Chapter 1
Now President David was elderly and decrepit, and no matter how many blankets they wrapped around him, he still felt cold. Therefore, the staffers at the Black House said to him: “We will go search through the nearby trailer parks and other impoverished areas of your Empire, until we find a gorgeous underage virgin: then let her disrobe and pose before you, and if you approve of her, we will compel her to lie under your blankets with you, to keep you warm.”
So they sought for such a damsel throughout all the coasts of the caravan, and found a Shulamite named Jane Doe, and brought her to the president. The girl was very fair; and she became the president’s bedmate, never leaving his side. Night and day, she stayed underneath the blankets with David, and continually waited upon him: yet their relationship remained chaste.
§
Then President David’s eldest son, whose name was Lord Jah, but whom everyone called Jordache because his mustache resembled the river Jordan, exalted himself, saying: “I will be president.” And he prepared chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him in a parade, holding banners that proclaimed: “Jordache is the New President of the Caravan.”
And his father David did not at any time discourage Jordache from doing this, because Jordache was an extremely handsome man (recall that he sported a Jordan mustache). Moreover, since Absalom died, Jordache was the oldest of the president’s children, and therefore he was the traditional heir to the presidency; so the idea of Jordache taking over the caravansary’s leadership was not farfetched.
Jordache conferred with David’s Top Thug Joab, and with Man the robo-butler (who, having a computer mind, could remember all the details of the legal code, as well as the pertinent passages from the Caravan’s Constitution); and they supported Jordache’s campaign and aided him.
But Nicholas the robo-bellboy, and Zalmon A-hole (David’s thug who killed a lion in a pit when it was snowing, and who killed a big strong Egyptian with his own spear for no reason), and Shock Jock, and a guy named Rei (the improper spelling of Ray), and many of the mercenaries and filibusters which were on President David’s payroll, did not support Jordache for president.
Now President Jordache threw a feast for Yahweh, at the cooking station known affectionately as the Wise Serpent’s Grill, which is at the Fountain of Elroy (that place in the wilderness where Ishmael’s mother Hagar the Egyptian was blessed by Yahweh over and above her mistress Sarah); and Jordache invited all his brethren the president’s sons, plus all the supporters of David from among his legions of gangsters; but President Jordache did not send an invitation to David’s thug Zalmon A-hole, or to Jordache’s own little brother Solomon.
Therefore the thug Zalmon A-hole spoke unto Bath-sheba the mother of Solomon, saying: “Have you not heard that Jordache the son of David’s wife Hera, who is the wife of Zeus, has been claiming to be the next president already? I don’t think David even knows that there was an election. Was there an election? Instead of pondering that right now, let me tell you what you should do, so that you can save your own life and the life of your offspring Solomon. Go and visit your husband David, and say unto him: ‘Did you not, Mister President, swear to me that our son Solomon shall be your heir, and that he shall therefore inherit the popular vote of the presidency? Why then does your eldest son Jordache claim to be the latest prez?’ – That’s what you should say. And then, lo, while you are yet speaking that speech to President David, I also will come into the room after you, and confirm your words.”
So Bath-sheba went in to the president’s chamber, in the Oblong Office of the Black House. Now, remember: President David was very old, and Jane Doe was ministering to him under his many-colored blankets.
And Bath-sheba bowed, and did obeisance unto the president. And President David said: “What do you want?”
And she said unto him: “O dear Sir, you swore by Yahweh Peor the Volcano, saying that assuredly my son Solomon shall have the next term, after your presidency concludes. You told me this while you were kissing me one night, early in those days when you were so in love with me that you would never leave my side. I wish I had, at that time, possessed the presence of mind to force you to sign an official confession binding yourself to your statement; but, alas, I did not: All I have is your verbal assurance. But you did say that Solomon would get to be the next president. Yet now, behold, Jordache is signing executive orders left and right; and now, O my dear Sir, you don’t seem to be aware of this brash usurpation within the caravan, because you’re so cold all the time, and you spend your attention on Jane Doe here. Are you listening even now? Look: I have these photographs showing Jordache grilling oxen, fat cattle, and sheep in abundance: he has thrown a feast to Yahweh, and invited the android Man who is our robo-butler and ark-bearer, plus Joab the Godfather who is captain of your Defense Force, as well as all your sons, Mister President; but the one person whom Jordache has not invited to this feast is our boy Solomon, his very own brother and your rightful heir. Therefore, Mister President, O Sir, the eyes of the entire caravan are upon you: everyone is waiting for you to reveal your true successor; perhaps you should go and give a speech declaring your official choice for the subsequent president. Otherwise, it shall happen that, when you go down to Sheol, your son Solomon and I shall be labeled as traitors, then slain.”
Now, behold, as Bath-sheba was thus pleading with President David, there came an announcement from his staffers, saying: “Zalmon A-hole is here to see you.”
Then the thug Zalmon A-hole came in and bowed before the president. And he said: “O Sir, Mister President, have you made an announcement recently, which I might have missed, declaring that your son Jordache shall be your successor? Because that man is, this instant, grilling oxen and fat cattle and sheep in abundance, and he has invited all your sons, and all the captains of your armies, as well as that android Man the robot waiter; and, behold, they are all eating and drinking and making merry, and they keep chanting: ‘God preserve Jordache our new president.’ But I myself was not invited to this party, and neither was your wisest son Solomon. So my question is: Did you have any part in this deceptive injustice? Is it true that you’ve chosen your eldest, this Jordache, the mustachioed fashion model, to be your heir? If so, I’m confused, because I thought that you planned on letting Solomon win the popular vote.”
Then President David answered and said: “Summon my wife Bath-sheba back into the room.” And she returned and stood before David. And the president swore, and said: “As Yahweh lives, who has always rescued me from unlucky situations, I hereby declare that assuredly Solomon shall win the hearts and minds of the population, immediately after my own term ends. He shall sit at this desk when I am gone. This I will guarantee by signing an executive order, without further delay.” And he scribbled his signature onto some parchment.
Then Bath-sheba bowed in reverence to the president, and said: “Let my God President David live forever.”
§
After he had taken some time to process this news and devise a plan of action, President David said to his staff: “Get Nicholas the robo-bellboy on the phone. Make it a conference call: ring up Yahweh as well, and Zalmon A-hole, the one who killed the snow leopard.”
And when the parties were all on the line, President David instructed as follows: “I want all of you to take some of my loyal shock troops with you, and cause my dear boy Solomon to ride upon my own mule, and bring him down to the Potomac; there, let Nicholas and Yahweh anoint him president of the caravan: and blow ye the war trump, and shout: ‘God bless President Solomon.’ Then march after him, and let him come and sit here in my chair, at this desk in the Oblong Office; for he shall be appointed the next fairly elected leader of the nation: and I have declared him to be the people’s favorite, and the winner of the poll for most popular hero of the caravan. Also let it be published that he has a high approval rating.”
And Zalmon A-hole answered the president, and said: “Amen. And the Lord Yahweh of my God the president says so too (he told me to tell you; for he had to click over and answer another call). May the regime of Solomon the son of Bath-sheba be even greater than the administration of David.”
So Nicholas the robo-bellboy, and Yahweh, and Zalmon A-hole, and David’s paramilitaries and mercenaries and filibusters, went down, and caused Solomon to ride upon President David’s mule, and brought him to Sweet Beulah Land. And Nicholas the robo-bellboy took an horn of oil out of the Tabernacle of Potential, and anointed Solomon. And they blew the trumpet, while saying: “God bless President Solomon.” Then all the attendees of the ceremony came up and piped with pipes, and rejoiced with great joy, so that the intensity of their cheering caused the earth to crack wide open.
§
Meanwhile, Jordache and all the guests that were at the celebration of his presidency noticed the noise coming from Solomon’s inauguration, just as they were finishing dinner. And when Joab the Godfather heard the sound of the war trump, he said: “Why is the city in an uproar so that the earth is cracking apart?”
And while he was speaking, behold, Racecar Rob ran forth with news to deliver; and Jordache said unto him: “Come in, join our feast; for you are a valiant man, and you bring good tidings.”
And Racecar Rob answered and said to Jordache the president: “Verily, President David has declared that the caravan elected Solomon as the president. And the president has sent with him Nicholas the robo-bellboy, and Yahweh God, and Zalmon A-hole, and all David’s paramilitaries, mercenaries, and filibusters, and they have caused Solomon to ride upon the president’s own mule: and Nicholas the robo-bellboy and Lord Yahweh have anointed him officially in Sweet Beulah Land: and they have come up from the Potomac rejoicing, so that in sheer happiness the earth cracked open, and orange magma gushed out. This is the loud noise that you have heard. And now Solomon sits in the Oblong Office of the Black House, in the executive chair, at David’s desk, and he holds in his hand the presidential pen. Additionally, the administration and all the chiefs of staff came to bless our lord President David, saying ‘God make the name of Solomon even better than your own, and make his legacy pass your legacy.’ Then the president bowed himself upon the bed, and there was a nymphet with him under the covers; and he said: ‘Praise Yahweh the Volcano of the caravan, which has given me a successor to take over the presidency while I am still alive to see it.’”
Hearing all this, the guests who were there at the feast for Jordache’s presidency became filled with fright; and they rose up, and scattered every soul to the winds.
From that moment, Jordache was terrified of Solomon. He arose, and went, and took a seat in the Asylum Seekers Waiting Room. This was reported to Solomon by one of the attendants there, who said: “Behold, Jordache is terrified of President Solomon; for, lo, he has taken a seat in our facility, thus ensuring himself temporary protection from punishment, and he says: ‘Let President Solomon swear unto me today that he will not execute me for treason.’”
And Solomon answered, with regard to his brother Jordache: “If he behaves well, then not a hair shall fall from his head; only if he attempts to commit an offense, he shall die.”
So President Solomon sent an aide to fetch Jordache from the Asylum Seekers Waiting Room; and he came and bowed himself before President Solomon; and President Solomon allowed his brother to return home.
No comments:
Post a Comment