[The sections in this entry correspond to the chapters in the King James Bible as follows: 1 = 1; 2 = 3; 3 = 7; 4 = 12; 5 = 13; 6 = 16.]
1
Jeremiah was from the southern part of the caravan. The word of the Volcano came to him in the days of President Josiah, in the thirteenth year of his term, and it lasted throughout the days of President Jah-rump, Josiah’s son and successor, till the end of the eleventh year of President Zookeeper, when the southern caravan in Eldorado was taken captive by the country of Wonderland in the fifth month.
Yahweh put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. Then he said unto me: “Behold, I have put my words in your mouth. See, I have now appointed you over all nations and countries: to subvert and destroy them; also to build them up and to plant them.”
Yahweh then showed me an oracle, and he said: “What you do see?” And I answered: “I see a seething pot, with its face toward the north.”
Then Yahweh said to me: “Out of the north an evil will break forth upon the caravan. All the forces of the countries of the north shall come up and surround Sweet Beulah Land in Eldorado. And they shall fight against you; but they shall not prevail.”
2
“Give up your inhumane ways of acting, O people of the caravan, and return to harmony,” says the Volcano; “for I am married unto you. And I will take you from wherever you are, and bring you to Eldorado; and I will give you goatherds after my own heart, who shall pasture you with wisdom and understanding. Then it shall happen that, once your population has increased in the land,” Yahweh says, “they shall let the Ark of Remembrance fade from their memory; no longer shall they visit it or use it as a museum. At that time, Eldorado will be the Volcano’s main office, where I shall have my executive desk, and all the nations shall come gather before me there, to meet with me directly, so they’ll no longer need to dream up their own solutions to life’s problems: they can simply ask me what to do, and I will answer them clearly. Also, in those days, the southern part of the caravan shall reunite with the northern part, and they will join again to become the united caravansary. Then I plan on adopting you, O caravan, to make you officially one of my children, who are all the nations of the world; and I hope you will call me ‘Father’ and not reject me.”
3
Jeremiah stood before the entrance of the Temple of the Hairy One, and he proclaimed as follows.
“Hear the word of the Volcano, all you wayfarers of the caravan, who enter this place to commune with Yahweh. The volcano of potential says: ‘Amend your ways and your actions, then we can talk. Instead of being in competition with your neighbors and constantly trying to get the better of them, simply execute righteous judgment. Stop oppressing the strangers and foreigners, the fatherless and widows; and desist from shedding blood! If your doings are compassionate and harmonious, I will dwell among you, and life will be good for us both, forever. But you must stop trusting in lying words. Leave off stealing, murdering, and providing false testimony in your courts of law. You have got to rise above your addiction to money, and instead give the priority to living creatures. Do not come near this temple until you have kicked these abhorrent habits. When did this house, which is called by my name, become a den of thieves in your eyes? I see these evils every day,’ says the Volcano.”
§
Thus says Yahweh Peor, the god of the caravan: “Eat your grilled steaks as often as you like, but do not call them ‘holy sacrifices’ and ‘burnt offerings unto the LORD.’ Recall that I rescued your ancestors, who were the workforce of the Egyptian Empire: I led them out of the country in one mass, and when we stopped at my hill to feast, I told them many things; but I never instructed them about burnt offerings or sacrifices. All I said was: ‘Act with compassion and humanity; remain in harmony with each other and with the surrounding nations: mix and mingle with them peacefully.’ I guess this concept was too hard for them to grasp, for they proceeded backward and not forward: they went on a bloody rampage and emulated the creditors who oppressed them. Since those early days of Ancient Egypt, I have been sending seers and prophets and elohims, but the problematic portions of the caravan will not hearken: they are stiffnecked and hardhearted. Now matters are complicated by the fact that they got themselves dragged into captivity; nonetheless, I keep on trying, in the hope that they will listen.”
4
Here is a message from the Volcano to the neighboring nations that have taken captive the caravan:
“Behold, I will pluck out the wayfarers and make them free again. I am against slavery, servitude, wage labor, employment, or whatever name you give it: I abhor all types of social coercion. So I will free the captives, and have compassion on them.”
5
One day, Yahweh came and said to me: “Jeremiah, go and buy a fresh pair of white cotton briefs. Put them on your loins. Wear them around for a while, but do not wash them.”
So I bought a pair of white underpants, and put them on, and wore them until the Lord Yahweh came to visit me again, and he said:
“Good; I see that you are wearing those briefs that I told you to buy. Now get up and walk all the way to the presidential residence of the northern caravan. Stop there; then strip off the briefs, and hide them in the hole of a rock.”
So I went and hid my underpants in a rock outside the presidential residence, as Yahweh had commanded me. Then a long time passed, and the Lord Yahweh came to visit me again at my house, and he said:
“Arise and return to the presidential residence where you hid the briefs. Take them back out of the hole in the rock.”
Then I walked back to the northern caravan’s presidential residence, and digged around until I found the underpants that I had hidden. And when I pulled them out of the hole, behold: they were marred. No longer were they fit to wear. They were stained and spoiled.
Then Yahweh came up in his vortex and said: “Thus says the Volcano: in precisely this way, I will mar the pride of the self-styled leaders of the caravan, who remain in Eldorado, for they shall become like these once-white briefs, which are now completely useless. For just as new cotton underwear cleaves to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me both hemispheres of the caravansary, north and south, because I wanted to make them a nation, and I desired to live among them: but they rejected my advances.”
§
And another time, the Volcano said to me: “Tell the people these words of Yahweh God: ‘Every bottle shall be filled with wine.’ And when they shall answer you, saying: ‘Of course, every bottle shall be filled with wine; what else would you fill them with?’ Then you shall say unto them: ‘Thus says the Volcano: Behold, some bottles are filled with water. But I have promised to fill your bottles with wine, because all the inhabitants of this land, and all its presidents that sit in the Oblong Office of the Black House, behind the executive desk of David, as well as the attendants and the prophets, and all the denizens of Eldorado, shall be filled with merriment. I will make them to dance with one another, even the men and women together; and the sons of one family shall dance with the daughters of another family, and nations with nations. Everyone shall mix and mingle, says the Volcano.’”
6
And Yahweh proclaimed: “The day will soon come when it shall no longer be said, ‘O praise the Volcano, who led the workforce out of Egypt,’ but rather ‘O praise the Volcano, who rescued the wayfarers from Wonderland.’ For I will save them from their current predicament.”
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