Chapter 12
President Average Joe began governing when he was seven years old. His term commenced in the seventh year of northern ROY-BIV President Yahoo Yeehaw.
Now President Average Joe made a proclamation, saying: “Anyone among the populace who has money – any money: a lot of money, or even a little bit of money – please send it to the Temple, so that we can repair the House of the LORD.”
But then, in the twenty-third year of his term, President Average Joe found out that the administrative staffers at the Temple had not been making any of the promised repairs, so he chastised them and forbade them from accepting any more direct funds.
Then the Temple’s janitor Toyota had the bright idea of taking a wooden coffin and boring a hole in the top: “We can tell the people to put their money in here,” he explained; “and then we can empty the box to pay the handymen, after they do the needed repairs.” Thus, the first collection box for charitable donations was invented by Toyota.
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Then Hammerhead Shark the king of Funland set his face to attack Jerusalem.
So, President Average Joe of the southern caravan took all the treasures that Pious Blob, and Lamb Bomb, and Gracchus, and he himself, had dedicated to the Ivory Palace; plus all the gold that was found in the hallowed places of the Temple, and in the old presidential residence; and he sent it to the king of Funland: thus, Hammerhead Shark went away from Eldorado.
Now the rest of the acts of Average Joe, and all that he did, are they not written in that lost book called The Chronicles of the Caravan’s Lime-Green Presidents?
Then his staffers arose, and made a conspiracy, and slew Average Joe in a fast-food restaurant on the edge of the suburbs. Two of his bodyguards smote him with forks, and he died; and they buried him with his fathers in Sweet Beulah Land: and Taxi Driver his son became president in his stead.
Chapter 13
Heaven’s Ass became the president of the northern caravansary in the twenty-third year of the term of Lime-Green President Average Joe. And President Heaven’s Ass governed for seventeen years.
And the north caravan was attacked by Hammerhead Shark, the king of Funland, all their days. But Heaven’s Ass besought the Volcano to help them, and the Volcano sent the caravan a savior, to rescue them from Hammerhead Shark: and the wayfarers got safely away from the danger (at least for a moment), and dwelt in their tents, as beforetime.
Then Heaven’s Ass fell asleep on the couch, just like Pious Blob before him; and they buried him in the back yard: and his son, Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, was elected president in his stead.
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Here’s an amazing fact: in the thirty-seventh year of Average Joe’s term as president of the southern caravan, his propped-up corpse was begotten by Heaven’s Ass to reign over the northern part of the caravan: yes, before his body was even dead – and it governed sixteen years!
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Now the prophetess Elisha was sick to death. And Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, the president of the north, came to visit her, and wept over her, and said: “Rabbi, rabbi, your god did not forsake you!” (Note that this is exactly what Elisha herself exclaimed when her master Elijah was taken by the fiery chariot. What it implies in the present instance is anyone’s guess.)
Then Elisha said to Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse: “Get out your bow and arrows.” And he got out his bow and arrows. And Elisha said to the northern president: “Put your hand upon the bow.” And he put his hand upon it: and Elisha put her hands upon the president’s hands. And she said: “Open the window.” And he opened it. Then Elisha said: “Shoot.” And he shot. And there was heard a faint scream in the distance. Then Elisha said: “This is a sign that the True God, in Yeshua’s name, will help the country fight battles in the future.”
Then she said: “Take my magic wand.” And Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse took the wand from her hand. And she said to the northern president: “See this rock, on which I have engraved a voodoo image resembling a hammerhead shark?” And the president said: “I see it.” And she said: “Smite the rock.” And he smote once, and stayed.
Now the prophetess was furious with him, and she cried: “You should have smitten at least two times! Then Yeshua would have given you the power to smite the king of Funland until his whole country dies, including all the women, children, house pets, and wildlife; whereas now you shall only get to kill one of these groups.”
Then Elisha died, and they buried her in a mass grave in the forest. Now, forests are the home of many frightening creatures. And it happened that, later, as some townsfolk were burying a man in the same mass grave, behold, certain creatures crept out of the forest and scared the townsfolk, so they cast the corpse into the grave and ran away: and when the dead man came in contact with the bones of Elisha, he revived, and stood up on his feet.
Chapter 14
In the second year of the northern presidency of Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, the southern caravan elected Taxi Driver to be their president. He was twenty-five years old when he began his term, and he reigned twenty-nine years in Eldorado.
And it came to pass, as soon as his presidency was certified by the Creditor Class, that Taxi Driver assassinated his father’s assassins. (For, prior to the propping up of his corpse, Average Joe had been assassinated.) But he stopped short of murdering the offspring of those murderers, on account of what is written in The Teaching of Moses:
“The fathers shall not be put to death for the children, neither shall the children be put to death for the fathers: every man shall be put to death for his own crime.” [Deuteronomy 24:16]
Now there was infighting between the northern and southern presidents of the caravan: between Taxi Driver and Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse. The two presidents exchanged harsh words. Then the northern prez paid a visit to the southern prez, and the two looked one another in the face outside the Sunhouse of Aton.
And Taxi Driver was overwhelmed by Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse: the south was routed by the north; and all the southerners fled to their tents.
Then Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse came to Eldorado, and broke down the wall surrounding Sweet Beulah Land, and he took all the gold and silver, and all the treasures in the Temple of the Hairy One, and all the luxuries in the Black House, as well as hostages, and returned to Persia.
Now the rest of the acts of Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse, and his great might, and how he fought with the southern president Taxi Driver, are they not written in some lost book? Curse the author and his God.
Then, at long last, Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse got to sleep with his fathers; and he was buried deep in the desert, lest he wake up. And Robo-Jeroboam became president in his stead: the first android ever to be elected.
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And Taxi Driver, the Lime-Green Prez of the south, son of the previously living Average Joe, continued to govern for fifteen years after the death of his father’s propped-up corpse.
Now a conspiracy arose against President Taxi Driver in Eldorado, so he fled to Hawaii and Alaska; but the conspirators chased after him to Hawaii and Alaska, and slew him there.
Then they brought Taxi Driver’s slain cadaver back on horses, just to spite him (for he preferred automobiles): and he was buried in Eldorado under a parking meter.
And all the people of the southern caravan voted for a lad named Wrong Loser, who was sixteen years old, and elected him president instead of his father Taxi Driver.
President Wrong Loser helped to rebuild a certain town within the caravan, but nobody can remember which one.
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In the fifteenth year of southern President Taxi Driver the son of the living Average Joe, Robo-Jeroboam the son of Average Joe’s Propped-Up Corpse became president of the north and began to govern from Persia, and he reigned forty-one years.
He restored the coast of Coromandel from the ham-filled sinkhole unto the Sea of Pain, according to the personal testimony of Jonah, the prophet who “leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him; / then he fled from God, and a whale met him.”
Did you know? The Volcano might have blotted out the caravan entirely from under heaven: but he saved them by the hand of Robo-Jeroboam.
Now the rest of the acts of Robo-Jeroboam, and all that he did, and his might, and the secret of how he made women fall in love with him despite his being an insensitive machine, are they not written down in a book of important tidbits? If not, they should be.
And Robo-Jeroboam died a natural death, very peacefully in his sleep; and his son Zampanò the Strongman was elected president in his stead.
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