Chapter 3
The caravan’s relationship with the country of Egypt had changed, over the years. In the days of Moses, the Volcano led the workforce out of Egypt by turning their rivers to blood, plaguing the Egyptians with frogs, lice, flies, and painful boils; killing the Egyptians’ livestock with pestilence, destroying the Egyptians’ crops with hail and locusts; then casting the whole country of Egypt into pitch darkness, and finally murdering all the Egyptian firstborn, both humans and beasts. But now, in the time of President Solomon, the caravan became allied to Egypt: for Solomon married the daughter of Egypt’s Pharaoh, and brought her to live with him in Eldorado.
At this time, President Solomon was working on three construction projects: (1) building his own house, (2) building a house for Yahweh, and (3) building a wall around Sweet Beulah Land.
Since there was no Perma-Tent for the Volcano, everyone simply threw feasts on high places, and grilled on hills, to worship Yahweh Peor, in those days.
And the president went to Dunster Street in Cambridge, to have a cookout; for there was a great high place there. A thousand steaks did Solomon grill on that altar.
Then, when Solomon spent the night in the clubhouse that was there, Yahweh appeared to him in a dream by night; and the god said: “Make a wish. Ask me for anything, and I will give it to you.”
Solomon said: “Just one wish? OK, let me think. Well, I’m glad that you elected me to be president instead of my father; and now that I’m the holder of the highest office in the land, there’s no remaining power that I need to grasp. But I’m still a young man who’s inexperienced: I have no idea how the world works; meanwhile, I am supposed to rule over this great multitude of people. So here is my wish: I desire for you to give me an understanding heart to make wise judgments.”
Now it pleased Yahweh that Solomon had wished like this. And the god said unto him: “You could have asked for long life, or riches, or for me to destroy your enemies; but instead you asked for discernment to judge righteously. Therefore, behold, I have granted your wish: I have given you a wise and understanding heart. No one has ever been like you before, and no one shall ever be like you again. Also, as bonuses, I have given you the other things that you did not ask for: riches, honor, and longevity.”
Then Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream. So he went back to Eldorado, and visited the Tabernacle of Potential, and he grilled many steaks.
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Then two whores came and stood before the president. And the first whore said: “Mister President, I and this whore here dwell in the same apartment; and on Monday I crouched down and gave birth to a child while she was in the room. Then, three days later, she, my roommate, crouched down and gave birth to a child in the same room. Now, we were the only people in the apartment: just us two whores and our newborns. Then, overnight, while we were sleeping, her baby died, because she rolled on top of it. At that point, she snuck over in the dark and stole my baby from beside me, while I was asleep, and kept it in her bosom, and placed her dead babe at my side. So when I woke in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I looked closer at the babe, it was not the child that I had borne.”
And the other whore said: “False! this whore is lying. The living child is mine; hers is the dead one.”
Then the first whore said: “No, my child is the live one, and yours is dead. You smothered it.”
Thus they argued before the president. Then the president replied: “Let me summarize your case. The both of you graduated from Harlot College on the same day. You fell in love, and took lodging together, and lived as roommates. You ended up impregnating each other. Later, you both crouched down on the carpet of your shared apartment, and at once gave birth to a pair of healthy infants. That night, being whores, you slept together; and your children were napping in a crib beside the bed. While locked in a passionate embrace, you two ended up rolling together off the mattress and knocking over the crib, causing one of your children to fly out and hit the hardwood floor. On impact, that infant gave up the ghost. You then tossed this tiny corpse back and forth like a hot potato, while your living child, still napping, wandered out of the room. One question would be: Shouldn’t a baby first learn to crawl before he masters the art of sleepwalking? But, putting that aside, the crux of the issue is that each of you desires sole custody of your remaining heir. One of you says: ‘My son lives, your son is dead,’ while the other one says: ‘No, your son died, mine is alive.’ Here is my verdict. Bring me a sword.”
And the whores brought the president a sword.
Then the president said: “Divide the living child in two; then each of you take the half that you prefer. That seems fair; is it not?”
Then the first whore shrieked and said: “O my lord, stop this cruel joke! Just give her the whole child alive, and in no wise divide it.” But the other said: “No, split the lad, then we each get our share – just make sure they’re equal slices. And perform the cut lengthwise: don’t part it at the waist, otherwise we’ll fight over heads or tails.”
Then the president answered and said: “Give the child to the whore who said ‘Don’t chop it up.’ She is the true mother. Or, if she isn’t, she should be. The other one lacks compassion; I would feel awful awarding custody to a mother who has no compunctions about slaughtering her own infant. That you could be willing to permit such an act, just to settle a legal dispute, I find morally repugnant. I’m frankly a little uneasy with my own mind for being able to think the idea. But that’s what happens, when one dreams that Lord Yahweh has blessed one’s brain with perfect judgment: one’s eyes fall open, and one becomes as God, knowing good and evil.”
Now all the populace of the caravan heard of the president’s judicial decision; and they feared the president, for they saw that his powers were not only limited to heading the executive branch of government but that he was basically their entire legislature, plus the judge and jury, all in one.
And the whore who had welcomed Solomon’s severing suggestion was made an officer of the shock-troops under Top Thug Zalmon A‑hole.
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