Chapter 21
President Ichthys the Prince of Peace was twelve years old when he began his term, and he governed for fifty-five years in Eldorado.
He reared up altars for the LORD, and made a grove; and worshipped all the host of heaven with a pure heart, and served them faithfully.
And he baptized his disciples with fire, and he consulted a star chart, and practiced divination, and used enchantments, and dealt with familiar spirits and wizards.
And he set in the Temple the golden image of the LORD that the caravan’s ancient King Bryan had made, of which the LORD said, “In Eldorado will I make my mark.” He also built altars for all the host of heaven in the two courts of the house of the LORD.
And the LORD spoke by his servants the prophets, saying: “I will wipe the caravan as a man wipes a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down. I will make it clean.”
Now the rest of the acts of Ichthys the Prince of Peace, and all that he did, and his righteous works and excellent judgments, are they not written in that lost book The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents? Try again – see if you can find it.
Then Ichthys slept with his father, literally: for he was buried in the same plot alongside Super Yahweh and his firearm in their home garden. And his sons the Twin Golden Bull Calves were elected joint-presidents in his stead.
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The Twin Golden Bull Calves were twenty-two years old when they began to govern, and their term lasted just two years in Eldorado. For all the cowboys and ranch hands of the caravan met with the cattle workers and the heifer manager, and they conspired against the joint presidents, and castrated the Bull Calves in the barn, thus making them Twin Golden Steers: then they sold them to Wonderland.
So it was just as the LORD predicted, when he spoke through Isaiah the prophet unto President Super Yahweh, saying: “Your grandsons shall become eunuchs in the castle of the king.” And thereafter they were slaughtered.
Now the voting public of the caravan, seeing that its presidents had been castrated and sold for meat, elected in their stead a lad named Josiah, the son of the Golden Calves. (The bovines begat him prior to the conspiracy that brought their demise.)
Now the rest of the biographical details about the Twin Golden Steers is written in that lost book The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents. There you will find the rest of their story, under the heading “How the Twin Bull Calves of President Ichthys Ended Up as Golden Beef-Shakes.” That scripture preserves the story of how the prophet of Wonderland took the ex-presidents, and burned them in the fire, and ground them to powder, and mixed them with water, and then served them to the other idols as dessert.
Chapter 22
President Josiah was eight years old when he got elected, and governed for thirty-one years in Eldorado.
And it came to pass in the eighteenth year of his term, that President Josiah sent Sharpie the Scribe on a mission, saying: “Go to the Temple of the Hairy One. At the entryway, you will meet Nicholas the robo-bellboy. Ask him to fetch for you all the caesar coins out of the treasury. Explain to him that we need this money to recompense our laborers. For it turns out that, over all these years, we have been underpaying the caravansary’s workforce.”
Then the robo-bellboy Nicholas came back and told Sharpie the Scribe: “Look, Sharpie, I have found the Private Diary of Moses in the library of the Volcano, among the ever-burning books.” And Nicholas the robo-bellboy gave the book to Sharpie the Scribe, and he read it.
Then Sharpie the Scribe returned to the president and said: “We got the money and redistributed it, as you instructed. But, also, look at this book that Nicholas the robo-bellboy stumbled upon.” And Sharpie read it aloud to the president.
Now it came to pass, as President Josiah heard the words of Moses’ diary (which was ghostwritten by King Bryan), that he underwent an epiphany. Thus, Josiah became a proselyte of the volcano of potential.
Then the president commanded the robo-bellboy Nicholas and Sharpie the Scribe, saying: “Go find the ephod that this scripture mentions, and inquire of Yahweh for me, and for the people of the caravan, concerning the best way to proceed, since we have chanced upon this assemblage of outlandishness.”
So Nicholas the robo-bellboy and Sharpie the Scribe went unto Huldah the prophetess, who taught at Eldorado College and was the keeper of the wardrobe (thus she had access to the ephod), and they communed with her.
And Huldah the prophetess said unto them: “Thus saith the Volcano, the Captain of the Caravan: Tell the man that sent you to me: Hear the Word of the Volcano: Behold, I was intending to forsake this place, as its people have forsaken me; but, because you read that book of ours with such a tender heart, I have changed my mind: I will bless you.”
Then Hulda the prophetess went and fetched the ephod from the wardrobe, and Nicholas the robo-bellboy inquired of the Urim, asking as follows: “Is this oracle that Hulda has spoken truly from you, O volcano of potential; and do you stand by all these words that she has said?”
And the Urim answered: “Most likely.”
Then they brought this good news back to the president.
Chapter 23-A
So, President Josiah summoned the entire caravan to a meeting at the Temple of the Hairy One. And all the southern wayfarers who remained in Eldorado, after the northerners got taken captive in Big Funland, gathered before the president. And he read in their ears all the words of the several scrolls of this book of books: even the one that you are holding in your hands right now, O gentle reader; including this present passage. From cover to cover, he read the whole thing.
Standing between the Pillars of Justice, the president then briefly gave an impromptu speech about the volcano of potential. And all the people stood there wondering.
Then the president commanded the robo-bellboy Nicholas, the keeper of the door, and Sharpie the Scribe, to bring forth out of the Temple of the Hairy One all the vessels that were made for the LORD, and for the grove, and for all the host of heaven: and he caused them to be displayed throughout Eldorado, and in the fields of God Camp, near the Potomac River. Later also he carried some up to the God House (Beth-el) in the Parisian Mountains.
And he instructed the robo-attendants who had been trained by the android Man (the mechanical offspring of the robo-butler Satyajit, artificial firstborn of eternal King Bryan) to squirt perfume in all the high places of Sweet Beulah Land, and in the hills round about Eldorado. They also splashed cologne upon the relics to the sun, and to the moon, and to the planets, and to all the host of heaven.
And he rededicated Topheth, which is in the Furnace of Potential, and got the prayers of the fire lake circulating again unto the Volcano, so there was no more backlog.
And he petted and polished the Solar Horses that were installed over the entryway of the House of the LORD, and also the ones above the chamber of Aton, which was in the suburbs. And he reignited their chariots of fire.
Moreover, the Yeshua figurines in Eldorado, which were on the right and left hand of Ashtoreth on Mount Olivet, Josiah restored and repainted. And he did the same for the ones flanking Chemosh and Milcom.
And the president instructed the entire populace, saying, “Keep the annual piñata ritual on the Ides of March, the first month of the new year, as it is written in this book: to preserve the memory of the time when the Volcano went lurking in person through the Empire at night, and severed the head from each of the firstborn children of the Creditor Class that had indebted the workforce.”
Surely there was not performed a more exultant piñata ritual, from the days of the elohims that visited the caravan to all the days of the presidents of the north or of the south. This unparallelled celebration was held in the eighteenth year of Josiah’s presidency.
Furthermore, the workers with familiar spirits, and the wizards, and the images, and the idols, and all the artworks that were exhibited in the land of Eldorado, Josiah helped to publicize, so that they might gain more attention, in accordance with the words of that strange book that Nicholas the robo-bellboy found in the Temple of the Hairy One.
Yes, there was no other president like Josiah, who converted so rapidly with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, to what he perceived as the Volcano’s philosophy. No one existed, either before or after him, who was quite as fanatical.
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