Various prezzez lead the caravan’s bipartitions until the north is taken captive

Chapter 15

In the twenty-seventh year of the term of northern president Robo-Jeroboam, the southern presidency of Wrong Loser began. He was sixteen years old when elected, and he governed for fifty-two years in Eldorado.

President Wrong Loser’s most famous accomplishment was that he became a werewolf and lived in a cage. (This reminds me of that glowing angel nurse that the prophetess Elisha cursed with hybridism. I wonder how she’s doing.)

Then Wrong Loser died; and they buried him with a shovel. And Jackanapes his son got elected in his stead.

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In the thirty-eighth year of President Wrong Loser of the south did Zampanò the Strongman, natural son of Robo-Jeroboam, govern over the north in Persia; his term lasted exactly six months.

Then a Gang of Court Jesters conspired against Zampanò, and smote him, and slew him, and became the president in his stead.

These Court Jesters began to govern in the thirty-ninth year of President Wrong Loser of the south; and the whole Gang served as president of the caravan for one month. They stayed in Ahab’s Ivory Palace.

Then a Steamrolling Bulldozer that was piloted by a Manatee came up from Tasmania and drove over the whole Gang of Jesters and slew them, and got elected president in their stead.

This Manatee on the Steamrolling Bulldozer who had become president of the north then steamrolled over and bulldozed every town on the coast of the caravan, because they had not supported his campaign. President Manatee also ripped up all the pregnant women, and steamrolled over and bulldozed their unborn infants, since none of them had voted for him either.

In the thirty-ninth year of President Wrong Loser of the south, this Manatee on the Steamrolling Bulldozer began to govern the northern caravan from Persia; and his term lasted for ten years.

And a villain named Pretty Bull, the Prime Minister of Big Funland (not to be confused with regular Funland), came and threatened to deep-fry the caravan: so President Manatee gave this Pretty Bull a thousand silver caesars to postpone this plan. “And how did the caravan find the funds to afford this?” you might ask. The answer is that President Manatee taxed them.

Then President Manatee fell asleep while steamrolling and bulldozing; and nobody dared to bury him: they just left him there on his vehicle. And his son Sea Pig got elected to be the next president.

In the fiftieth year of Lime-Green President Wrong Loser, Sea Pig began to govern the ROY-BIV northern caravan, and his term lasted two years.

But the commander of his army, whose name was Sexact, conspired against President Sea Pig, and smote him in Persia, in the Ivory Palace, and he killed him. Then the caravansary’s populace came and elected Sexact president.

In the fifty-second year of the Lime-Green President Wrong Loser, the northern ROY-BIV President Sexact began to govern the caravan from Persia, and his term lasted two full decades.

In the days of Sexact’s presidency, the caravan took all the hairstylists and barbers out of Winnipeg and Funland, as well as all their cosmetologists and beauticians, and carried them captive into Big Funland. There, they bartered them for nonperishables.

Yet a Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal made a conspiracy against Sexact of the north, and smote him, and slew him, and got elected in his stead. (This nebulous and vaguely mammalian Cloud of Hopes and Prayers was also rumored to have been the ringleader of the Gang of Court Jesters that assassinated Zampanò the Strongman and stole his presidency for a month.) The date of the usurpation of the presidency of Sexact by that Mammal-Shaped Cloud of etcetera coincided with the twentieth year of southern President Jackanapes.

This Jackanapes, the son of President Wrong Loser of the south, got elected in the second year of Sexact the northern president. (Keep track of all these timelines in your head.) He was twenty-five years old when he began to govern, and his term lasted sixteen years in Eldorado.

Then Jackanapes suddenly stopped breathing, so they buried him with his fathers under the soil of planet Earth: and a Rotting Shellfish got elected in his stead.

Chapter 16

Now this twenty-year old Rotting Shellfish that got chosen to lead the south was the son of President Jackanapes; he began to govern in the seventeenth year of Sexact; and his term lasted sixteen years.

Here is a rundown of the Rotting Shellfish’s accomplishments:

• He made his son to pass through the fire.
• He sprayed perfume in all the high places.
• He chanted psalm lyrics on the tops of the hills.
• He belled every green tree.

Now the king of Funland joined with President Sexact to ruffle the feathers of the southern caravan. The Rotting Shellfish could not stand this: it was too much for him.

So President Rotting Shellfish called up the Prime Minister of Big Funland and asked for help. He offered all the treasures from Solomon’s Temple and from the presidential residence, if Big Funland would bat back these bullies. So Prime Minister Pretty Bull accepted this payment; then Big Funland stormed Funland, and conquered it, and deported all the citizens, and slew the king. This was enough to bring about peace for a moment.

Chapter 17

Once the Rotting Shellfish had been president of the southern caravan for twelve years, that Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal was elected president of the north: and it governed for nine years.

Sometime after Big Funland conquered Funland, the Prime Minister changed from Pretty Bull to a fellow named Friendly One. This Friendly One of Big Funland now threatened to march against the northern caravan, so the Mammalian Cloud of Hopes and Prayers that was the north’s president became the servant of Prime Minister Friendly One, and gave him presents.

But one day, the Cloud of Hopes and Prayers in the Shape of a Mammal forgot to send the expected present to Big Funland’s Prime Minister, so the latter imprisoned the Mammalian Cloud of Hopes and Prayers. Then Big Funland invaded the northern caravan and besieged it. And in the ninth year of the presidential term of the vaguely Mammaloid Cloud of etcetera, Prime Minister Friendly One captured the northern caravan and took its wayfarers captive into Big Funland.

Now only the southern inhabitants remained in the caravan.

Then Friendly One brought denizens from Big Funland and placed them in all the northern cities, instead of the caravan’s wayfarers: and the citizens of Big Funland possessed Persia, and dwelt in the Ivory Palace of Ahab.

But some lions roamed into the north, and ate some of the people.