Chapter 19
After attending that speech from Big Funland’s ambassador, President Super Yahweh tore his costume to signify despair. Then he went into the Temple, and sought the prophet Isaiah. When he found him, he said:
“This day is a day of trouble and despair. I hope that the LORD your God will hear the words that the ambassador from Big Funland spoke to us. I found his speech blasphemous. Will you please pray for the surviving remnant of the caravan?”
And Isaiah said: “Thus saith the LORD: Fear not the words which you have heard spoken by the servant of Big Funland. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and put a spirit inside him that will delude him, so that he shall believe he is hearing a rumor; then he shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall face first into a sword.”
§
In the meantime, the ambassador heard that Big Funland had just invaded Uzbekistan, and that Silent Moonman needed all his ambassadors to come help him; but when they arrived there, they were told that their leader was out warring against Los Angeles. This turned out to be the truth. And then Ethiopia joined the battle. So Silent Moonman the leader of Big Funland had a lot on his plate; and it would take a while longer before he could get enough room in his schedule to finish conquering Eldorado. But, for the time being, just to assure his rival that he had not forgotten his threatening promise, Big Funland’s leader Silent Moonman wrote to the southern president as follows:
“What I said before, I say again. Watch your step: for the LORD God is on my side, not yours.”
Now President Super Yahweh received this letter from the leader of Big Funland, and he read it. Then President Super Yahweh went up into the Temple, and spread the letter like a map before the prophet Isaiah. And Super Yahweh pointed at the letter with his finger, and pressed it repeatedly while saying to Isaiah: “O LORD God, you who dwell between the cherubims, please bow down your ear, and hear: open your eyes, and see: and read these words written by this foreign leader who hates you. His name is Moonman. Save us from him!”
Then Isaiah read the letter that President Super Yahweh had spread out before him, and he replied, saying: “Thus says the LORD God Almighty: I have heard your prayer, and I have read the words of this Moonman. Now here is the word of the LORD concerning the matter:
“The caravan is a fair virgin who mocks you, O foreign king;
“The daughter of Eldorado shakes her head at you.
“Whom have you reproached and blasphemed? and against whom have you raised your voice?
“By your ambassadors you have reproached the LORD, saying: ‘With the multitude of my chariots I can drive to the top of all the mountains, and to the edges of the earth, and I will cut down the tall cedar trees, and the choice fir trees: and I will run through the forest, and have no fear of its creatures.’
“Have you not heard how I, the LORD, am the one who created the world, long ago? In ancient times, I formed it. For many eons now, I have been laying waste fenced cities into ruinous heaps. That is something I do often.
“To me, all earthly inhabitants look like small things. They look dismayed and confounded. They are like green herbs blasted by winds before they are grown.
“So, I know where you live. I know your going out, and your coming in. I know your rage against me.
“You are frustrated that my power is so much bigger than yours. Now, because your tumult has come up into my ears, I will put my hook in your nose, and my bridle between your jaws, and I will yank you around and send you back the way you came.”
§
Then it happened that Isaiah’s LORD went out, and smote 185,000 people in the camp of Big Funland. And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.
So, the forces of Big Funland departed, and they retreated to one of the countries that did not have a mean god.
And in the future, it came to pass, after that same ambassador who had delivered the speech earlier returned to Big Funland, that he joined up with his colleagues, and they all went walking down a footpath, yet none of them knew that there was a pitfall ahead, and they all went directly into the trap, and they ended up falling face first into a series of swords.
Chapter 20
Now eventually President Super Yahweh became gravely ill, for he developed a large cancerous tumor. And the prophet Isaiah came to him and said: “Thus saith the LORD: Set your house in order; for you shall die, and not live.”
Then President Super Yahweh turned his face to the wall, and prayed unto the LORD, saying: “I beseech you, O LORD, remember how I did everything right, and how I always acted well, and how my heart was perfect.” And Super Yahweh wept profusely.
Then Isaiah left the room. But before he had even made it down the hallway, the word of the LORD came to him, so he went back and said to the president: “Thus saith the LORD: I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears: behold, I will heal you: on the third day you will straightway become well. And I will give you an extra fifteen years of life.”
Then Isaiah said: “Take a lump of figs.” And they took and laid it on the tumor, and he recovered.
Now President Super Yahweh said unto Isaiah: “What shall be the sign that the LORD will heal me?”
And Isaiah said: “You’re already healed. We just shrunk your tumor: the cancer is gone. You are no longer dying. For what reason could you possibly need a sign?”
And President Super Yahweh answered and said: “Is it not customary for the LORD to give a sign before he performs a miracle?”
Then Isaiah said: “Yes, before the miracle. This is now after.”
And President Super Yahweh’s face looked woebegone. So Isaiah said: “Here is the sign that you shall have of the LORD. Would you like the shadow on the sundial to go forward by ten minutes, or move ten minutes back?”
Then President Super Yahweh answered: “It’s easy to make the sundial go forth ten minutes: that happens every ten minutes. So I say: Let the sign be that the flow of time shall reverse and sweep us backward into the past.”
So Isaiah the prophet cried unto the LORD: and he dragged the shadow ten minutes in reverse. And there was lightning and fire for a spell; then the prophet and the president saw their own selves from ten minutes ago standing before them in the room and discussing what the sign for the miracle should be.
§
At that time, the king of Wonderland sent a barbershop quartet as a singing telegram to President Super Yahweh, to cheer him up, for he had heard that he was sick. And the president was so appreciative of the four-part harmony that he took the singers into his treasure room, and showed them all his precious things: his silver, his gold, and his spices, and ointments, and armor. There was nothing in his treasure room that he did not show them.
Then, after the quartet returned to Wonderland, Isaiah the prophet said unto President Super Yahweh: “What were those men doing here? Where did they come from?” And the president answered: “They came from a country far away, even from Wonderland. The king sent them here to sing me a song, to give me good cheer, because he heard that I was near death.”
Then Isaiah said: “What have they seen of your riches? I noticed that you all came out from your treasure room.”
And the president answered: “Whatsoever there is to be seen, they saw. I showed them everything. – Why; was I not supposed to?”
Now Isaiah said unto the president: “Hear the word of the LORD. Behold, the day shall come when all that is in your house, and every luxurious item inside your treasure room, shall be carried into Wonderland: nothing shall be left. And they will take your grandsons from you: and they shall become eunuchs in the castle of the king of Wonderland.”
Then President Super Yahweh said unto Isaiah: “This word of the LORD is good. For I doubt that the Wonderlanders will be coming very soon, so I shall still have time to enjoy my possessions. I do not have long to live anyway; and, as they say about physical wealth: ‘You cannot take it with you.’ Furthermore, I admit, at the risk of sounding callous, that although I recoil from the thought of my grandsons being made into eunuchs, it is hard not to be relieved that at least the same fate will not happen to me.”
Now the rest of the acts of Super Yahweh, and all his might, and how he made a pool, and a conduit, and brought water into the city, are they not written in some lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents?
Then President Super Yahweh died of a self-inflicted gun wound: and his only son Ichthys the Prince of Peace got elected in his stead.
No comments:
Post a Comment