Chapter 23
Now here are the last words of President David:
I am David, Yahweh’s forever-curse. I am the man who is raised up so high that I make Heaven look like Hell. I am way up here, and Heaven is way down there. I am the anointed: the one and ONLY. The sweet psalmist of the caravan.
The spirit of the Volcano spoke though me: it broke forth out of me, and his word was in my tongue. The God of the outcasts shouted from my face, and the rock of doom bellowed out on my breath. And what did he say? He said: I am the final judge.
I am the light of the morning. I am the sun that rises. I am the morning without clouds. The tender grass springing out of the earth by clear shining after rain.
God lives in my house. Yahweh made me an everlasting covenant: His contract with me cannot be broken; and I don’t have to do anything to uphold my end of it: it’s pure promises, and good luck from here on out. Sunshine for me, all along the way; but blackness for you. I get salvation, and you get damned. I feel so much desire, and I get to spend it however I want, and God will never count it as sin. God makes me grow and grow, so large!
But anyone who dislikes me shall be like twigs burnt up. I hate enemies: they are like thorns on a flower stem, because you cannot hold them comfortably in your hand, but the man that touches them must be wearing iron gloves and carrying loaded firearms; and I’ll put my boots on with the spikes on the sole, and stomp you underfoot.
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Now here is a list of David’s thugs, along with some of the amazing feats they accomplished:
Adino Eznite. He threw his spear at eight hundred people, and it killed them all.
Aho Dodo. Once upon a time, when David’s filibusters met a school of Sea People, all of David’s other thugs ran away, but Aho Dodo smote them all until his hand went numb; thus his hand could not release its grip on the sword, because it had cramped up from seizing the hilt so tightly. Then, after everyone was dead, all the other thugs returned to take the spoil.
Shammah Agee. There were farmers farming a plot of lentils. Shammah Agee came and stood in the middle of the plot and slew them all. That day, the Lord God wrought a great victory.
One day, David was in the Cave of Aladdin, on the side of Mount Purgatory; and the police were searching for David, to arrest him for certain crimes. David grew thirsty and said: “Oh how I wish that I had a glass of water.” So three of his roughest thugs, who were there in the cave with him, ran out and broke into one of the local residences, and they slew the family who lived there, and took a glass of water, and returned to David. Nevertheless, David refused to accept the cup; instead, he poured it out on the ground, and said: “I will not partake: this cup is the blood of the New Testament: whosoever drinks it shall be guilty of the blood of Christ. (See 1st Corinthians 11:25-27.) I accept only the Original Testament: for I AM the Christ, the Anointed One of Lord Yahweh.”
And Moe, the brother of Larry, was one of the top thugs of David. He lifted up his spear against three hundred civilians and slew them all: it went right through their belly and out their back.
Zalmon A-hole. This man did lots of acts. He killed two Moabites. He also went down into a pit and killed a lion when it was snowing. And he murdered an Egyptian who was handsome and strong: Zalmon, totally unarmed, walks up to the guy, plucks the spear right out of his hand, and slays the guy on the spot. For no reason whatsoever.
And I can’t forget Larry the brother of Moe and Joab David’s Top Thug.
The rest of these guys don’t have any stories associated with them, so I’ll just list them in one big clump – have fun pronouncing their names:
Shammah Harod, Lika Harod, Helez Paltite, Ira Ikee Tekko, Abiezer Anathoth, Mebunny Hushthong, Macaroni the Neptunefish, Healthy Banana Bread, Pyrite Wife, Benny Jerry Kabzeel, Napoleon Bonaparte, Ittai the Gittite, Ribbit Rabbit the Carrot Frog Hybrid, Pirate Ship, Dorothea Brooke, Gladhand Abi-Abo Abba-Aza Vezza-Messa the Barhum, Dream Machine, Taco Tuesday, Eloi-Eloi Lama Sabachthani, Shillbonn Jashen, Shammah Jammy Hairball, Aha! Aha! Aha!, Elephant Alphabet, Metal Petal Shardong, Butterscotch Sundae, Parisian Overbite, Igal “Evil Eagle” Igor, Nathan Zobah, Bani Gad, Zelek Beermug, Zero Ammo, Iran Iraq Nympho Alto Phone Sax, and Mariah the Wind: thirty-seven thugs in all.
Chapter 24
Then Yahweh in his role as Adversary permitted Belial to come and persuade David on behalf of the creditors to take a census of the people, so that the creditors could figure out how much to charge everyone for rents, fees, tolls, interest, and other honesties. Thus was David coerced to number all the people that he now presided over: from his own thuggish supporters to all the wayfarers of the caravansary.
So President David said to Joab the captain of his filibusters: “Go through all the places in Eldorado, from New Dublin to Roman Fountain Seven, and count all the people. Then come back and tell me what you got for a total.”
And Joab said to the president: “What? But why? For if Yahweh your god were to multiply the populace an hundredfold, you would be able to see them: there are a lot of people; that’s all you need to know. Why waste time tallying?”
But David gave him an evil look, so Joab reluctantly left and went out to number the people of the caravan:
He passed over the Great Basin Rainforest, and started counting on the Distant Shores, continuing leftward across the great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River, through Chinatown Plaza in Las Vegas, and toward the Land of Oz where it borders the Himalayan Mountains. Then he came to Emerald City, and the grounds of Cornel University; and over to the Kegs of Dartmouth, and around the Crystal Cabinet of the Mirror Maze, where the Bonobo Folk are said to play.
In short, Joab went everywhere. It took him nine months and twenty days to perform his count, which is exactly how long it takes to gestate a baby. Then Joab told the totals to the president, saying: “There are within the caravan eight hundred thousand valiant men, plus five hundred thousand.”
And President David said: “Eight hundred thousand valiant, and then five hundred thousand who are not valiant?”
And Joab answered and said: “No, both numbers are of valiant men. I just forgot to say it the second time.”
And David said: “So, why not just tell me: There are thirteen hundred thousand people, in sum?”
And David’s Top Thug Joab answered: “Those are the two totals that I arrived at; for I counted first from the Great Basin to the Distant Shores, and then I went back and started a second count from the opposite direction: heading from Chinatown Plaza toward Oz where it borders the Himalayas. I should have added both numbers for you beforehand, to avoid confusion. Sorry about that.”
And President David said: “That’s OK. At least we know how many people I am presiding over now.”
And Joab answered: “Well, the number I gave you is only the valiant men.”
And David narrowed his eyes and said: “But I thought you just told me that there was no separate group of those who are non-valiant.”
And Joab the Godfather said: “No, what I mean is, my count does not include any women or children.”
David rolled his eyes and said: “Well then add the number of women and children to the total, and give me that!”
But Joab said: “Um, that’s a problem, for I did not count the women or children. To get those figures, I would need to go back and redo the entire tally. I just thought you were wondering how many valiant men of fighting age we have.”
So David’s heart smote him after that he had attempted this census. And he went back to Belial and said: “I cannot give you accurate numbers of the people; my administration is too incompetent.” Then Belial answered and said: “The overlords of the Creditor Class will not stand to be treated so contemptuously. Now you must answer to Mammon. His seer will see you in the morning.”
Then, on the morrow, when David woke, he received a visit from Almighty Gosh, Mammon’s seer. And Gosh said unto the president: “Thus saith Mammon. Because you have displeased me, when you neglected to provide my creditors with accurate info about your populace, I offer you an option of three punishments; choose one, that I may do it unto you.”
And David interjected and said: “Gosh? Where have I heard that name? Are you the one they call ‘The Gosh of the Gentiles’?”
And Almighty Gosh answered and said: “I am the seer of Mammon. There is neither Gentile nor Israelite, there is neither ownership nor liberty: for all are indentured servants under Mammon. (Galatians 3:28) Mammon is the creditor to whom all are indebted; and there is no forgiveness, only punishment.”
And David said: “Oh, Gosh. I understand. Alright, what are my options?”
And Almighty Gosh, the seer of Mammon, said unto David: “You have three choices of evil. Choice One: Seven years of famine come to your land. Choice Two: You spend three months suffering attacks from extraterrestrial invaders. Choice Three: Your population endures three days of pestilence. Select your punishment wisely; then I will return to him that sent me.”
And David said unto Gosh: “I am in a great straight, for this is a very hard decision. I guess I’ll pick the last punishment: Choice Three, the pestilence; because I know that my god Yahweh the Volcano owns all diseases and plagues, so at least your boss Mammon will need to outsource the evil, and sign a subcontract for the curse through our caravan’s deity, who might be merciful to us. For Yahweh’s will is bendable; unlike your strict, severe Mammon, who is a stickler for law, and who will never forgive anything, no: instead, he requires a spotless savior to sacrifice innocent blood so that the offences of others may be obscured; then, adding insult to injury, he calls this barbaric habit ‘perfect justice.’ On the contrary, our Volcano is responsive to prayer, conversation, meditation, and changes in mind or behavior: at least in theory. So, I’d much rather fall into the hand of my god Yahweh than into the hand of any other man, especially if that man is one of your creditors.”
So Mammon sent a pestilence upon the caravan. It started the next morning and continued all the way until the time appointed. And there died among the populace seventy thousand valiant men.
Now when the jinni whom Yahweh employed to accomplish this destruction started spraying the pestilence out from his plague-distributer, Yahweh immediately regretted contracting to perform this terror; and he yelled to the jinni who was plaguing the populace: “Desist! That is enough: stop administering the sickness.” And the place where the jinni was standing when Yahweh restricted him was the future site of the Hairy One’s Perma-Tent.
And President David cursed Mammon when he saw the jinni that smote the populace, and he said: “Lo, I have been a bondservant of your class since my earliest days in politics; but these goatlings, what have they done to deserve such torment? Why must you always punish the innocent? You should focus your wrath upon bosses like me who deserve it: chasten the chieftains, not the people!”
§
Then Gosh the seer of Mammon came later that day to President David, and said unto him: “Why not take out a loan and buy that plot of land where you saw the jinni stop, so that you can dedicate it to becoming the future site of the Hairy One’s Perma-Tent? For, at present, our records show that your deity still resides in a tabernacle. You should invest in a more lasting abode to shelter your Living God.”
So David, beguiled by the tactics of Almighty Gosh, went up and met with loan officers from various financial institutions.
Now there was a wayfarer from the caravan who had farmed the plot of land in question from time immemorial; and this man, whose name was Adonai, came out and saw the president surveying the property, and he bowed to David with his face upon the ground. And President David recognized the man, and forbade him from bowing, and said unto him: “Adonai, get up, stop groveling: for I am thy fellowservant, and of thy brethren the prophets, and of them which keep the sayings of Lord Yahweh: worship only the volcano of potential.”
And Adonai answered President David and said: “But why, O Lord God of Heaven, are you out here inspecting my farmland?”
And David said: “I wish to purchase this plot from you: I intend to use it as the foundation of a more firmly rooted dwelling place for our Volcano. He told me that he doesn’t need a better house than his current tent, but I think that when he sees the structure I plan to build, he’ll change his mind. I’d like at least to get the project started; I’ll probably end up passing on the actual construction to my heir.”
Then Adonai said to President David: “O please, take the land: it’s yours; I’ll donate it gladly – how could I charge for such a thing! Behold, I have oxen here to sacrifice: we should dedicate the site properly with a feast to Yahweh.”
And President David said unto Adonai: “No, no: I have already completed the paperwork on a line of credit, so I can make you a generous offer. The funding is secure, don’t worry. My financial advisors tell me that I shouldn’t give our god Yahweh a sacrifice that cost me nothing.” So David gave an undisclosed amount of money to Adonai, in return for the deed to the site of the Hairy One’s Perma-Tent.
And to mark the site until he had time to begin the construction work, David set up there a molten image of Yahweh, patterned after the statue that King Bryan installed on the Ark of Remembrance. So Almighty Gosh went back to rest, and Mammon was appeased, and Yahweh seemed to be content with these developments. Moreover, the pestilence’s fatality statistics remained comparatively low.
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