Chapter 11
As far as President Solomon’s love life went, he wedded many foreign women. In addition to the daughter of Pharaoh, he married women of the Moabites, women from the sticks in the wilderness, Midianitish women, and those damsels who lived within the mountains, also Ammonite women, frigid Canadian women, Persian Fire-Worshippers, Eurasian ladies, female yeti beings from Eden, lovely Zidonians, bisexual Bonobo Folk from the Crystal Cabinet of the Mirror Maze, flirtatious Hittites, and Cornellian librarians. Even lesbians who hate men happily married President Solomon.
Of all the nations concerning which the Volcano said unto the wayfarers of the caravan: “Ye shall go in to them, and mix and mingle: for surely they will turn you on to fresh philosophies, and to new ways of dancing and coupling,” Solomon clave unto these in love.
So President Solomon had seven hundred wives who were princesses, and three hundred concubines who were queens. And all his wives were dear unto his heart.
Solomon also married two goddesses: Ashtoreth of the Zidonians, and Milcom of the Ammonites. Extremely alluring, these two goddesses were.
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Now it happened that Solomon’s presidency was mostly peaceful, at least relatively so: it was not as tumultuous as his father’s. For recall that David had not one instant within his time as president when there was not a counter-president threatening regime change. President Solomon governed a long time unopposed, but near the end of his term there did arise a challenger; his name was Jeroboam. Here’s what happened:
When President Solomon was directing the construction of a citadel near his Egyptian wife’s new house, one of the forced laborers caught his eye: it was Jeroboam. Seeing that this fellow was industrious, and a mighty man of valor, the president promoted Jeroboam to the position of overseer, so he was given charge of all the compulsory workers on that project. And to signify Jeroboam’s authority over the workforce, President Solomon gave him to wear his own coat of many colors.
“Take my coat,” said the president to Jeroboam, “thus shall the workers see that you are invested with my powers. Continue to wear it for the duration of the project, and when the work is finished, come and return the coat to me, and I will reward you.”
Then it came to pass, when the construction project ended, that Jeroboam was leaving the worksite, heading toward the presidential palace of Solomon, to return the coat of many colors which he had been given to wear. On the way, Jeroboam noticed what seemed to be a fire upon a hillside. In curiosity he drew closer, and then he saw emerge from the light the appearance of a wild man whose body was brown like rusty iron, and whose hair hung over his face down past his feet: all that could be seen of his visage were two staring eyes, which were shaped like the eyes of a goat. Jeroboam stopped in the way, and this wild man approached him, and he reached forth and grabbed the coat of many colors. Jeroboam drew back, leaving the coat in the wild man’s hands. Now this hairy man tore the coat in seven pieces; then he said to Jeroboam: “When you return the garment to the president, give Solomon the following message:
“Thus says the Volcano: Look how each color of your coat is now a strip of its own: red, orange, yellow, lime-green, blue, indigo, and violet. These correspond to the time zones of Eldorado, and each also represents one of the seven provinces of the caravan. I might have torn the coat into twelve parts, corresponding to the twelve tribes of Jacob: but I am more interested in mixing, mingling, and melding: I have no false pride in place and blood. So here are the seven fragments of the caravansary: you can hold them in your hand. I give you one, the lime-green one, while keeping the other six colors for myself. This means that you and your heir, whom you shall elect as your successor, will inherit one seventh of the caravan: that shall be the fragment that you govern. Meanwhile, I shall make Jeroboam the president of the other six sevenths, or roughly eighty-five percent of what was once your united oligarchy. And whoever takes over, after his term, I leave up to chance. Does this sound fair? It is not fair. Life is not fair. I would have given you, dear Solomon son of David, a larger percentage of the caravan to rule over, if only you and your freebooting father had not chosen to be so creditor-friendly.”
So, during the partial return of his coat of many colors to President Solomon, Jeroboam delivered the Volcano’s message. Then, from that time forth, President Solomon sought to assassinate Jeroboam. Therefore, Jeroboam arose and fled into Egypt.
MORAL: When times are hard, either flee into or out of Egypt, depending on whether you are already there or not.
And the rest of the acts of President Solomon, and all that he did, and his wisdom, are they not inscribed and preserved in some now-lost book?
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The amount of time that Solomon served as president of the caravan was forty years.
Then Solomon died and was buried in Eldorado. And Rehoboam his son became the Lime-Green President.
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