(Chapter 20, cont.)
And Yahweh God came to Captain Ahab and said unto him: “Keep up the good work. And remain prepared; for, at the start of January, the king of Funland will try to attack you.”
And Ahab asked him: “How do you know such precise information?”
Then Yahweh said: “I just know things. I am the volcano of potential.”
§
Back at Funland headquarters, the czarinas of the military strategy team addressed their king Thunder Son, saying: “We believe that we have discovered the caravan’s weakness. Look, their gods are gods of the hills; therefore they were able to crush us in that last battle; but let us fight against them in the plains, and surely our forces shall prove stronger than theirs. Also, do this: Remove all the princes that you have set up as officers over the troops, and replace them with sea admirals, or anyone who is able to command a ship, particularly a merchant vessel; for we have noticed that this northern division of the caravan that we are opposing traditionally chooses a president to govern its people, but in this latest instance they have elected a captain: that is this Ahab who lately humiliated us. We think it will help if we can gain parity in this respect. After that, the only thing left for you to do is to build back up your forces: reacquire an army like the army that you lost, horse for horse, and chariot for chariot: then we will fight against the caravan in the plains, and we are guaranteed the victory.”
And Thunder Son hearkened to this counsel, and he did as they said.
§
Then it came to pass, at the beginning of January, that Thunder Son gathered his Funlandic shock-troops, which he had not only replenished but multiplied tenfold; and they went up to Dublin Port, to fight against the caravan.
And the caravan’s Defense Forces were numbered, and were all present. They were small compared to the new expanded army of Thunder Son; and the people of the caravan were all slightly tired, because they had stayed up late the previous night dancing and playing. Gazing down on the battlefield from a bird’s-eye view, the surrounding Funlandic attackers looked like millions of hungry wolves filling the country, while the caravan’s forces looked like a little flock of goats.
Then Yahweh God came and spoke to Captain Ahab, and said: “I heard the strategists in the war room of Thunder Son say that I, the Volcano, am only a god of hills. For this reason, I will deliver all this great multitude into your hand, and they shall know that the LORD of Hosts does not enjoy being slighted.”
The armies then encamped against each other, and they remained there, in a state of suspense, for six days. Then, on the seventh, which was the Sabbath, the Day of Rest, both sides of shock troops instantly exploded into battle. And the forces of the caravan slew one hundred thousand Funlandic footmen on that day. The rest fled to Dublin Port, but there a huge wall happened to fall upon twenty-seven thousand of those that were left.
So Thunder Son the king of Funland ran for cover, and he came into the city, into an inner chamber. There, his personal attendants said to him: “Behold now, we have heard that the wayfarers of the caravan are merciful: let us therefore try putting sackcloth on our loins, and ropes on our heads, to signify that we realize we’ve been beat, and go out and bow to the captain of the caravan: perhaps he will spare our lives.”
So they did this, and came to Captain Ahab and said: “Your slave Thunder Son begs for you to let him live.”
And Ahab answered: “Is the Son of Thunder yet alive? Tell him we welcome him into the caravan as our brother. Go fetch him and bring him here; I will bless his heart.”
Then Thunder Son came out from under the wheelbarrow where he was hiding, and Ahab greeted him with an embrace, and invited him up into his chariot. And Ahab said: “Thunder Son, it is really you! I thought the wall had smashed you flat. Well, what have you to say for yourself, my brother?”
And the Son of Thunder, king of Funland, answered and said: “The cities, which my father took from your father, I will restore; and, within our capital, we will allow you to set up as many general or specialized shops as you like, to sell your whale oil and your perfume: you can establish your own wholesalers, apothecaries, industrial supply stores, high-end goods retailers, fisheries, or any other venues that you desire.”
Then Ahab said to the Son of Thunder: “I will sign this covenant with you.” So he made a contract with the king of Funland, and sent him away.
§
Now Yahweh God had watched the whole battle from his hill. He had been able to see everything clearly, since all the fighting took place on the plains below. Then, when the slaughter ended, and he saw Captain Ahab meet with Thunder Son in his chariot, and he perceived that they entered into a covenant together, the god Yahweh arose from the place where he had been watching, and he went down into the plains. And when he met one of the soldiers who was returning from the fray, he stopped the man and said to him: “Smite me, please.” But the man refused to smite him. Then Yahweh said to this soldier: “Because you have not obeyed the volcano of potential, behold, as soon as you have departed from me, a lion shall eat you.” And as soon as the soldier had departed from the LORD, a lion came and devoured him. Then Yahweh God approached another soldier who was leaving the battlefield, and he said: “Smite me, please.” And the man, who had just seen what happened to the earlier soldier, swung his ax and struck deep into the flesh of this stranger’s arm, leaving a ghastly wound.
Then Yahweh went and waited for Captain Ahab by the way. And, seeing him coming towards that place, he tied his mantle around his eyes, as a blindfold (just as he had seen Elijah do earlier at Sinai), because he desired to disguise himself while he spoke a parable to Ahab.
So, as the captain drew near, the hairy blindfolded wild man cried out and said: “Ah, my arm, my arm. O captain, give ear to a poor injured soldier. For I have a matter to tell you.”
And Ahab stopped and said: “Speak on.”
Then the disguised Volcano took up a dark oracle, and said: “I am a warrior from the caravan; a veteran of today’s battle, as you can see by this wound on my arm. I went out into the midst of the fighting; and, behold, my comrade came and brought the enemy commander unto me, and said: ‘Hold this man till I return – beware, he is dangerous; for his father is the Storm Itself. Do not allow him to escape; and avoid signing any contract with him, even if he promises to let you sell your whale oil in his country’s marketplace. If you thus carelessly befriend him, and set him free, then I will require you to pay for your folly.’ So, securing the enemy commander within my grip, I answered my comrade, saying: ‘You can trust me to keep this evil man in my custody. If I allow him to walk away, then take my life.’ But, after my comrade left, the enemy commander spoke soft words to me, and he beguiled me, so I made a deal with him, and allowed him to return to his country. – Now I implore you, Ahab Sir, since you are the caravan’s highest judge: Please allow me to dodge the consequences of my action.”
Upon hearing this account, Captain Ahab grew enraged, and he answered the hairy blindfolded wild man, saying: “Your judgment shall be as you yourself have decided it, when you said: ‘If this enemy goes free, I shall surely die.’ Therefore you must be crucified as a traitor, for I will in no wise pardon your crime. And now your blood be upon your own head.”
At this point, the soldier removed the mantle that was blindfolding him. Then Ahab discerned the man’s goat eyes; and immediately the captain knew his own fault.
But Yahweh said unto him: “You have let go out of your hand a man whom I aim to oust from power. And when you thought that you had caught me doing the same, you condemned me and would not be lenient. But my ways are not as your ways: I am merciful, so I forgive your error. I only desired to provoke you with this parable, to make you think.”
And Ahab the captain of the caravan embraced the LORD; then returned in a meditative mood to his hill in Persia.
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