister Deed was living in the Valley of Exploding Earth. And he had a vineyard that was conveniently near the palace where Captain Ahab was living on the hill in Persia. So Ahab spoke to Mister Deed, saying: “I like your vineyard. May I purchase it? I will give you much more money than it is worth, plus a vineyard elsewhere that is even better.”

But Mister Deed said to Captain Ahab: “No. This was my father’s vineyard.”

So Ahab dropped the idea of purchasing Mister Deed’s vineyard.

Then Jezebel the wife of Captain Ahab came and said to him: “What’s up with that vineyard that you were thinking of purchasing?”

And Ahab answered his wife Jezebel and said: “Ah, its owner Mister Deed would rather not sell it, because it used to belong to his father.”

Then Jezebel the wife of Ahab said unto him: “Is that the case? Then, behold, I will acquire the vineyard from Mister Deed for you. Just watch.”

So Jezebel wrote letters inviting all the finest women in the country to a banquet; and she also sent an invitation to Mister Deed. The starting time that Jezebel wrote on the latter’s invite was an hour later than the time she wrote on the rest of the invites: she did this in order to give herself time to talk to all the female guests beforehand.

And it came to pass that all of Jezebel’s lady-friends attended her banquet, and she said unto them: “Behold, I invited also to this feast a man whose property I would like to purchase; but the problem is that this man, whose name is Mister Deed, prefers not to sell at present. Although my husband and I have already offered him far more money than is fair, plus the deeds to several vineyards of superior quality, he refuses even to think about making a deal. So here is my idea: If I could dangle before this man the prospect of sleeping on a bed with a beautiful woman, he might then forget his sentimental attachment to the vineyard and be willing to negotiate. Here is his photograph; let me know if any of you are interested in helping me.”

Then the photo of Mister Deed was passed around the banquet, and many of Jezebel’s lady-friends approached her in a huddle after viewing the picture, and they said: “We will serve as bedroom bait for your mission.”

Now the fellow Mister Deed showed up, and he took his seat at the banquet; and all the interested females were seated around him. Then Jezebel came and spoke with Mister Deed cordially, and she introduced all the damsels together with her new purchase offer. And the vineyard owner experienced a change of heart about his attachment to the property; and he readily signed the paperwork giving Jezebel and Ahab full ownership of his vineyard, in exchange for a quiet evening in bed with these women.

So Mister Deed spent that Wednesday night getting to know several maidens whom he had met through Ahab’s wife Jezebel. And they found that they were naturally suited to each other; so, they ended up courting for some months; and as soon as the time of their betrothal was fulfilled, they entered the state of matrimony: these womenfolk became Mister Deed’s legal wives. At which point, the group disrobed and engaged in the act of physical intimacy, with the intention of procreating children for the LORD their God.

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And it came to pass, when Jezebel informed her husband Ahab of her success in purchasing the vineyard, that Captain Ahab rose up and went to inspect the property and to possess it.

Now Elijah, an ex-Wizardite from Emerald City who had of late become a convert to Yahwism, met Captain Ahab as he was walking around his new vineyard; and the two greeted each other, and talked about old times.

(There was none like unto Ahab, among the presidents of the caravan. He was the only one to achieve the rank of captain.)

This chapter concludes with a picture of a trio strolling through the vineyard toward the vanishing point: Ahab on one side, and Elijah on the other, with Yahweh God in the middle of his two friends.