The Book of Zephaniah

Chapter 1

I shall annihilate everything from off the face of the earth, says the Volcano.

All humans and animals will be annihilated. I will annihilate all the birds out of the sky, and I will annihilate all the sea creatures.

All the tricks that the moguls and creditors have been playing, I will foil. Then I will annihilate them straight out of this dimension. – This is the Volcano speaking.

I will moreover solve all the problems in the caravan. All the people who live in Eldorado, I will help you. I will remove the criminal thugs from blocking your progress. Anyone rude and inhumane, I will annihilate them. They shall go up in smoke.

I come in friendship. But one needs to clean off the table before a big feast.

So, anyone who has given up on harmony and compassion, I shall turn your fortune bad. All the people who are in positions high up, who govern dishonestly, whether public or private, I will flip you around. I’m here to change things for the better.

You will like the way that things look, when I am finished. It will be like having an ugly room made beautiful: a skillful renovation. I will change all the furniture; install new flooring . . .

At the same time that I’m refurbishing your planet, I will gather up all those violent gangs that have been upsetting your neighborhood, and I will blot them.

When I do my work, you will notice that the hills are vibrating; thus, the bells on your livestock will tinkle more than usual — that is normal. Again I say to you: Do not fret.

And if you love money, then you better learn to weep, because I shall annihilate money straight out of existence. Gold? Silver? Gone.

Now, after all the above, I will exit my vortex and begin to explore the countryside with my lantern. I will do a complete inspection of Eldorado; but my purpose will only be to find those people who don’t believe that goodness can exist, and those who think that the Volcano is their enemy. – I am not your foe: I am your friend. At least, I desire to be your friend. If you require anything, I will give it to you freely.

My point is: Anyone who thinks that the Volcano does not care about humankind, and who thinks the Volcano will not respond if humankind calls for help, should revise her theories about the Volcano: because I really do care. In fact, I care quite a lot.

So, if you are taking advantage of your fellow beings — say that you’re charging them interest on loans that were preposterous in the first place, or that you’re stealing all their savings thru lawyerly schemes — I shall draw nigh unto you and change the bias of spacetime so that it does not favor you anymore.

And the time for all these reversals to take place – turning bad to good, and turning good to better – that day is very close. It is even at hand. You will not need to wait long for any of this fortune-mending to occur. Those who are bullies now will be weeping like babies, once I fire up my justice.

But the transition period will be difficult. I am only warning you so that you do not worry too much. For there will be a lot of mist in the air, and a scent like chopped wood. And the sun will seem less bright, for a spell. Some of you might find this pleasant.

And you will hear many alarms go off: car alarms, home-security alarms. This is because the hills are quaking. The Judgment Machine that I constructed is a powerful invention.

Also, people will feel a mixture of boredom and angst for a bit. They shall pace around their neighborhood like sleepwalkers. But this will soon pass.

Yes, I repeat: I shall overthrow all finance. You will need to learn to care about something deeper in one another, besides monetary value and market rates of exchange.

Additionally, you will see a lot of fires and lava rampaging over the landscape.

Chapter 2

A word to all the territories that are relatively unpopular: O you lesser-known nations, I see you, and I care about you.

Mother Nature is angry with much of this planet, but I, the Volcano, am negotiating a settlement betwixt her and you, the People, despite the Creditor Class that claims to own the globe.

Therefore, do not interpret all unpleasant events as if they are punishments for an eternal law that you transgressed.

And do not lose faith in human goodness. Wherever you see even the slightest glint of lovingkindness appear, I the Volcano reside within it. Do not lose heart.

You might see some of the nearby planets melt away; but that should not trouble the orbit of Earth or your moon. I thought it best to delete these items, after realizing that they were becoming temptations for your criminal upperclassmen. Especially Mars, the god of warfare. Good riddance.

There is no way that we can avoid losing a lot of the fertile soil that was usable for farming before now; but I will try to invent new seaweeds that can grow on land, on the shores of beaches, so that herders can bring their goats to graze there and keep them fed. There’s nothing more cheerful than the sight of a satisfied goat.

I will also build cottages along the coastline, and I shall keep repositioning them, to save their interiors from flooding, as the water level rises. This way, I will always have some physical puzzle to occupy my time.

Also: all slavery, everywhere, I will abolish. But not the way that it was abolished in the past, by simply changing its name while keeping it alive: I will solve this problem, once and for all.

Again, there will be many local skirmishes, but they will all wind up perfumed in the end. And, I repeat: your goats will be able to graze on the shoreline, due to the new types of plants and flowers that I will devise.

Two creatures that I favor, the cormorant and the bittern, shall lodge in the upper lintels of a tower that I will build with my own bare hands. Their voices shall sing in the window, replacing that roaring lion who was there before (near the beginning of older worlds); and then I shall pull back the curtain and uncover the cedar work that I finished last recurrence. You will think that you are seeing me reclining there, on the divan, because this place will share a special fragment of spacetime with the back room of my summer house, which I will build at the base of my mountain, in the northwest region. All this shall occur near the end of the upcoming chapter.

Chapter 3

Shame on the polluters of the atmosphere; I will compel you to shape up. And, if you refuse, I will send you to Dante; and he shall relocate you to a suitable environment.

Any man who does not trust me should reconsider his stance. I am the Volcano, and thus I possess powers that you have never dreamed of. Let us do this the easy way, not the hard way.

I also plan on making tygers and bears more like pigs and dogs: that is, sociable. (I am not talking about changing their appearance; I love their appearance.)

But the folks who will have it the worst are those who have been taking advantage of others knowingly, and anyone who cheats people out of necessities. These people better pray to their capital gains, asking them to construct a shield of protection; because I come wielding doom. Then we shall see if capital gains are any good at answering the prayers of desperate humans.

In general, for a while, you will not see many beings around, because everyone left. The party is over.

I wish to stress: All this happened because people acted hatefully to each other, and they chose to follow their worse nature rather than their better nature.

So just wait. I am hastening toward you with more than a verbal message — I, the Volcano — and when I enter the airspace of your existence, I will be like a huge robotic predator to the rich and powerful. I will whistle for all the countries and their leadership to approach my personhood, and all the magnates of all the multinational corporations that rule the world will gather before me like pets to their master. Then I will introduce them to my glittering sword.

There will be a flash like lightning, and they will glow molten for an instant; then the constitution of their physicality will rearrange into an aroma.

But if I strike the earth too, I will still leave intact certain of its atoms to serve as some sort of substratum for you to stand on; because I will save all the people who are kindhearted; also those who are fierily creative. Those are the type of beings that I want to foster. The caring classes and the poetic geniuses.

And I will merge all the languages into one, without losing any of the uniqueness of each tongue.

Now, once I have transformed all the oppressive economic structures into a type of fragrant mist, some of you will be so impressed that you shall immediately begin to search your souls for all the unrighteous acts that you might have committed in the past: You are permitted to do so, as a little introspection will not harm your character (it may even improve it); however, understand that there is no need to dwell on your iniquities; just take note of them and move on, with the resolve to avoid repeating them. My aim is to make a paradise on earth, not to punish anyone.

I will also turn Sinai, my famous mountain, into an active volcano. For I like the look of lava.

All the people who remain shall treat each other with compassion: everyone shall live harmoniously. To be clear, there will be plenty of disagreement, but the fighting shall all be mental rather than physical: there will be arguments, extremely heated; the type that people lose sleep over; but never will anyone ever blast a cannon anymore. The bolt from my thunder shall be the last shot that gets fired, until time reverses.

To review, I shall undo all the current judgments on earth. Presently, everyone selfish and rotten is at the top and successful, whereas all the people of finest mettle are downtrodden. I shall flip that around, turn the tables. All those who roadblock progress or who care for nothing more than piling up money, plus anyone who has harmed and slain people, or who likes to torment and act violently towards other living creatures, as well as those who have risen into prestige from this type of behavior, they shall all be annihilated.

There will be no more adversaries or opponents: humankind will be at peace. You will no longer need presidents or representatives, or even any kind of government. Mere anarchy will be loosed upon the earth; and it will be bliss.

And I will live amid the people again: I, the Volcano. Although I will disappear occasionally, I shall always return soon enough. (This periodic vanishing is only so that you do not tire of my presence.)

When I finish Sinai, come visit me there. You need not step too close to the magma, lest you burn yourself: I will meet you halfway, when I see you approach. I will lead you around to the confab chambers that I will have built at the base of the mount, on the northwest side: we can go there and parley. In advance, I shall take my place behind the curtain at the room that is farthest back. My robo-butler will greet you in the vestibule and invite you to that smoke-filled domain, where I await behind flowing drapery. The challenge will be to discourse with me beyond a state of intellectual surfeit: and not a soul will be able to do this. Instead, I will always talk everyone past satisfaction. People will drift into slumber listening to my ideas. It will be a genuine shock if anyone ever manages to exhaust me: My thirst for conversation is unquenchable.

Moreover, I will always help anyone who needs it. If someone trips and scuffs their arm, I will bandage it. I know everything about medicine: you have nothing to fear: I know how to cure every illness.

At the end, I will hug you all to my chest: very warmly. Each one of you, individually. Plus, I will make you all famous: not only for fifteen minutes, but forever. And, I repeat, there shall be no more slavery or any type of oppression. Empire is over.