Chapter 2
Now the time came for President David to die. So he summoned Solomon his son, and charged him, saying:
“Look, I am going the way of all the earth. You be strong, therefore, and prove yourself a man. There are just a few items of importance that I wish you to mind:
“First, never forget what Joab the Godfather did to me, and what he did to the two commanders of our Defense Forces, Captain Subnerd and Captain Amerigo: he slew them, and shed the blood of war in peacetime, so that there was blood smeared on his girdle about his loins, and blood was spattered all over his shoes. Act therefore in accordance with your wisdom, and let not his white head go down to the grave in peace.
“However, show kindness unto the descendants of the great god Zilla, that colossal reptile that lives in the ocean, who was my friend, and whom I loved dearly. His fiery breath warmed the cockles of my heart. Make sure that his children always have a place at your table; because he came and helped me, and gave me support, when I fled from your brother Absalom’s insurgency.
“You must also deal with that one they call Shock Jock: he cursed me with grievous curses on the day I crossed the Potomac into Mount Olivet; but then, when my exile was over, once favor had returned, he came down to meet me at the Great Basin Rainforest, and I swore an oath to Yahweh that I would spare his life. Now therefore you must not hold him guiltless; for you are a wise man, you can discern what ought to be done: treat him however it seems right to you, only bring his white hairs down to the grave with blood.”
Then David breathed his last, and was buried in Eagan, Eldorado.
So David was president of the caravan for forty years, total: seven years in the Black Lodge of the Chaos Buffer Zone, and thirty-three years in Sweet Beulah Land. He was unique in that every instant of his presidency was contested: at no time was David ever free of some fresh challenger claiming an alternate presidency elsewhere. (A fitting hallmark, as he was the first of such usurpers.)
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Now David’s son Solomon sat at the executive desk, and he firmly established himself as the caravan’s president.
And David’s eldest son, Solomon’s big brother Jordache (born Lord Jah), after giving up his claim to the presidency, came and stood before Solomon’s mother Bath-sheba. And when Bath-sheba beheld this man who so recently tried to nab her son’s presidency for himself, she said to Jordache: “Did you come here peaceably?”
And he said: “Yes, peaceably.” And he added: “I have something to ask you.”
And she said: “Say on.”
Then Jordache said: “You know that the presidency was mine, and that all the populace of the caravan supported me, and they had already voted me into office, and anointed me (which is why my identity card now lists me as an official Messiah); howbeit, the country got turned about, and now your son, my little brother, is president: he claims that Yahweh elected him. Anyway, that’s water under the bridge now; I’m not here to contest that. All I have is one petition to ask of you: deny me not.”
And Bath-sheba said: “Say on.”
And he said: “I pray that you speak unto President Solomon (for he will not refuse a request from you, his own mother) – ask him to give me that underage beauty whom David always kept in the covers with him: Jane Doe the Shulamite. I would like to marry her. For all the people of the caravan were accustomed to seeing the girl always at David’s side, wrapped up under the blankets with him, during the final days of his presidency; and if she now becomes my wife, then folks might make the mental connection between President David and me, his eldest son, Jordache, who in any normal case would be the rightful heir to his legacy. This would help to boost my self-esteem, which has sorely diminished since Solomon your son stole the election.”
And Bath-sheba said: “OK, I will speak to the president for you.”
Bath-sheba therefore went to see her son, President Solomon, to speak to him on Jordache’s behalf. And the president rose up to meet her, and bowed himself unto her, and sat behind his executive desk; then he instructed one of his interns to fetch a chair for his mother, and he sat her before him. Then she said:
“I desire one small petition of you, my son; I pray you, do not deny me.”
And the president said unto her: “Ask on, dear mother; I will not say you nay.”
And she said: “Let Jane Doe the Shulamite be given unto your brother Jordache for a wife.”
Then President Solomon stood up aghast and said to his mother: “And why do you ask Jane Doe the Shulamite for Jordache!? Why not request for him the presidency as well! for he is my superior, in the family line. Yes, let’s simply hand over the caravan to Jordache’s regime: to that android Man, and to Joab the Godfather.” Then President Solomon swore to God, saying: “May Yahweh blot me, if Jordache does not pay for this insolence with his life. As the Volcano lives, which has established me firmly behind the desk of my father David, and anointed me president, Jordache shall be crucified this afternoon.”
Then President Solomon summoned to a private meeting his father’s thug Zalmon A-hole. Then the latter fell upon Jordache and crucified him, and set up over his head a sign saying: “THIS IS JORDACHE THE PRESIDENT OF THE CARAVAN.” So he died.
And unto the robo-butler Man, the president said: “Go back to your estate in the Benjamin Franklin Piazza, and tend to your fields; for although you are worthy of death, I will not at this time have you hanged, because you helped to carry the Volcano’s Ark of Remembrance before David my father, and because you suffered many hardships along with my father.”
So Solomon drove out Man the robo-butler; and he placed at the east of the Black House a pair of stone gargoyles whose gullets gushed saltwater: these were intended to have a scarecrow effect on the android, and prevent his ever returning to the Oblong Office.
Then news of Jordache’s death reached Joab the Godfather; he had turned away from Solomon to support Jordache; so, fearing retaliation for this choice, Joab fled to the Tabernacle of Potential, and took refuge in the Asylum Seekers Waiting Room.
President Solomon was informed of Joab’s whereabouts; so he sent his thug Zalmon A-hole after him, saying: “Go, fall upon him.”
And the massive thug Zalmon A-hole came to the Volcano’s tabernacle, and said unto Joab the Godfather: “Come forth.” And Joab answered: “Nay; but I will die here. You can’t molest me, for this is the Asylum Seekers Waiting Room.”
So Zalmon A-hole went back to the president, saying: “Thus said Joab: ‘I will remain here as a seeker of asylum, you cannot touch me, I shall die here.’” And the president answered: “Do just as he said: Let him die there. Strike him down, and bury him. By this means, you shall atone for the innocent blood that Joab has shed: for he slew Captain Subnerd and Captain Amerigo.”
So the massive thug Zalmon A-hole went and invaded the Asylum Seekers Waiting Room, and fell upon Joab the Godfather, and slew him, and buried him in the wilderness.
Then the president gave Joab’s position of Shock Troop Captain to Zalmon A-hole, and he became Solomon’s Top Thug. And the president also replaced the robo-butler Man with the robo-bellboy Nicholas.
Then the president sent for the fellow named Shock Jock, and he said unto him: “You may dwell in Sweet Beulah Land, but never go anyplace else. If you venture beyond the Potomac River, you shall surely die.”
And Shock Jock answered the president: “Your saying is good. As you have instructed, so will I do.” And Shock Jock dwelt there many days.
But it came to pass at the end of three years, that Shock Jock’s puppy ran away; then Shock Jock received a phone call from Nosferatu the Admiral of the Abyss, saying: “I found your dog; your name and number were on his collar. Come and fetch him. I’m in the Abyss.”
So Shock Jock arose and went and retrieved his pet from Nosferatu; then returned to Sweet Beulah Land.
And it was told Solomon that Shock Jock had left Eldorado to fetch his lost puppy from the Abyss. So the president summoned Shock Jock, and said unto him: “How did you manage to bring back your pet from the beyond? Have you violated our agreement, whereof I commanded you never to vacate Eldorado? Did I not say: on the day that you leave this place, you will die? And did you not acquiesce, saying: ‘Your word is good, O Lord, and I will do as you instruct?’”
So the president commanded Zalmon A-hole his Top Thug, who went out and fell upon Shock Jock, and he died. Thus the presidency was established in the hand of Solomon.
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