Chapter 18
Now it came to pass, when the Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal had served as president for three years, that Super Yahweh the son of President Rotting Shellfish was elected to govern the caravan’s southern remainder.
Super Yahweh was twenty-five years old when he burst forth from the womb of the Rotting Shellfish and seized the reins of the caravansary. He chose to use for his presidential residence David’s Black Lodge in Eldorado. And he was the darling of the yogis and gurus.
Super Yahweh renovated the high places, and touched up the images, and trimmed the groves. He also polished the brazen serpent-wand that Moses had made. (Nehushtan, as it was called, was created to heal wayfarers bitten by snakes. Also known as Aton’s Rod. Compare it to the Rod of God belonging to Hermes, the caduceus: a staff with two winged snakes entwined around it. Also recall the medical symbol, the Rod of Asclepius: a staff enspiralled by a single serpent.)
President Super Yahweh trusted in the volcano of potential; so that after him was none like him among all the presidents of the southern caravan, nor any that were before him. In short, Super Yahweh was the best.
And the Volcano was with him; and he prospered whithersoever he went forth. President Super Yahweh rebelled against Big Funland, and he spurned their invitations to come and serve them.
He danced with the Sea People, even unto their Aquatic Council Chamber, and the borders thereof, from all the listen-towers at sea level to their underwater city.
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It was in the fourth year of President Super Yahweh, which was the seventh year of that Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal who governed the north from his prison cell, that Big Funland came up against the northern caravan, and besieged it. And at the end of three years, it was captured: the caravan’s northern capital in Persia was taken.
Then, a decade later, in the fourteenth year of President Super Yahweh, the remaining parts of the caravan got taken captive as well: Friendly Moonman, the new king of Big Funland, came out and conquered all the southern cities: now the whole caravan was lost.
So Super Yahweh the southern president sent a letter to Friendly Moonman of Big Funland, which said: “Dear Sir, I have offended you. Please take your forces away, and I will pay you bribes: whatever you wish.” So, the leader of Big Funland demanded three hundred silver caesars and thirty gold caesars. And President Super Yahweh gave him all the treasure that was found in the Temple of the Hairy One and in the Black Lodge. Super Yahweh even stripped the gold trim off the furniture in his tent, and paid that out.
Now Friendly Moonman sent ambassadors with a great army to Super Yahweh; thus, Big Funland’s representatives entered Eldorado and gave a speech to the president and his staffers, within earshot of the rest of the populace, saying: “The great leader Friendly Moonman of Big Funland asks you: Where are you deriving all your confidence? You pose like you’re ready for war with me; but who do you think will help you? You can’t rely on the Pharaoh of Egypt: he is a weakling, like a pretzel that I could snap with one hand. Do you perhaps trust in your Volcano deity? But you haven’t spoken to him in ages; he’s always out east, or asleep on the Sabbath. Gone are the days when he would visit you in person on a hilltop, amid thunder and lightning. You’re all alone now. In fact, your LORD is on my side. Do you think that I could have conquered the whole caravansary, both the north and the south, without the help of the LORD your God? Behold, the LORD said unto me: ‘Go up against this land, and embrace it.’ That’s why Big Funland is here right now.”
At this point, the president’s staffers said to the ambassador from Big Funland: “Please speak only the Funlandic language; for we can understand it just fine: but talk not in the Caravanian tongue; for then our population can grasp as well what you are saying, and they will be able to gauge how bad the situation truly is.”
But the ambassador who delivered the speech from Big Funland’s leader answered and said: “Has my master Friendly Moonman sent me only to your select committee of moguls? No, I’m here to address the entire populace. I’m sorry that you oligarchs are allergic to democracy, but you’ll just have to get used to it. No offence intended.”
“None taken,” said the president and his staffers.
Then this same ambassador raised his voice and spoke loudly as follows: “Hear the word of the great leader of Big Funland. Thus says Mister Moonman the Friendly: Do not let your president deceive you, for he shall not be able to deliver you out of my hand. Do not believe him, if he tells you: ‘The LORD will save us.’ Disregard these empty wishes. Instead, make an agreement with me, and come mix and mingle with my populace: join us in harmony, and turn your back on these predatory creditors who have ruined your once-great country. Go ahead and take some time to think this over; there’s no trick to what I’m offering: just ponder my words and you will find that they ring true – it’s your own corrupt leaders who have been deceiving you for generations with lies. But come with me and I will establish you in a land like your own used to be: a land of corn and wine, a land of bread and vineyards, a land of olive oil and of honey, so that you may live and not die. Again, I urge you not to listen to those moguls who control you. They will try to convince you to remain clinging to your bad situation, by saying: ‘The LORD will surely deliver us.’ – Have any of the gods of the nations delivered their lands from my forces? Where are the gods of Belgium, and of Greece? Where are the gods of Singapore, Haiti, and Ireland? Have they delivered New Zealand out of my hand? Which among all the gods were able to save their countries from me? Thus, why should the LORD save Eldorado?”
But the people could not answer. And the president held his peace.
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