Chapter 1
In the third year of the term of President Front Rump of the southern caravan, President Ozymandias of Wonderland besieged Eldorado.
Now a selection of the brightest wayfarers from the caravan were invited by Ozymandias to his palace, to learn the language of Wonderland. Only four of these selected wayfarers showed any promise, so the rest were dispatched; and the ones who remained were named Belteshazzar, Son, Pop, and Ghost. But the president of Wonderland hated those names so much that he changed them all; he rechristened Belteshazzar as Daniel, and he branded Son, Pop, and Ghost with a shared title: the Trinity.
The volcano of potential gave these four young wayfarers knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom: and Daniel was a master of visions and dreams.
President Ozymandias then put Daniel and the Trinity through a painful inquisition, and he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that existed in the realm of Wonderland.
(For those who wish to reconcile these events with a Christian calendar, know that Daniel remained at the presidential palace in Wonderland until the first year of the Lord Yahweh God’s only begotten son, who was born of a virgin, as prophesied by Isaiah: the messiah Cyrus.)
Chapter 2
Now in the second year of the reign of Ozymandias Ozymandias dreamed dreams. These troubled his mind, thus he became a nervous wreck.
So the president summoned all the magicians and astrologers and sorcerers and fitness trainers in Wonderland to illuminate his nightmare. These professionals all therefore came and stood before him. and President Ozymandias said: “I dreamed a dream, and I desire to know its meaning. The problem is that I cannot remember anything that happened in the dream – not even one single detail. So you will need to remind me what my dream was about, and then you must provide the correct interpretation. If you fail at either of these tasks, I shall have you cut in pieces, and your houses shall be made a dunghill. On the other hand, if you succeed, I will reward you.”
So the group that had been summoned before the president answered and said: “OK, just describe your dream for us, and we will offer you the meaning.”
Then President Ozymandias shouted: “I already told you that I cannot remember my dream. That is your job: you must tell me the nightmare as well as what it signifies.”
Then the group of professionals said: “O Mister President, what you are asking for is impossible: not a man on earth can show you the jettisoned contents of your own mind: neither king nor lord nor ruler nor magician nor astrologer nor sorcerer nor fitness trainer could do this. Only the gods might be able to help you, but they are in Hell.”
This put the president in a rage, and he decreed that all the wise men of Wonderland should be executed.
So, when this command went out, the armed bureaucrats of the country went forth to slay Daniel and his three fellows, the Trinity. But while the officer who was aiming to perform the execution had raised his sword and was ready to chop off Daniel’s head, Daniel said to him: “I have a question: Why was this murderous order given by the president – do you know?”
And the officer, while still holding the sword on high, explained the situation to Daniel. Then Daniel said to the officer:
“I think that I can satisfy the president’s desire; for I am a certified master of dreams and visions. Will you postpone my execution long enough for me to fetch my three friends at their house and then go visit the president? If I fail to give the right answer, I will gladly eat crow.”
So the officer bowed unto Daniel and allowed him leave to do as he requested.
Thus, Daniel went into the president’s palace and asked Ozymandias to give him a little time to draft up a nightmare and its interpretation. Then Daniel went to the house of Son, Pop, and Ghost, his magi friends, and they consulted together and prayed unto the volcano of potential, asking for good ideas and a convincing way to present them. Then these matters were revealed to Daniel in a vision; so Daniel raced over to meet with President Ozymandias.
On his way into the presidential palace, Daniel saw that same officer who was earlier charged with decapitating him; and Daniel told the man: “Hold off on all the rest of your executions as well, until after my meeting; for I think I might have solved all the president’s problems.”
Then Daniel hastened into the office of the president of Wonderland. And when Ozymandias saw Daniel, he said: “Are you able to make known to me the dream that I have seen, and also reveal to me its meaning?”
Daniel answered and said: “Mister President, nobody could ever tell you what only your own mind knows, especially when your own mind no longer knows it. Neither wise men, nor astrologers, nor magicians, nor soothsayers, nor the very best fitness trainers could do this. But there is a Volcano that reveals secrets to me at night; and I have asked this being to help me, so that I can help you. And we are in luck, for the entity answered – I will now solve your two dilemmas: that of a dream and its interpretation.
“First, here is a rundown of all the things that your head has been thinking in recent days while on your bed-pillow:
“You saw, standing alone in the desert, a giant statue of stone. In the background was a mountain that filled the entire world. Out of this mountain exploded a man covered in magma like afterbirth. This man summoned the West Wind, which blew at the statue and caused its upper half to break off and tumble away. Its torso landed somewhere outside the frame, and its head fell near the base, half sunk. Only its lower extremities remained planted in the desert sand. You, the dreamer, then entered your own nightmare as a lost traveler, to inspect those two vast trunkless legs of stone, and noticed an inscription on the pedestal at the base of the statue – it said: ‘Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’ – This saying filled your heart with terror, and you awoke.
“So that was your dream. Now I’ll give you the only correct interpretation.
“You, O President Ozymandias, are the best leader that this world has ever seen; therefore, the statue represents yourself. The mountain that filled the whole world is the volcano of potential; and its Magma Man is the poet Shelley, who wrote the prophecy that informs your dream and which he titled after you. Also, his “Ode to the West Wind” is what blew your statue down. The meaning, I think, is clear: We poets are the antidote to empire’s oppression. Your wisest course of action, therefore, would be to lock us up in a den infested by lions, so that we cannot threaten your power. But I should warn you: even if you were to do that, you still would lose, by and by; for you rule the present age, whereas we rule eternity. And nothing beats an active volcano.”
Hearing this, President Ozymandias was awestruck. He fell upon his face, and worshiped Daniel. Then he commanded his staffers to offer an oblation and sweet odors unto him.
The president answered Daniel, and said: “This Volcano of yours is truly the source of all power, seeing as he fills the entire background of my nightmares. I cannot believe how he was able to give you my dream after I had forgotten it, and how he helped you illuminate all its secrets.”
Then the president promoted Daniel to the highest position in the government. He made him ruler over the entirety of Wonderland, and chief of all the executives, and Top Wise Man among the magi. Thus, Daniel became the Empire’s Vice Pharaoh.
Chapter 3
President Ozymandias then went out to the wilderness before Mount Sinai, and there in the desert he erected a giant statue that was a five-stage rocket. This work of art was a self-portrait made from multiple media: its head was gold, its breast silver, its loins brass, its legs iron, and its feet were flesh. And each of these sections was fused with a musical instrument, which would accompany it upon blastoff: respectively, a cornet, a harp, a sackbut, a psaltery, and a dulcimer.
Then President Ozymandias summoned his Vice Pharaoh Daniel, as well as all the governors, the captains, the judges, the magi, the treasurers, the counselors, the sheriffs, and the mayors of all the cities of Wonderland, to attend the statue’s dedication ceremony.
So all these officials gathered there in the desert sand, for the unveiling of President Ozymandias’ masterpiece. (He had draped an enormous burka over the statue, which covered everything but its eyes, which were the eyes of a holy lamb.) And the masses stood waiting in suspense before the concealed wonder.
Then a herald cried aloud: “O people of Wonderland, upon liftoff, when you hear the sound of music coming from all the stages of this statue, you are commanded to fall down and worship. Anyone who does not fall down and worship shall be cast into the fiery furnace of Hell.”
Thus, Ozymandias himself pressed the red “Launch” button. And when the multitudes in the audience heard the sound of music from all the aforesaid instruments, they fell down at once and worshipped the rocket’s apotheosis: for the statue’s stages ascended into the heavens to usurp Mazzaroth. (This was, in truth, an impressive sight.) It should be noted that the statue’s craftsmanship was superb: its visage was frowning, with a sneer of cold command.
President Ozymandias stood gazing into the heavens as into a mirror, while his Vice Pharaoh Daniel remained at his side, bowing in reverence.
But now some of the Wonderlanders came over and reminded the president of his executive order: “Dear Sir, recall your decree,” they said, “that any soul who does not fall down and worship shall be thrown into the fiery furnace.” Then they pointed out that a trio of magi were disobeying this law. Ozymandias looked over and saw that the informants were correct; for there, among the prostrate multitudes, three lone wayfarers were still standing defiantly – it was the Trinity: Son, Pop, and Ghost – each was holding up his right hand and extending his middle finger.
Ozymandias in his rage then commanded the arrest of the Trinity. And they brought these persons before the president.
And President Ozymandias said unto them: “How dare you engage in criminal activity? The law of Wonderland commands that you bow and worship. Are you making yourselves equal to the Most High Creator? If you will repent of this blasphemy, I will be merciful and forgive you; but if you harden your heart, and continue to follow the wickedness of your own imagination, then you shall be thrown into my burning fiery furnace.”
The Trinity then said to President Ozymandias of Wonderland: “We do not respect your question enough to answer it. What we experience as the enjoyments of genius may appear to you like torment and insanity; for we are accustomed to the climate of Hell: so, do with us what seems right in your eyes.”
This speech filled Ozymandias with fury, and his lip wrinkled against the Trinity. Therefore he yelled to his officers, demanding that they should heat the furnace up seven times hotter than its highest temperature. Then the mightiest thugs from his army bound the three persons of the Trinity and cast them into the blazes of Hell.
The trio were wearing their coats, their leggings, their hats, and other garments, when they were thrust into the burning fiery furnace. And because of the president’s instructions to crank the heat many times beyond its hottest temp, the flames of the hellfire licked out and slew the thugs who were escorting them. But the three persons of the Trinity fell down bound into the midst of the burning blazes.
Watching this, President Ozymandias was astonished, and he said to his counselors: “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?”
They answered and said: “That is true, Mister President.”
And he answered and said: “Then why do I see four men loose, walking up and down amid the stones of hellfire? And they seem unhurt; and the form of the fourth is like the unfallen Lucifer.”
Then Ozymandias came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and he shouted: “O Square Deific, emerge from the depths of Hell.”
Then the three persons of the Trinity stepped out of the furnace.
Now the princes, governors, and captains of Wonderland, who had gathered to watch this scene with the president’s counselors, saw that these men who had been in the flames were not even scorched.
This apparent immunity to fire impressed Ozymandias, and he exclaimed to the Trinity: “Blessed be your Superior, who sent his Logos to protect you from the fire. You have defied my presidential judgment by demonstrating that you are friends with a higher power; I respect that. Now I issue another executive order: Any man who ever speaks a word amiss against the Trinity’s Keeper shall be cut into pieces, and his house shall be made a dunghill. For this is a real God who does real magic.”
Then the president appointed the persons of the Trinity to be the premiers of the surrounding provinces of Wonderland.
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